Chemo/Radiation Baskets

I have finally begun the arduous task of getting our house back in order.  I have always joked that I have OCD enough to be annoying, but not enough to go on drugs.  Before pregnancies, babies, and cancer, I could not sit down until the room I was in was clean and organized.  The rug had to be parallel with the couch and all things had to be in their place.  Then I got pregnant and I didn't feel well.   Then I had a new baby to love on.  That was much more fun than cleaning.  Then we were pregnant again and the ickiness came back.  Then cancer, then another baby, then chemo, etc, etc, etc.   Of course, I have 2 boys to play with so, most of the time, my project of the day gets put aside so that I can play cars and enjoy peek-a-boos.  But I am slowly getting things back in their correct places.

I found all my cancer stuff and put it in a box.  I am 41-years-old and I know that, as I get older, more of my friends and family will be touched by cancer.  I hate that and it gets my stomach going, but it is a fact.  So, I put it in a box to open up when I get that call telling me someone I love has cancer.  I will pull out my box, open some old wounds, and figure out what I can do to help.

I started a document in my computer on what I had in my "chemo bag" and what helped me the most while going through chemo and radiation.  Then it hit me - I should blog about this.  I am sure most people are at a loss as to how to help.  I know my friends were not.  I was truly blessed with all the help, gifts, and prayers.  Because of their great gifts and gesture, I can blog about this.

So here are some things that I appreciated while going through my treatments.  I am very conscience of making my post as short as possible as I know I don't like to read them if they are too long.  But I think this is something you will skim, log away in your brain, and come back to when you need it.  (Disclaimer:  The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author's and are not intended to imply that every person would enjoy these things.) :-)

Chemo Gifts - In no particular order:

     *      A WARM FUZZY BLANKET (most treatment rooms are cold and I felt like I was being hugged every time I snuggled under it)

     *     SMALL PILLOW (mine had a beautiful bible verse on it. It was nice to nap when I was able)

     *     A BAG OF HARD CANDY - (I could taste one of the drugs as it went through my IV and it wasn't good.  Having a piece of candy to suck on helped tremendously.

     *     BIOTENE MOUTHWASH -  (My sweet friend showed up with what she called her "F*&^ Cancer Basket".  Besides some awesome wigs, she had Biotene in it.  When going through chemo, your mouth becomes very dry.  The normal acid is depleted.  That moisture/acid is important to break down plaque.  Some patients lose their teeth!  Can you imagine?!  The doctors NEVER told me about this so am so grateful for this gift.)

     *     TOOTHBRUSHES -  (Because of our immune systems, bacteria is bad!  I changed my toothbrush every Sunday night.)

     *    HAND SANITIZER - (Our immune systems are compromised so we must wash our hands constantly.)

     *     LIP BALM

     *     MIRALAX - (Yes, probably TMI, but we need it!)

     *     HIGH PROTEIN FOODS - (peanut butter, nuts, etc) My friend showed up with 7 pints of Ben and Jerrys.  Thank you, L!  The week before chemo, I had ice cream every day.  One night, I had it for dinner.  Jason raised his eyes at me and I said, "I start chemo in a few days, I am eating ice cream."  I gained 7 pounds in one week and was prepared for those drugs.

     *     STRESS BALL - (If you don't have a port, you need to build up your veins)

     *     AVEENO PRODUCTS

     *     FLAVORED WATER PACKETS - (It is important to drink lots of water, but it tasted like metal. These packets made it taste sweet.)

     *     CUTE HATS - (My sister showed up with all kinds of hats from Charming Charlie and I LIVED in those things.)

     *    MEALS!!!!!! - (I gained weight during chemo because, except for one treatment, my appetite was pretty good.  Not having to cook helped me tremendously. I had out-of-town friends order takeout for us.  How thoughtful.  I never thought of that.)

     *    PRAYERS - I know they worked, I felt them, and they were very appreciated.

     *    There is a service that will come and clean your house, once a month, for 3 months while you are going through chemo.  It is called Cleaning For A Reason.  At first, I felt weird using them, but they were WONDERFUL!  They cleaned my house, asked me how I was, interacted with my babies, and just made me feel special.  Print out the information and give to your friend.  There is also a service that will do your lawn and many other great services.

     *   GOOD PEDICURE/MANICURE - `(Because of possible infection due to bacteria, only a good pedi/mani is suggested.  So a great gift would be one from Sanda Gane or Macys or a similiar salon.)

Radiation Gifts - In no particular order:

     *     AQUAPHOR BY EUCERIN -  (Again, wasn't told about this amazing stuff by the doctors, but by my chemo sister.  Thank you, S!  This will help with blistering, rashes, and discoloration. I had a small sample size that I took with me.  Before getting dressed, I applied.  I really believe that is why my skin did so well.)

     *     COMFY SPORTS BRAS - (You are not supposed to wear wire during treatment.)

     *     PRAYERS!!!

Those are just some suggestions for things to get someone.  If you are more of a doer, then here are some things you can do:  (Again, just what helped me.)

     *  Go to treatment with them.  It was suggested to have someone different come with you every time.  I did that and it made it fun.  And just like I said before, don't say, "Let me know if you want me to come with."  Say, "What day should I come with you?"

     *    Go to their initial doctor appointments with them and take notes.  It is overwhelming to be told you have cancer and then they start throwing medical terms and options and it makes you want to curl up and cry.  Be their brains and ask the questions.

     *  If they have children, show up and entertain them so they can sleep.  This was wonderful as I was exhausted.

     *   If it is your thing, offer to help wade through all the medical bills, EOBs, and information.

     *   Send cards, words of encouragement, bible verses, texts that make you laugh, etc.

     *    Did I mention meals?  :-)

     *    I had a friend fly here from CT and help out during my first round.  Not only did she love on me and my boys, she wrote little notes on sticky notes and stuck them up around my house.  That was amazing.

     *    My sister also flew here and took over my role as mom during my third round.  It was not a good round and I ended up back at the hospital for fluids.  Knowing she was taking care of my boys, made it easier to relax and get the help I needed.  I still don't know what I would have done without her.

     *    My best friend came for my second round and shaved off the remainder of my hair.  Something you can only ask your best friend.  She helped me finish Charlie's room and gave me some much needed girl time.  She wasn't able to come to my Clip and Sip Party when we did my mohawk so she and her son sent a picture in bandanas to show their support.  Something so little, but meant so much.

Every thing that was made for me or done for me was the perfect equation for my healing.  I had friends show up and help, I had friends bring food and gifts, I had friends text me, I had friends send cards, I had friends send emails, and I had literally thousands of friends praying for me.  It all helped.  So do what you do best.  From the words of my friend, Elaine, I will do....so that...will happen.  No matter how little you think it is, what will happen is make them feel better, it will make a difference, and it will help.

And I will finish off with some dos and don'ts:

Don't tell a cancer patient a story about someone you know that lost their fight with cancer.  (You are probably shaking your head in disbelief, but it happened to me all the time and still does.)  We are scared and don't need to be reminded that we could die.  But do tell us the good stories.  The stories of people who fought and are still living.  We NEED to hear that.

Don't think we don't want to hear about things that are going in your life.  I had a friend say that she felt that her "stuff" was so trivial compared to mine.  First of all, it is all relative.  So talk to us.  We need that normalcy.  Do tell us what your wacky kids have done or how your husband is driving you crazy.  Life goes on and we need to be reminded of that.

Don't wait for us to ask for something.  Even if we realize what we need, our chemo brain will make us forget it!  Do show up and just do.  Just do their dishes.  Just do their laundry.  Just straighten up.  Just show up with a funny movie and laugh together.  Kidnap them and take them for a drive.

Don't hold back on how you are feeling.  Some of the most therapeutic conversations I had started off with, "I am so angry" and "WTF!" Before all of this, I used to think I had to find the perfect words to help someone.  Now I realize - just talk.  Do tell them that you are scared.  Do tell them you are angry.  Do tell them you love them.  Do tell them you are there.  Just talk.



   

Extra Heartbeats

There are moments in life when your heart beats an extra beat.  The reason for these extra heartbeats can be good and they can be bad.  Some of the reasons for a good extra heartbeat for me was when Jason asked me to spend the rest of his life with me.  When we heard the news we had been waiting to hear for years - you are pregnant.  And lately, when my boys look at each other and just start laughing or when I am downstairs cleaning up dinner and hear Jason reading to his sons on the baby monitor.  These are good reason for my heart to beat extra.

Then there are the bad reasons.  When we got the call from our fertility doctor after our first IVF attempt and he said, "I am sorry, but the transfer didn't take."  The phone call telling me that one of my best friends was killed in a car accident.  Hearing the words "It is cancer".  There have been many times in my life that my heart has skipped a beat because of bad news and then caught up by beating an extra beat.

On Easter Eve of this year, I don't know why my heart was beating extra.  All I know is that my chest hurt and it scared me.  The drug that I will continue for a full year is Herceptin.  I have to get an ECHO every 4 months because one of the side effects of this drug is heart problems.  So Jason and I are in bed and it is 10 PM and my heart just felt weird.  I don't want to say chest pains and I don't want to say chest heaviness because that doesn't quite describe it.  It just didn't feel right.  So at midnight when Jason turned to me and asked if it was time to go to the ER, I couldn't say yes, but more importantly, I couldn't say no.  We called our doctor's office and the NP advised us to go to the ER.  Really?!?

So we called my mother-in-law and asked her to come over.  We dressed.  Made sure we had our insurance cards.  I kissed the boys and off we went.  On the drive there, my heart really started jumping because now I was scared.  All I could think was, "Really?  After everything that has happened in the last 9 months, I know am heading to the ER because of my heart!?!"

We get there and as soon as they found out I was doing chemo, I was whisked back to a room where they do an EKG.  The extra heartbeats were there on the machine.  I go back to a room and we start the tests.  And the whole time I am hooked up to a machine that is monitoring my heart.  Jason is freaking out and I am just mad.

Any time I am wheeled off for a test, they give me a mask.  I understand that this is for my protection and because my immune system is still compromised, this is the smart thing to do.......but it makes me feel like a patient.  I have been feeling so good lately.  The mask is just another reminder that I have cancer and it makes me even angrier.

All the tests come back in a positive manner and they only thing left is a stress test.  They suggest I check in the hospital and get it done.  Now comes the tears.  It is officially Easter now and I want to be home with my boys.  The baskets are out, our Easter outfits are pressed, and I want to go home!  After calming down, we realize that we are lucky in that they don't know what Easter is yet.  We can give them their baskets later in the day and they won't know the difference.  I don't like it, but decide to stay.

Jason heads home and I get wheeled up to my own room.  Long story short, they suggest I get a stress test later in the week, but want to draw my blood two more times to check the enzymes ( I thing that is right) and if it comes back negative (which is good), then I can go home.  So at 12 noon on Easter day, I am finally driving home.

I had my stress test on Friday and nothing showed up.  The doctor said that my extra heartbeats are benign and I should only be concerned if they happen and I feel faint.  All this worry for a week and that is what I get as an explanation.  Of course, I realize this a good news, but uggghhh!!!

I guess this is just a reminder that my life of being a patient is not going to end just because the main part of my treatment is over.  I will always be a patient and cancer will always be in my vocabulary.  I don't like it and I am still fighting it.  Hopefully I will accept that soon.  It will only make things easier.  I am not the same person I was before my May 30th diagnosis.  I hate that, but it is true.  I sure hope this gets easier.

In case you were wondering, we put out the Easter baskets about 7 PM that night.  Jack walked in and his eyes got big when he saw the cars and school bus in his basket.  He got very excited and yelled, "School bus!"  And my eyes watered and my heart skipped a beat and, this time, those extra heartbeats were welcomed.

Paleo Ketchup

I have been taking pictures of my Paleo meals and need to catch up and post them all.  I am excited because I have had 2 friends who expressed interest in learning more about this way of eating.  Jason has been great advertising.  He is down 20 pounds!  I have lost 12.  This is without exercise and still enjoying other foods in moderation. We both feel so much better.  The last component to overall health is getting a full night's sleep.  Come on, Charlie, help your parents out!

Here are some yummy recipes.  Let me know what you think!

Bacon Wrapped Chicken Before Oven

Finished with Brussel Sprouts

These are the original recipes.  I will add my changes in red.

BACON-WRAPPED SMOKY CHICKEN THIGHS

4 bone-in, skinless chicken thighs (I used 5 chicken breasts)

8 slices of bacon (I used a whole package)

2 teaspoons Smoky Spice Blend

     -1 tablespoon chipotle powder

     -1 tablespoon smoked paprika

     -1 tablespoon onion powder

     -1/2 tablespoon cinnamon

     -1 tablespoon sea salt

     -1/2 tablespoon black pepper

Even though I used more chicken than the recipe called for, I still felt that it was a lot of spices.  Next time I will make this mixture, but only use enough to cover chicken and save the rest.

Preheat oven to 375.

Sprinkle chicken thighs with 1 teaspoon of Smoky spice Blend.  Wrap each thing in 2 strips of bacon.  (I used 3 for each breast) Sprinkle chicken with remaining spice bland and bake for approximately 40 minutes or until the internal temperature reaches 165.  (Yet another reason I love this way of eating - I got to use something new - a meat thermometer!)

Fish and Broccoli

This is a great, easy recipe.  We usually eat this at least once a week.  There isn't even a recipe for it.  Fish in pan.  Add whatever spices you would like.  I usually do Mrs. Dash.  Jason likes it spicier so he adds chipotle, garlic and onion salt, and hot sauce.  You really can't mess it up.  Broccoli is frozen that we steam.  Fast, east, delicious, and so healthy!

Honey and Apple Tenderloin Over Cauliflower Mash Potatoes

I said that the Shrimp Curry was our favorite in a previous post.  We would like to rescind that statement.  This is our current favorite!  So yummy.

- 1 pork tenderloin (1.5 lbs) The second time I used a 4 lb tenderloin and added more of everything else)

-2 small apples or 1 large, chopped

-2 small onions, or 1 large, chopped

-1/4 cup chicken broth (I always add more broth b/c we like our stuff more soupy)

-1/4 cup honey

-1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon (optional) (don't know why you wouldn't!)

-salt to taste

FOR MASHED CAULIFLOWER

-1 head fresh cauliflower or 1 bag frozen

-1 teaspoon garlic powder

-1 tablespoon olive oil

-1/4 cup of almond milk or dairy product of choice (used Jack's whole organic milk)

-salt and pepper to taste

1. Place tenderloin in crock pot

2. Chop and prepare apples and onions and place on top of tenderloin

3. Add spice, chicken broth, and honey.

4. Cook for 8 - 10 hours on low, covered

5. When ready to eat, steam cauliflower for 8 - 10 minutes.

6. Poor steamed cauliflower, oil, garlic powder, milk, and salt and pepper in the food processor and mash until creamy goodness. (I just mashed with folk.  Jason prefers it more creamy.)

7. Serve pork over creamy mashers and enjoy!

Cornish Hen in Crock Pot

I typed in paleo crockpot cornish hen and didn't really find a recipe I liked.  So I just made my own.  Another thing about Paleo - there are only so many ingredients you can use so you really can't mess it up.  I cut up an onion and put it in the crock pot.  Place the hens on top.  I did two hens.  Then added some beef broth, chopped red and yellow peppers, celery, and spices.  Put on low for about 6 hours and it was awesome.  I have never cooked a cornish hen before.  Add that to my list!

Crock Pot Meatballs over Spaghetti Squash

MARVELOUS MEATBALLS

I did not make that name up.  I found this online.  Just typed in paleo meatballs.  You can type in anything Paleo and recipes come up.  Just be careful.  There are a lot out there that claim to be Paleo, but they add sugar or other non-Paleo ingredients.

Mix together with your hands:

2 lbs of grassfed ground beef (I used organic Kroger beef)

1 lb of pork sausage (both times I made this, I forgot the sausage and still was great.  Will be better with the sausage though I am sure.  Also, only use 2 eggs if you don't have the sausage)

chopped celery, onions, and carrots

3 eggs

1/2 cup almond meal (first time I didn't have this.  second time I did.  Couldn't tell the difference)

lots of dried oregeno, garlic powder, cracked black pepper, and a little cayenne 

small drizzle of raw honey

Form into large meatballs and cover bottom of crock pot.  You may have to stack them depending on the size of your crock pot.

For the sauce, mis:

1 (16 oz) can of diced tomatoes

1 can of tomato paste (didn't have this the second time so used Ragu sauce in jar)

a large handful of town fresh basil ( used dried)

5 - 6 coarsely chopped garlic gloves

a couple pinches of sea salt

cracked pepper to taste

Cover meatballs with tomato sauce and cook on low all day!  They were even better the next day for lunch.  (I cooked them for 8  hrs the first time and only 5 the second.)

Just a few recipes we have been enjoying.  One of my friends asked, "You are losing weight eating this?!"  Why yes, we are!

Have a great weekend.  Get out and enjoy the nice weather coming our way!

My Name is Chicken Little and I Am Here To Get Fried

As always, the morning started off way too early, but knowing it was my last morning, I bounded (okay, maybe not...) out of bed to get ready for radiation.  Mother in law showed up and crawled back into bed.  I looked at her with jealously.  I grabbed my cookies and thank you cards, camera, radiation card, and keys and jumped in the car.  When I got to the office, Glenda was waiting for me.  This was a surprise and when I walked to the dressing room to get changed, the tears were already starting.  My wonderful techs called me back and they were excited for me.  Which only caused me to cry some more.  I got on the table for the last time.  A minute later we were done and it all seemed so surreal.  2 pictures were taken.  

                                                                What do you think?

                                                             2 of my awesome techs!

And I was done.  I was crying some more as I walked down the hallway to see my doctor.  I will go see her in 2 more weeks to check on my skin, but then I won't be back.

Taking off the stickers that covered my markers was so cathartic.  For the past 60 days, I wasn't able to forget that I had cancer because my markers reminded me every time I saw them.  My hair is finally coming back, my energy is coming back, I am starting to exercise, etc.  When I first got diagnosed, it was all consuming.  Thoughts of tumors and treatments and dying and fear.  Then I would go an hour and marvel that I hadn't thought about it.  Then came the hair loss and it was hard to forget.  My hair starting coming back in and I could forget as long as I wasn't near a mirror.  Then radiation at 6:30 and marks all over my chest to remind me once again.  Now I will only have my Herceptin treatments every 3 weeks until September to remind me.  I am almost there!

I got dressed and took the elevator back up and there was sweet Glenda with pretty roses and an even more beautiful smile for me.  Jason had balloons from my sisters and cards.  Darn it - more tears.  We asked Glenda to video me ringing the bell.

All I have left is Herceptin.  I go tomorrow morning at 8 and every 3 weeks until September.  Then the port comes out.  I do have to take a pill for five years and am hoping that goes well.  Knowing my luck, more side effects, but will take them happily knowing I am alive to feel them.

On the way home, the song I put in the background of my video was playing.  How appropro.  Through all this, I have felt Him and know that because of Him, I am going to be okay.  Now onto sleeping in - well, at least until 8!

Blog-hogging

Okay.  Now it is my turn.  I only hope that I can express myself as well as my sister Dawn does.  Is this called blog-hogging?
Yes, Dawn is right.  I decided to do a bodybuilding show, but what I didn't know is that Dawn also decided to do a show with me.  Two weeks after my trainer picked a show, we realized that the date was wrong on the Internet.  We thought it was April 20.  It is April 13, which starts Dawn's "training."  Her and Jason, after some much-needed time together, decided they would take a vacation.  Well, when the show got changed, so did their vacation.  When I called to tell Dawn, she just laughed -- I mean laughed -- and said, "No worries.  We'll figure it out."  What that meant was they changed their vacation plans to just an overnight stay so that they can be here for my show.  So the training continued.... There is so much that goes into doing a show besides just training and cardio and eating right, etc.  Well, Dawn has just about taken over all of those extras, so that I can concentrate on what i need to do.  She's even become a mixologist and made my song for me.  She's downloaded my application, her boys have paid for my entrance fees, she has come to the gym to support me, arranged and paid for my makeup and hair to be done, sent out emails and arranged the tickets, encouraged me when I need it, planned my baby sister's shower around my show, and she said she'd even do my cardio 2x a day if she could :)  She has really helped me with the nervousness and stress by really understanding what I'm going through and "getting it."
Now, let's not forget that this is all on top of kicking cancer's ass, raising two beautiful, happy, adorable children, taking care of her home and husband, working, educating herself on better eating and a healthy future, doing her situps and pushups every night, planning birthday parties -- WHEW!  I'm tired just thinking about it. 
When Dawn was first diagnosed, as her big sister, I just didn't know what to do.  What do I say?  How do I act?  How can I make it all better?  Can I go beat someone up for her and teach them a lesson about messing with my little sister?  Please.... just tell me what I should do. 
Of course, no one has the answers, so I was just there.  There if she needed a babysitter, there if she needed some rest, there if she needed to vent, there if she needed to break down (which to this day, I have not seen), just there to walk this path with her and let her know how much I love her and am there for her.
As it turns out, that didn't seem to last long.  Somehow she got ahead of me and has been holding my hand through the last 6 mos.  How did that happen?  Well, that is Dawn.  Through all of this, she is still putting others first.  She is the true definition of
selflessness and grace.  I don't need to see what Webster's Dictionary says because I already know they have it wrong if her picture is not there. For those of us who are lucky enough to have Dawn in our lives, you already know what I'm talking about.  She has follow-through.  We all "think" about doing those special things for people we love.  SHE ACTUALLY DOES IT.  And that is what sets her apart, among a ton of other things.  She is the type of person we should all strive to be -- in so many ways.
They say you can't pick your family.  I sure as hell lucked out there.  Who could ask for anything more in a sister/friend/supporter?
And I could go on, but I think I've blog-hogged enough for now.
WE LOVE YOU, DAWN, MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW!!!
P.S.  Tomorrow is Dawn's last day of radiation!!  She will be ringing a bell at the hospital tomorrow approximately around 7:30 a.m.  I know we all can't be with her physically, but, Dawn, just know when you walk down that short hall, we all are there cheering for you!!  YOU DID IT, GIRL!!!!!

Brave

I have been told that I am brave.  Brave to go through breast cancer while pregnant.  Brave to suffer through chemo and radiation with a baby and toddler.  According to Webster, the definition of brave is having or showing courage.  The definition of courage is mental strength to persevere and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.  The definition I like is to do something even though you are scared shitless.  Whatever definition you like I feel it is doing something you have a choice to do.  I didn't have a choice.  Okay, I could have said no to treatment, but I don't know of many people who would have chosen that in my situation.  When talking about being brave an imagine comes to mind.  A young child on the high dive.  Knees shaking.  Arms wrapped around their little, wet body.  Their eyes wide and staring at the water below.  Their fear is visible.  And yet, they jump.  They don't turn around and go down the ladder to solid ground.  They choose to jump even though they are scared.  That is courage.

I am not saying that what I have been through and what I have done is not courageous.  I can pat myself on the back because it has been hard, but I have done it.  I just don't feel that I deserve that much praise.  Millions of woman have gone through this and I am not that much different. I will take credit for going through most of it with a smile.  But I really didn't have a choice.

My sister, Lisa, has had a goal.  She wants to enter a body building show.  She has talked about it for years.  3 years ago, she started training.  She stopped drinking.  She stopped eating sweets.  She stopped being able to eat at most restaurants.  Which means she stopped having girl time.  She started really working out.  She educated herself on the human body and how exercise and food can change how it operates and looks.  

And for awhile, I began to wonder if she was ever going to get on that stage.  I mean - 3 years of this crazy way of life and no show in sight.  Who does that?  That changed about 8 months ago.  She found a new trainer and all of a sudden there was a show in the future.  I thought she was crazy with her food and workouts before, but now it was just nuts.  

She is entering a show on April 13.  As we get closer and closer, her schedule is getting crazier and crazier.  She is working out twice a day with a trainer.  She is doing cardio twice a day.  Even with all this working out, she has had to cut out one of her meals.  She is cranky and tired and stressed and nervous.  Oh my goodness, she is nervous.  The thought of standing up in front of an audience in a skimpy bodybuilding suit is causing her knees to shake.  The fear is evident in her voice and eyes.  She said she can't even think about it without wanting to puke.  Then on top of that, she has to move to the music as she poses.  We have called her Elaine because of that episode of Friends.  The girl cannot dance.  

As we get closer to April 13, I can hear it in her voice.  This sista is skerred.  But she could back out.  No one would blame her.  We would understand.  It is only going to get harder from here until April 13.  Most of us of couldn't persevere with what she has had to do so far let alone what she is about to do leading up to this competition. Most of us would have turned around and climbed down the ladder until we hit solid ground.  But she is going to do it.  She is going to jump despite her shaky knees.  That is brave.  That is courage.  That is my big sister and I am very proud of her.

Pictures

I've always loved pictures.  I love taking them, I love being in them, I love looking at them, I just love pictures.  Pictures capture so many emotions and elicit smiles, laughter, tears, and hope. But there was a time when I didn't like pictures.  There was a time in my life when I didn't like what I saw in the mirror.

I have been made fun of a lot in my life.  I was teased for being tall and skinny.  I was teased for my crooked teeth and, when I got braces, I got teased about the braces on those crooked teeth.  I was once told by a guy, "You are so pretty, if only you had boobs."  Females are funny, aren't we?  I have been given tons of compliments - before and after that comment - yet that one statement resonated in my head.  I would get dressed up and look at myself in the mirror and not feel pretty because I didn't fill out my dress.

Then something happened in my 30s.  I relaxed and actually started liking what I saw.  When I looked in the mirror, I wasn't quick to see the imperfections.  I know I am not what society considers beautiful, but I am not what I used to think - ugly.  (I could write a whole post on girls and low self esteem, but will store that in my "Posts For Later" file.)  I liked my breasts.  They were proportional to my body.  And I really appreciated them when I started running!  I no longer thought about getting some of "those store bought breasticles".

It was an intentional effort.  I forced myself to see the good things and ignore the bad.  When with friends, we would have to say what we liked about ourselves.  Basically, I decided to be happy.  Sounds simple and easy.  At first it is not so easy, but when you are not paying attention, it becomes easy.  I chose and I did.

Then came cancer and surgeries and chemo and radiation.  And that wonderful self esteem I finally had was slowly slipping away.  I am not sure when it started to leave, I just know that when I would be waiting for the shower to warm up, I would get a glimpse of myself in the mirror and those old feelings started creeping back.

But, and this is a big but (and I cannot lie), when I wasn't seeing myself in the mirror, I felt strong and beautiful.  Remember, I am annoyingly happy.  I walk around without a hat most of the time.  Apparently my self confidence is still there.  But lately, when I see my scars and markers and a right breast that doesn't match the left one, I want to cry.

I needed to remedy this.  I had a wonderful life to live and didn't want this to weigh me down.  I decided to work on choosing to be happy again.  I asked Jason to take some pictures of me.  Tasteful pictures of me that show my imperfections.  Have you seen the pictures of actresses who looked beautiful after cancer?  I wanted one of those.  Yes, I know they have makeup artists and lighting and airbrushing.  But I wanted to see a picture of me looking pretty despite the imperfections.

Something was also telling me that I needed to document this time in my life.  So Jason took some pictures.  It was pretty funny.  I tried to put my hands in strategic places.  I thought I looked at the camera in a way that showed beauty and toughness at the same time.  All that the pictures portrayed was a goofy-ass girl trying to look like something she wasn't.

Cut to stage left and in comes Gina.  I met Gina when she came to take newborn pictures of Jack.  She was patient when Jack was not cooperating.  We bonded over trying to get Jack to sleep long enough to pose him.  There was a lot of me breast feeding until he fell asleep and then slowly trying to remove said breast so she can get a shot.  When she left, I didn't think she got any shots.  When she sent me the pictures, I cried.  She is an amazing photographer (and person).

Before I could chicken out, I ask her to take some pictures.  As I told her, "Inside I feel beautiful, but at times, I don't feel that way on the outside."  I want my outside to match my inside. Her response?  She was speechless and honored that I asked her.  Within five minutes of agreeing on a time, I get the email from her that always gets me excited - Your pictures are live!  Charlie's 5 month pictures were ready.  I was not prepared for the link.  Gina blogged about me and I couldn't even finish reading it because I was crying so hard.  Please take a moment to check it out. http://www.redcoatmedia.com/2013/03/a-family-story-atlanta-family-photography/.  I knew she would do for me exactly what I needed.

The pictures are for my eyes only.  They are to remind me that I am beautiful and I am strong in case I forget.

Well, that is what I thought.  During our shoot today, Gina showed me one of the pictures we took and I started crying.  She captured exactly what I was having a hard time articulating.  So maybe, just maybe, I will share one with you.  I cannot wait to get that email saying my pictures are live.  I hope they give me what I have been missing - self confidence in this new body.  Self confidence that I am still me.  That I am still me and maybe just a little bit better.

Please, please do not send me comments that you think I am beautiful.  That will mean that I did not articulate myself correctly.  Many friends suggested I blog when I was first diagnosed.  It didn't feel right then.  Now when thoughts (good and bad) are in my head,  it helps to write them down.  I feel better when I press publish.   These thoughts of insecurity have been running around in my head and when I press publish today, I hope I will be able to let some of them go.  That is my intent.