Surgery

My surgery is scheduled for this Thursday, Feb. 6, at 8:30 am.  It is to take 30 minutes.  We then get to wait a week for the results.

I have been asked what specific prayer I would like said.  "That there is no cancer."

Period.  End of post.

I Am Done With Scary

As I have shared, one of the side effects of the pill I am to take for the next 10 years is uterine cancer.  I went to my GYN two months ago for an ultrasound to check everything out.  At that time, I did have a cyst.  My GYN wanted me to come back in two months to look at it again.  The hope was that it would be gone.

Today was that day.  I get on the table and we started the ultrasound.  The tech asked me what kind of breast cancer I had.  I told her and said something along the line was that it was not fun.  And then I said, "I am done with scary!"  I laughed and said that I liked that.  "I am done with scary."

She then gave me great news.  The cyst had shrunk!  I already pictured calling up Jason and telling him the good news.  I couldn't remember if I had told my mother, but I planned on calling her and telling her the good news.  I guess I was more worried than I realized because I was feeling very good.

I wait to see my GYN.  She comes in and just gives it to me.  The cyst has shrunk and that is great.  But.....

No!  Please, no!

This is what I heard:

"Your lining two months ago was 5 cm.  Today it is at 8 cm.  We need to do a D and C and figure out what is going on.  We will do it on a Thursday and then you need to take it easy for 4 days."

What?!?

I tried to calm down, but I felt like I was going to throw up.  I took a deep breath and tried to ask intelligent questions.

Isn't a D and C for miscarriages?  Yes, but they are also for exploratory reasons.

The thickening of my lining could be a sign of what?  Cancer

Do you feel that it is cancer?  No.  But let's make sure.  (Not too reassuring.)

Give me worse case, please.  If it is precancerous, then we will talk with a gynecologist oncologist and discuss whether a hysterectomy is needed.  We will also discuss whether the ovaries need to come out too.

What is the down side to all of that?  (Because to me, just take all that out if it reduces my risk.)  Early menopause.

I left there in a daze.  I sat in my car trying to figure out if I was going to be sick or not.  I called my BFF.  No answer.  I called my sister.  No answer.  I knew I was going to start bawling so wanted to get it out of my system before I called Jason.  But I called him.  And I was right.  Poor guy was probably freaking out because I couldn't talk.  Just cried.  I explained everything to him.  We hung up, I wiped my tears, and off to Kroger I went.  (Life goes on, right?)

I have been trying to analyze what I am feeling.  Fear, of course, but I think there is a lot of anger.  I am just mad.  I am feeling great physically.  I have started running again and I feel awesome during and after each run.  And I am tired of procedures and doctors and surgeries and reminders that I am sick.

And maybe that is part of what I needed.  I am still recovering.  My body is still adjusting.  And I am trying to do way too much.  Everyone is telling me that, but I don't want to hear it.  I lost a year of my life.  I lost time with my family and friends.  I am tired of being sick!!!

I will get a call from someone at the office to schedule my surgery.  She wants it done in the next month or two.

To end the way I began, I am done with scary.  So when I press publish, I am going to try to breath and not worry until I have to worry.

I am done with scary....

What Did You Call Me?!?

It was a simple conversation.  I was telling my friend that I had responded to something my son had said with, "Yes, Son, I did."  As I drove home, it just hit me - I am a mother.  I have a son.  I have two sons!  I like those titles.  They are titles I hoped to have one day.  There are other titles I also wish to have one day, but they still haven't happened.  And then my mind wouldn't turn off...

It starts very early.  We strive for titles.  Spelling Bee Champ.  MVP.  Winner of the Talent Show.

Then it becomes more intense.  College graduate.  Summa cum laude.

Then more emotional.  Girlfriend.  Fiance.  Wife.  Mother.

And then it gets damaging.  Thrower of the best party.  Owner of the biggest house.  Running ragged to be mother of the year.  Starving to look like someone else.  Sacrificing who you are for others.

And most of us just become lost.

I love Facebook.  I have heard negative comments too.  (I will save that for another post.)  But I love FB.  I keep in touch with friends.  I see pictures of their beautiful families.  I get ideas on things I can do around my house, things I can do with my family, and things I can do for myself.

But that can be damaging also.  We can see something on there and let it make us feel inferior.  Let it make us feel like a lesser mother.  Or wife.  Or friend.  But that is just trying to be someone you are not.  Why do we do that?  Concentrate on the negatives instead of seeing all the positives in are lives?

I have a friend who has it all.  She is beautiful.  Her husband is too.  Two beautiful children.  Her own business.  The cutest house.  And she is just as beautiful on the inside.  I don't feel that she struggles with these things.  They are just who she is.  She is a mother, wife, entrepreneur, home owner, an awesome decorator, and a wonderful friend.  

But I will admit, I saw pictures of how her house was decorated for the holidays, and I thought, "I love that!  I am going to do something like that."  But then a week went by and another and Christmas was fast approaching and it started causing me stress instead of making me smile at the thought of it.

And then I stopped.  Because I realized that is not one of my titles.  I don't have that kind of creative bone it my body.  I think you can become a title you weren't before, but only if it doesn't come with a lot of stress.  If you are stressing about it too much, let it go.

So I did.

I will probably not ever have a house you would see in a magazine.  I will not be dressed to the nines  every time you see me.  I will not always have on the latest and cutest clothes.  I will not have my kids in the latest styles either.  I will not always say the right thing in social settings.  And, lately, my hair will not always be coiffed in the right way!

I think it is time for us to think about the titles that we are already.  The titles that we are because it is who we are without trying too hard.

As hard as it is for us mothers to do this, I am going to list the things that I am good at doing.  The titles that make my heart smile.  The titles that fill me with peace.  The titles that make up who I am, not who I hope to be one day.

Child of God
Daughter
Sister
Wife
Mother
Teacher
Runner
Survivor
Forgiver
Voracious Reader
Delicious Cook
Fun Baker
Lover of Board Games
Planner of Fun Get Togethers
Nerf War Champion
Fort Builder
Creator of Laughs
Night Time Reader of Books
Adventurer
Hugger
Get On The Floor and Get Dirty With My Kids Mother

It was hard for me to just type.  To not think what I should be or would like to be or what she or he is and I want to be also.  I just typed.

So let go of the titles that just aren't you and concentrate on the ones that ARE you.  Let 2014 be the year you embrace who are and not who you are hoping to be one day.  Concentrate on the good and let go of the bad.

What about you?  What titles come to mind when you think who and what you are right now?  Don't think and just type.

(That wasn't a rhetorical question.  I would love to hear your titles.)

Candid Camera

Have you ever had one of those days where you literally look for the hidden camera?  Where so many things go wrong, one after the other, that you stop for a second and think this really can't be happening?

I seem to have a lot of those days.  Today was another one...

Jason is out of town, Jack has been showing signs of the terrible twos (We are aware that we have been lucky so far since he is 2.5), and Charlie is happiest if I am carrying him around.

The cleaners show up and the dogs go out when I open the door for them.  That is normally okay.  They do their business and come back to the garage door.  Charlie woke up from his nap so I went and got him.  Ten minutes later, I see a flash of golden out of the corner of my eye.  Darn it!  I forgot the dogs.  I call them in and as soon as they step in the back room, there are muddy prints everywhere.  I immediately shoo them back out and go the garage and call them in that way.  My plan was to clean/wipe their paws and be done with it.  Well, they don't come when I call them.  I hear crying behind me.  I close the door and find both boys on the floor crying.  Apparently their wrestling match had gotten out of hand.  Ten minutes later, you guessed it - I realized I forgot the dogs again.  I go back to the garage and call them in.  I hear them running towards the garage.  But what comes to me is not my beautiful Golden dogs.  What comes towards me are black dogs.  I just stare at them in disbelief.  I have to leave for work.  I still have to load up our stuff and the boys.  Really?!?

I leave them in the garage, throw their beds in the garage, and leave them a bowl of water.  Thank goodness it was warmer today.

I put Charlie on the counter to put on his shoes.  He looks at me, smiles, and slowly, but methodically, dumps out a whole cup of cereal on the island.  I clean that up.  Finish packing the diaper bag and start to walk to the garage.  Realize I can't go through the garage because the dogs are in there.  I go through front door (which, of course, is not near the car) and put Charlie in the car.  Go get Jack and put him in the car - through the front door.  Go back to get the diaper bag and tell the cleaners not to go through the garage.  And we are off and very late.

I get out of the neighborhood and realize I forgot my phone.  I turn around, get the phone, and tell myself to slow down even though we are really late now.

Later that night, we come home to a clean house and two very dirty dogs still in the garage.  (Remember, Jason is out of town.)  I make dinner for the boys.  We play for a little while.  We go upstairs.  Play some more.  We take baths.  Put PJs on.  Five minutes later (no joke), Charlie has messed up his diaper.  Clean him up and play some more.  Put Charlie down for the night.  Play with Jack.  I get him set up playing with a train and get ready to bathe the dogs.  This is not an easy task.  They both weigh 80 pounds and don't particularly like the bath.  I get Dennis and get him in the bath.  No exaggeration, the water is black that is coming off of him.  And he has small trees in his fir.  The bathroom is getting filthy.  The cleaners just came.  Ughh!

I get him cleaned and dried and go get Sam.  I am in the middle of washing him and Charlie starts crying.  I tell Sam to stay and go in there.  He has thrown his pacy across the room.  I give it to him, close the door, and guess who is standing in the hallway dripping water and mud everywhere.  Have you ever tried to get a wet dog in a bath when he doesn't want to without a collar?  I did and it wasn't easy or fun.  I start washing him again and I hear, "Mom, I have to stink stink!"  I turn from Sam and take off the things I have put on the toilet.  I turn to grab Jack and his face is red, his eyes are watering, and my sweet boy is going in his pants.  And this is where I start looking for the camera.  This has to be a set up, right?

Bath Aftermath:

Notice a little boy's bottoms?

Trying to keep the floor clean...

Fail.  And the cleaners just came!!

As I was doing dishes later, I was going over my night.  I try to find lessons.  God must really want me to learn patience because I have a lot of days like this.  I feel like I actually handle them pretty well.  So maybe that is not it.  He was probably just having a slow night and thought it would be fun to mess with me.

I don't know.  What I do know, though, that among all this craziness, there were some precious moments today.  And honestly, as annoying as I know some people think this is, I am actually smiling right now.

As I sat down to feed Charlie, Jack said, "We forgot to say our blessing!"  We have been trying to get him to show an interest in the blessings.  I thought he wasn't.  I was wrong.

Jack came in when I was washing the dogs and talked with me.  It was like he knew I needed someone to make me smile.  He "helped" me by holding onto the shower head hose.  He was quiet while I was rinsing off Sam and then I heard a sweet voice say, "You are the best mom I ever had."  And my heart melted along with my tiredness.

As I was finally eating dinner at 9:00 PM, I heard Jack calling me.  I asked him (through the monitor) what he needed.  His response?  I just need you.  I happily go up there to give him one more kiss, one more song, and one more tuck in.

As I walked away from him, I hope the camera caught that moment also - me smiling at the sweetness in my life.

Last Year and This Year

December has been such a great month for us.  I think a lot about the fact that at this time last year, I was finishing up chemo.  I was tired, bald, scared, and sick.  But things are much different this year.

We set up Christmas trees in the boys' rooms.  I told Jack that I had a surprise for him and brought him in his room.


Last year, I was too tired and scared to get excited with my boys.  This year, I got tears in my eyes when I saw this.

Last year, I barely made it to see Santa with the boys.  I was weak, bald, and plagued with hot flashes.  Last year, I really didn't enjoy the experience.  This year, I happily made it and cried (once again) as they sat on his lap.  Because I felt so good, we stayed and rode the Pink Pig.  It was my first time as well as the boys.

Last year, I really wanted to start the tradition of St. Nick.  Last year, I just couldn't get my act together.  This year, we left out our shoes for St. Nick to fill.  (Jack chose his BIG boots.  Smart boy. And then chose Crocs for his little brother.)  This year, I felt more joy than I could handle seeing my sweet boys' faces when they woke up.

Last year, I was stuck in bed and missed a lot of what my boys were doing.  This year, I went outside and was able to capture this adorable moment.

Last year, I really wanted to bake with Jack.  But last year, the smell of food would often send me running to the bathroom.  This year, I baked with my son.  This year, I started a tradition.  (This year, I had some wild morning hair, but last year, I had none so enjoy the morning do!)

Last year, I would be upstairs in my bed crying because I could hear my boys playing and laughing and I couldn't join in.  Last year, I would be upstairs in my bed upset because I would hear my baby crying and I couldn't comfort him.  This year, Jack got his first bloody lip and I was there to hold him and comfort him and give him a popsicle.  Last year, I got blood on my shirt when my port was accessed and it leaked.  This year, I got blood on my shirt while comforting my son.  This is is so much better.

Last year, I was sick, but grateful to be receiving medicine.  This year, I am not sick and grateful to be alive to spend time with my family laughing, crying, and making memories.

Last year, I wasn't able to wish you a Merry Christmas.  This year, I am.

Merry Christmas, My Friends.

Rock and Roll, Baby!

I was pretty excited when one of the half marathons my friend, Kim, chose just happened to be on my birthday.  I immediately said, "Let's do that one!"  A few days later, I realized that was Easter weekend.  I am hoping that friends fly in for the race (even if they are not participating) so that weekend will not work.  So....

We have chosen the Savannah Rock N Roll Half on Nov. 8.  Here is the link: http://runrocknroll.competitor.com/savannah/register?icat=rnr-website_marquee_title&icamp=Register-Now-for-2014

I know that a marathon, or a half marathon, is on a lot of people's Bucket Lists.  Here is your little nudge to think about doing it with us.

My mother is thinking about walking it, some friends of mine, who are novice runners, are thinking about training, and I have friends who said they will not walk or run (hehe), but will come and celebrate with us.

How about you?

Questions Answered

I have had a few questions since my last post.

My father is fine.  He scratched his eczema so bad that he developed an infection that caused his face to swell.  They released him after about 4 hours of an IV, antibiotics, steroids, and some topical cream.

Potty training has been going great.  He has gone number two in the toilet for the past five days.  I hope I am not jinxing myself, but feel we are finally there!  We have been back at work which means being in carpool for 30 minutes, running children to various activities, and no accidents.  We keep joking, though, that we better not get too happy because we have another son we will try this same method on in July.  Anything that was easy with Jack has not been with Charlie.

I am feeling better mentally.  When I wrote my post "Who Are You and What Have You Done With Dawn", I had slowly started feeling better.  Feeling like I was coming out of the fog that is post chemo.  I am not 100%, but not in that bad place.  (Jason may not agree.) :-)

Thank you for your encouragement, sweet comments, hugs, and letting me call you friend.