I put Nov. 11 in my last post as the date for my scan. I must have been thinking that the month of November is the 11th month. That is a sign of a genius, right?
My scan is Nov. 3.
#fancer
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Scan
I put Nov. 11 in my last post as the date for my scan. I must have been thinking that the month of November is the 11th month. That is a sign of a genius, right?
Monday, September 21, 2015
Visions
I have had these visions popped in my head throughout this new journey. When I was in radiation, I would breathe deeply and think of happy things so I didn't stress out about being in that mask. Halfway through my 15 treatments, I was breathing in and out and thinking about our upcoming beach trip. All of a sudden, I pictured all these people around the table. As I "looked" closely, they were not looking at me or even touching me, but standing with their hands on the table and looking across at the other people. I saw my grandfather, my friends, Jean and Fortune, my father-in-law, and right on my chest, my brother who passed away from SIDS at 3 months. I instantly felt this overwhelming peace come over me. The next day I looked for them. I saw more people. My Aunt Sylvia and Uncle Don. And I saw some new babies. My best friend's twin she lost and my other friend's twins she lost. Again, peace. I knew that I had even more people praying for me.
Another time, I was meditating during rest time. I was thinking about all the people who were doing the same thing for me. (I am still not perfect at meditation. My mind definitely wanders.) And I just pictured all these people, in different houses, stopping what they are doing and mediating. For me. And I started crying.
And the last one, which really got me, was me and my family in the doctor's office waiting to hear that my head is clear. I then saw all of you in the parking lot awaiting the news also. I saw people talking and laughing and praying. It ended with me coming down and everyone cheering. And the tears really came down my cheeks.
You are with me every day. Every day I feel your love and positivity. I feel your support. I feel your love. Thank you.
I found out the day of my scan - Nov. 3 at 8 am. I need to find out when I will actually hear the good news. Until Nov. 3, I feel strongly in meditating and visualizing that pink/grey brain. Keep them coming!
Another time, I was meditating during rest time. I was thinking about all the people who were doing the same thing for me. (I am still not perfect at meditation. My mind definitely wanders.) And I just pictured all these people, in different houses, stopping what they are doing and mediating. For me. And I started crying.
And the last one, which really got me, was me and my family in the doctor's office waiting to hear that my head is clear. I then saw all of you in the parking lot awaiting the news also. I saw people talking and laughing and praying. It ended with me coming down and everyone cheering. And the tears really came down my cheeks.
You are with me every day. Every day I feel your love and positivity. I feel your support. I feel your love. Thank you.
I found out the day of my scan - Nov. 3 at 8 am. I need to find out when I will actually hear the good news. Until Nov. 3, I feel strongly in meditating and visualizing that pink/grey brain. Keep them coming!
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Pink Brain
One of the things we started doing very early on was meditating. I had some healing work done on me and he taught me how to meditate. I had my girls over from my bible study and we taught it to them. I asked anyone who wanted to meditate with me throughout the day, to send me a text/email saying that. The more good vibes coming me way, the better. I have about 27 people on two different threads on my phone. I text that I am about to meditate in five minutes, text again to start, and then we all meditate. I started off saying when I was done, but stopped doing that. However long you want to or are able to meditate is perfect. It is pretty cool. I have not really been a meditator even though I have tried several times. I have done some research on it and there is no perfect way. No wrong way. Some of the best teachers have said they are not good at it. It is all about the effort.
I have had several friends confide in me that they, of course, started this to help me, but it has helped them. They feel a calmness after it is done. It brings tears to my eyes. Here I was feeling guilty for asking my friends to help me with yet another thing, and they are benefitting from it. Love that.
If you do not believe in positive thinking and visualization, I am sure this will sound whack-a-do to you, but I do believe. And if you need proof, here I am. I received a clear scan after 3 months when my doctors said I wouldn't ever get rid of it. So visualize away.
The way my friends and I meditate is this way (there are many different ways):
Sit in a comfortable position. Feet should be grounded on the floor/ground. Close your eyes. Hands on legs/knees in a comfortable position. Take in a deep breath for 7 counts. While you are doing this, picture energy from the earth entering your body to your heart. Hold for a second or two. Then release for a count of 7 back to the earth. Do this until you are in a restful state. I usually see a white light after a few minutes of this.
Next, picture energy coming from above and God entering your head and going to your heart for a count of 7. Hold for a couple seconds. Then release it back to the earth for a count of 7. Again, do this until you feel calm or see a light.
Lastly, picture energy coming from above and the earth at the same time to your heart. And it stays there for a count of 7. I usually picture my heart bursting and clearing my body of any foreign objects.
Sometimes I meditate for 7 minutes, sometimes for 20. Just depends on the day and distractions.
During this whole time, I picture a healthy, pink brain. I have been told that our brains are actually grey. Either one is fine. I truly believe in this.
My friend, B, sent me a great picture to use. I had my BIL print it and I look at it before I close my eyes to visualize.
And then M sent me this awesome hat. It is a brain. How cool is this? Another way to visualize!
I have had several friends confide in me that they, of course, started this to help me, but it has helped them. They feel a calmness after it is done. It brings tears to my eyes. Here I was feeling guilty for asking my friends to help me with yet another thing, and they are benefitting from it. Love that.
If you do not believe in positive thinking and visualization, I am sure this will sound whack-a-do to you, but I do believe. And if you need proof, here I am. I received a clear scan after 3 months when my doctors said I wouldn't ever get rid of it. So visualize away.
The way my friends and I meditate is this way (there are many different ways):
Sit in a comfortable position. Feet should be grounded on the floor/ground. Close your eyes. Hands on legs/knees in a comfortable position. Take in a deep breath for 7 counts. While you are doing this, picture energy from the earth entering your body to your heart. Hold for a second or two. Then release for a count of 7 back to the earth. Do this until you are in a restful state. I usually see a white light after a few minutes of this.
Next, picture energy coming from above and God entering your head and going to your heart for a count of 7. Hold for a couple seconds. Then release it back to the earth for a count of 7. Again, do this until you feel calm or see a light.
Lastly, picture energy coming from above and the earth at the same time to your heart. And it stays there for a count of 7. I usually picture my heart bursting and clearing my body of any foreign objects.
Sometimes I meditate for 7 minutes, sometimes for 20. Just depends on the day and distractions.
During this whole time, I picture a healthy, pink brain. I have been told that our brains are actually grey. Either one is fine. I truly believe in this.
My friend, B, sent me a great picture to use. I had my BIL print it and I look at it before I close my eyes to visualize.
And then M sent me this awesome hat. It is a brain. How cool is this? Another way to visualize!
When they told me I had to wait 3 months before we can scan and find out if the radiation worked, all I thought was, "Good. More time to meditate and visualize." So if you want to join us, let me know. I should get the date of my scan soon. I think we have another 6 or 8 weeks left. Lots of time to meditate and visualize a clear brain.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Radiation
My diagnosis was on a Wednesday. That Friday, I was scheduled to see a radiologist. A lot of friends have asked why the chemo didn't get the brain mets. Chemo cannot cross the brain barrier. The molecules are too big. Radiation is how you deal with things in the brain. I was glad. The decision on what to do was taken out of our hands. With chemo, we did lots of research and trusted our gut and didn't do as much as they wanted us to do. Radiation....it is the only way to deal with this.
I met with my new radiologist, Dr. McLaughlin, at Kennestone. We really liked him and felt confident in his hands. I thought I would be starting radiation that day, but no. That day I did have to get fitted for my mask. What mask you ask? When I got radiation on my breast, I had to get tattooed. I have three small tattoos - one on each side of my body (aligned with my breasts) and one right in the middle on my chest. That is to line up the machine to make sure it is putting the radiation where we want it to go. Definitely don't want it to go where it shouldn't.
Even more important in the head/brain. Don't want it in my eye or anywhere else. Tattoos on the head are not the best way to deal with this. So a mask is how they do it. I was warned about the mask from a sweet friend and the nurses there. Most people have to take a Xanex to get fitted for the mask and EVERY time they get radiation. So I was a little nervous about this procedure.
I am on a table and they heat up this huge mask thing so they can mold it to my face. It is a mesh type of mask. It is hot and it is covering your whole face and you start to feel like you can't breathe. And then they put a cool wash rag on it. This now covers the small holes that are you saving grace from freaking out. I felt the anxiety rise, but I took deep breaths and thought of my boys. That helped and it was over soon.
Tuesday comes and I show up, go down to the basement where their office is (I always assumed because of the radiation, but have never asked), scan my card so they know that I am there, change into a gown, wait in the waiting area, and text everybody to get ready to mediate soon. They come and get me and we go back. They asked me my name and why I am there. (I did 31 days before my breast. Towards the end, I would make up names. They told me they had a patient who would say, "My name is Chicken Little and I have come to get fried." LOL) I then go back to a room and lie on a table. And then the mask comes. I was a little nervous. I had been warned. They are nice and explain everything. Then they put the mask on, and snap me in, and I start to breathe deeply in and then out. That almost makes it worse because it emphasizes how hard it is to breathe and the fact that you cannot move. Thankfully, the radiation/scanning part is literally 3 or 4 minutes.
I am to do this for 15 days straight minus the weekends. At this point, I cannot drive. I am still overwhelmed and humbled by my friends who stepped up. EVERY DAY, someone came to drive me to radiation. And someone else came to watch the boys. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. The last 5 treatments, I actually had clearance to drive around town, but I wanted to be driven. And I am all about finishing how I started.
But most importantly, my friends and family boosted my spirits on those drives. We talked and caught up and talk about every day stuff. It was nice to not talk about this. It took my mind of things and I ALWAYS felt better when they dropped me back off at home. Always. There were some days that I was not feeling good mentally, physically, and emotionally. But halfway to Kennestone, I was smiling and feeling normal.
Thank you, Friends. I hope you realize how important your role is in the third and final fight.
I met with my new radiologist, Dr. McLaughlin, at Kennestone. We really liked him and felt confident in his hands. I thought I would be starting radiation that day, but no. That day I did have to get fitted for my mask. What mask you ask? When I got radiation on my breast, I had to get tattooed. I have three small tattoos - one on each side of my body (aligned with my breasts) and one right in the middle on my chest. That is to line up the machine to make sure it is putting the radiation where we want it to go. Definitely don't want it to go where it shouldn't.
Even more important in the head/brain. Don't want it in my eye or anywhere else. Tattoos on the head are not the best way to deal with this. So a mask is how they do it. I was warned about the mask from a sweet friend and the nurses there. Most people have to take a Xanex to get fitted for the mask and EVERY time they get radiation. So I was a little nervous about this procedure.
I am on a table and they heat up this huge mask thing so they can mold it to my face. It is a mesh type of mask. It is hot and it is covering your whole face and you start to feel like you can't breathe. And then they put a cool wash rag on it. This now covers the small holes that are you saving grace from freaking out. I felt the anxiety rise, but I took deep breaths and thought of my boys. That helped and it was over soon.
Tuesday comes and I show up, go down to the basement where their office is (I always assumed because of the radiation, but have never asked), scan my card so they know that I am there, change into a gown, wait in the waiting area, and text everybody to get ready to mediate soon. They come and get me and we go back. They asked me my name and why I am there. (I did 31 days before my breast. Towards the end, I would make up names. They told me they had a patient who would say, "My name is Chicken Little and I have come to get fried." LOL) I then go back to a room and lie on a table. And then the mask comes. I was a little nervous. I had been warned. They are nice and explain everything. Then they put the mask on, and snap me in, and I start to breathe deeply in and then out. That almost makes it worse because it emphasizes how hard it is to breathe and the fact that you cannot move. Thankfully, the radiation/scanning part is literally 3 or 4 minutes.
 |
| The black "knobs" are snapped in so I it cannot move. |
 |
| "Are you happy to see me or is that just your gown?" LOL |
But most importantly, my friends and family boosted my spirits on those drives. We talked and caught up and talk about every day stuff. It was nice to not talk about this. It took my mind of things and I ALWAYS felt better when they dropped me back off at home. Always. There were some days that I was not feeling good mentally, physically, and emotionally. But halfway to Kennestone, I was smiling and feeling normal.
Thank you, Friends. I hope you realize how important your role is in the third and final fight.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Rewind
I finally have some time to catch everyone up. When I was first diagnosed, as I have said, I was pretty out of it for a couple weeks. I wanted to update everyone, but I couldn't use my computer. I would just sit and stare at the keyboard and the letters didn't make sense. But I have posts in my head and will get them out when I can and let everyone know what has happened in the last 6 weeks. (How has it been that long?)
In hindsight, I have had symptoms since March. But that is when I had my tubes and ovaries out and when I noticed them. I was dizzy. About ten times a day, I would get a dizzy spell. I assumed it was from the anesthesia. After 3 weeks, I called my gynecologist and asked about it. She said it was probably from my diet. (Ugh. My Western doctors just won't give my diet any credit and like to knock it down when they can.) I chalked it up to being tired and the inhibitors I am still taking.
I have always been a klutz, but I had been swaying here and there. I would be walking and all of a sudden stumble/sway to the left. Again, chalked it up to being tired and my general gracefulness.
I want to say my head hurt here and there, but I was a migraine sufferer from my teens until 8 years ago when I finally got rid of them from chiropractic care. So not sure if I had pain in my head or not. If I did, it wasn't bad.
And a chiropractors is how this all began. My chiropractor, moved so I was in search of a new one. After 8 weeks of not being adjusted, I found a new one. He adjusted me differently than I had been adjusted for 8 years. That was on a Thursday. On Friday, I got up and ran with a friend at 6 am. When I came home, I went out back to water my tomatoes while I cooled down. My vision got weird. One side was pitch black. And the other side had swirls moving. It was very discerning and scary. But after about ten minutes (which is a long time when you are freaking out), it stopped. So I chalked it up to getting up early, running, and being hot. I continued on my day and within 30 minutes, I slowly, but steadily had a debilitating headache. I had an appointment at 10 for acupuncture. I looked for bowl to get sick in because I was not feeling well and went to my appointment. 30 minutes of acupuncture took care of the headache. We assumed it was a combination of the new adjustment and my running.
Next Thursday, adjusted again. Friday, I had another headache, but not until around 3:00 pm. More acupuncture, and it is gone. Took longer to get a headache, so my new chiropractor and I figured my body was just getting used to the new way he was adjusting me.
That weekend was good, but Monday and Tuesday, I had a dull headache. Wednesday, July 15, I had two appointments. The first one I had a hard time pulling things out of my head. More so than normal. Again, I have chemo brain so wasn't too concerned. My next appointment was a new natural path at 1:15. Got there at 1, and my head is really starting to hurt. I take some Advil and rubbed my temples until I have to go in. I still don't know how I retained anything from the appointment. My head was pounding. I wasn't walking straight. I bumped into the walls several time. My left arm went numb on 3 occasions. My left side of my face went numb. It was pretty bad. At the end of the appointment, she asked if I could drive. I said no. I took my phone outside to call Jason. For ten minutes, I stared at my phone. I could not find the J. I tried saying the letters as they appear on the typewriter, but I just couldn't find it. It was very scary and frustrating.
I went back in and asked the receptionist to press J for me so I could call Jason. I talked to him. I thought I sounded fine, but he said it was pretty scary. He asked to talk to the receptionist and he asked if they could take me to hospital. Thankfully we were close to North Fulton because I was not feeling well at this point. I was afraid I was going to get sick in that sweet lady's car.
And the rest you know. Scary words - brain mets. But, hopefully now, you see that it isn't so scary. I am still getting the sympathetic smiles and comments, but majority of my friends get it. This is nothing. This will be the final cure.
In hindsight, I have had symptoms since March. But that is when I had my tubes and ovaries out and when I noticed them. I was dizzy. About ten times a day, I would get a dizzy spell. I assumed it was from the anesthesia. After 3 weeks, I called my gynecologist and asked about it. She said it was probably from my diet. (Ugh. My Western doctors just won't give my diet any credit and like to knock it down when they can.) I chalked it up to being tired and the inhibitors I am still taking.
I have always been a klutz, but I had been swaying here and there. I would be walking and all of a sudden stumble/sway to the left. Again, chalked it up to being tired and my general gracefulness.
I want to say my head hurt here and there, but I was a migraine sufferer from my teens until 8 years ago when I finally got rid of them from chiropractic care. So not sure if I had pain in my head or not. If I did, it wasn't bad.
And a chiropractors is how this all began. My chiropractor, moved so I was in search of a new one. After 8 weeks of not being adjusted, I found a new one. He adjusted me differently than I had been adjusted for 8 years. That was on a Thursday. On Friday, I got up and ran with a friend at 6 am. When I came home, I went out back to water my tomatoes while I cooled down. My vision got weird. One side was pitch black. And the other side had swirls moving. It was very discerning and scary. But after about ten minutes (which is a long time when you are freaking out), it stopped. So I chalked it up to getting up early, running, and being hot. I continued on my day and within 30 minutes, I slowly, but steadily had a debilitating headache. I had an appointment at 10 for acupuncture. I looked for bowl to get sick in because I was not feeling well and went to my appointment. 30 minutes of acupuncture took care of the headache. We assumed it was a combination of the new adjustment and my running.
Next Thursday, adjusted again. Friday, I had another headache, but not until around 3:00 pm. More acupuncture, and it is gone. Took longer to get a headache, so my new chiropractor and I figured my body was just getting used to the new way he was adjusting me.
That weekend was good, but Monday and Tuesday, I had a dull headache. Wednesday, July 15, I had two appointments. The first one I had a hard time pulling things out of my head. More so than normal. Again, I have chemo brain so wasn't too concerned. My next appointment was a new natural path at 1:15. Got there at 1, and my head is really starting to hurt. I take some Advil and rubbed my temples until I have to go in. I still don't know how I retained anything from the appointment. My head was pounding. I wasn't walking straight. I bumped into the walls several time. My left arm went numb on 3 occasions. My left side of my face went numb. It was pretty bad. At the end of the appointment, she asked if I could drive. I said no. I took my phone outside to call Jason. For ten minutes, I stared at my phone. I could not find the J. I tried saying the letters as they appear on the typewriter, but I just couldn't find it. It was very scary and frustrating.
I went back in and asked the receptionist to press J for me so I could call Jason. I talked to him. I thought I sounded fine, but he said it was pretty scary. He asked to talk to the receptionist and he asked if they could take me to hospital. Thankfully we were close to North Fulton because I was not feeling well at this point. I was afraid I was going to get sick in that sweet lady's car.
And the rest you know. Scary words - brain mets. But, hopefully now, you see that it isn't so scary. I am still getting the sympathetic smiles and comments, but majority of my friends get it. This is nothing. This will be the final cure.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Insomnia
One of the lovely side effects of the steroids I am on is insomnia. I was frustrated at first as I know I need to sleep and heal. But quickly realized that is counteractive to stress about it and creating more unease inside so I quickly stopped that! I wait for an hour, and if I don't fall back to sleep, I read or get up and actually get things done. One of the things that popped in my head tonight are the products that I use daily that I need to research to see if there are other places where I can get them for less.
I have joked that it is not easy being me. Between all the time I spend cooking and doing dishes, the things that I am putting in my body that are not always good tasting, making 3 wheatgrass shots a day (takes about 10 minutes three times a day), detox baths, dry brushing, meditating, resting, etc, etc, etc, I don't have the time to go to different stores or get online to look. I was hoping you could keep your eyes open for these products and let me know if you find them elsewhere less than what I am paying.
|
Product
|
What I Am Paying
|
|
Pink Himalayan Salt (1 cup a day) |
$23 for 10 lbs |
|
Protein Powder (1 to 2 scoops a day) |
$20 for one package |
|
Beeswax Tea lights (1 a day) |
$24 for 24 |
|
Lentil Pasta |
$9.99 for 12 oz |
|
quinoa (at least 5 cups a day) |
$27 for 4 lbs |
|
Epsom Salt (1 cup a day) |
Found a big bag at Kroger, but cannot remember how much.... |
|
Sacred Frankincense Essential Oil (3 drops under tongue in am and pm) But only the pure EOs! |
$99 - I don’t think it will be found cheaper, but sometimes there are sales or buy one get one half |
 |
| Himalayan Salt |
 |
| Lentil Pasta |
 |
| Protein Powder Cannot eat the chocolate, of course... |
 |
| Quinoa |
 |
| Yumminess |
 |
| This is a treat I found that I can eat. It is delicious. I found it at TJ Maxx. I cleaned them out - all 3 of them. I found one at Kroger and they haven't restocked. I am looking for this exact one. NO SUGAR ADDED. The only ingredients are coconut and sea salt. Why must they ruin a good thing by adding coconut sugar?? I am not looking for this less expensive, I am just looking for them!! I went on their website, and maybe I missed it, but I couldn't find this exact one. If you find some, clean them out and I will happily pay you back as I am stuffing this in my face. |
Friday, August 14, 2015
Three Months
I have wanted to post this past month (how has it been a month already?), but I wasn't able to make sense of a keyboard for awhile. I couldn't pull words out of my head. I could see them in there, but they didn't come out. But I will talk about that in another post.
I wanted to update everyone where we are today. Which is good!!
August 11th was my last radiation. 15 days. Every day, someone drove me. And someone else watched my boys. I cannot even tell you how much that meant to me. I am loved.
When I was first diagnosed, I was in bad shape. They put me on 5 steroids/anti-inflammatory drugs. That is a lot. But I needed them. The headaches were pretty bad, I was stumbling, and I was very dizzy. The thing that really upset me, and made me cry, - I couldn't read to my boys at night. That is my favorite part of the day. I couldn't make out the words. I could see the letters, but they weren't words. Sometimes the stories went like this: "The dog dug bone. And then. Boy. The. House." It was pretty bad. And those sweet boys never called me out.
Two weeks ago, I was doing so well, that we dropped to 4 pills. Last week - 3. And Tuesday -2! In one week -1.5. The following week - .5. And then we are done. This is a big deal. This means the radiation is working. My doctor said, "If I met you on the street, I would not know you had brain mets." I guess he forgot that I told him I was a bad a*#.
I couldn't drive at first. I got clearance, but only around town. No highway. And I am okay with that.
At our first meeting, I asked if I could run. This was the conversation:
- Tell me what that looks like.
- 3 to 4 miles, twice a week.
He looks at Jason and Jason said, "Along Whitlock Avenue!"
He looks at me and says, "Let's not do that right now. I don't want you swaying into traffic."
But I now have clearance. I can start working out with my sister again.
We have agreed, though, that running is probably not what I should be doing right now. I need to heal. I don't think through all of this, I have given myself time to do that. I get the good news and I just want to go back to "normal". I am now one of those crazy looking fast walkers - pumping my arms and going pretty fast. I am not doing the crazy hip movement....yet.
My doctor said that he sees all the mets gone. Maybe a couple left over. And he says nonchalantly, "We will just take care of those with cyber knife." Um, I would prefer not to have that. And we won't, because they are gone or on their way out as I type this.
We cannot rescan for three months. It takes that long for the radiation to do its job. But I am okay with that. More meditating, more healing, more positive thinking, more adding to my arsenal.
The thing that I realized, very quickly, after this diagnosis is that I am not letting my body heal. I just want to get back to "normal". Whatever that looks like. But the first time, I finished chemo and radiation and pushed myself to get back to life. After the second time, and clear scan, I consciously thought, "I am good. I don't have to do my wheatgrass shots. I don't have to rest. It is okay if I stay up late tonight."
And my body keeps telling me that I cannot do that. I sometimes get mad thinking that others don't have to rest every day or be in bed by 10 or stay away from stressful situations and people. But I do. My body likes to grow irregular cells and I am contributing to it.
I have been through a lot. My body has not let me down. And I just keep punching it. Time to slow down. Let my body heal. Let my cells regenerate. Let the brain relax. Breathe. Thank this body for working so hard. Give it the rest it deserves.
The next three months will give me time to figure this out. I have to be scheduled. Something I really tried not to do before all this. But the only way I am going to fit everything in, is to make a schedule for each day of the week and follow it.
Time to figure this out - once and for all.
In three months, we will get the good news. Clear scan.
Thank you for loving me. I feel it EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I wanted to update everyone where we are today. Which is good!!
August 11th was my last radiation. 15 days. Every day, someone drove me. And someone else watched my boys. I cannot even tell you how much that meant to me. I am loved.
When I was first diagnosed, I was in bad shape. They put me on 5 steroids/anti-inflammatory drugs. That is a lot. But I needed them. The headaches were pretty bad, I was stumbling, and I was very dizzy. The thing that really upset me, and made me cry, - I couldn't read to my boys at night. That is my favorite part of the day. I couldn't make out the words. I could see the letters, but they weren't words. Sometimes the stories went like this: "The dog dug bone. And then. Boy. The. House." It was pretty bad. And those sweet boys never called me out.
Two weeks ago, I was doing so well, that we dropped to 4 pills. Last week - 3. And Tuesday -2! In one week -1.5. The following week - .5. And then we are done. This is a big deal. This means the radiation is working. My doctor said, "If I met you on the street, I would not know you had brain mets." I guess he forgot that I told him I was a bad a*#.
I couldn't drive at first. I got clearance, but only around town. No highway. And I am okay with that.
At our first meeting, I asked if I could run. This was the conversation:
- Tell me what that looks like.
- 3 to 4 miles, twice a week.
He looks at Jason and Jason said, "Along Whitlock Avenue!"
He looks at me and says, "Let's not do that right now. I don't want you swaying into traffic."
But I now have clearance. I can start working out with my sister again.
We have agreed, though, that running is probably not what I should be doing right now. I need to heal. I don't think through all of this, I have given myself time to do that. I get the good news and I just want to go back to "normal". I am now one of those crazy looking fast walkers - pumping my arms and going pretty fast. I am not doing the crazy hip movement....yet.
My doctor said that he sees all the mets gone. Maybe a couple left over. And he says nonchalantly, "We will just take care of those with cyber knife." Um, I would prefer not to have that. And we won't, because they are gone or on their way out as I type this.
We cannot rescan for three months. It takes that long for the radiation to do its job. But I am okay with that. More meditating, more healing, more positive thinking, more adding to my arsenal.
The thing that I realized, very quickly, after this diagnosis is that I am not letting my body heal. I just want to get back to "normal". Whatever that looks like. But the first time, I finished chemo and radiation and pushed myself to get back to life. After the second time, and clear scan, I consciously thought, "I am good. I don't have to do my wheatgrass shots. I don't have to rest. It is okay if I stay up late tonight."
And my body keeps telling me that I cannot do that. I sometimes get mad thinking that others don't have to rest every day or be in bed by 10 or stay away from stressful situations and people. But I do. My body likes to grow irregular cells and I am contributing to it.
I have been through a lot. My body has not let me down. And I just keep punching it. Time to slow down. Let my body heal. Let my cells regenerate. Let the brain relax. Breathe. Thank this body for working so hard. Give it the rest it deserves.
The next three months will give me time to figure this out. I have to be scheduled. Something I really tried not to do before all this. But the only way I am going to fit everything in, is to make a schedule for each day of the week and follow it.
Time to figure this out - once and for all.
In three months, we will get the good news. Clear scan.
Thank you for loving me. I feel it EVERY SINGLE DAY.
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| Just some of my day... |
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