Before this journey, I thought when you got the word remission, you breathed a sigh of relief, you jumped up and down, and life moved on. I wish it was that easy.
It is hard to change your way of thinking after three years. Three long years. Three years of worrying. Three years of noticing every change in your body and wondering if it means your worst fear is coming true. Three years of waking up and putting on your warrior cape and fighting. Three years of figuring out who the new you is and who she will become when the fight is over.
I am still figuring that out, but I can say that, today, I am in a good place. I wasn't in a good place right after my hearing remission. It's hard to believe that something you have hoped for for so long and, fought for EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY, is finally here.
It took about two weeks and I woke up one morning and my stomach wasn't in knots anymore. My first thought wasn't of my fight. I woke up and I was happy. Even as I type this, that seems so crazy. Why wouldn't I be ecstatic? Elated? Screaming "remission" at the top of my lungs and then just laughing. I am not sure. I am sure I could spend some time on a therapist's couch. I am sure this is normal.
A friend pointed out that I was still in warrior mode. The war had ended, but I was getting up every day and defending my battlefield. I forgot to tell Warrior Dawn that she could stop fighting. It was time to tell Dawn - the Dawn that I sent away until it was safe - that it was time to come home. And that is what it took. A conscience conversation in my head telling myself to breath and relax. I invited that fun, goofy, doesn't-worry-that-much-Dawn home. We embraced and cried. Warrior Dawn is not gone. I know I will need her again. Whether it is for health reasons, or family reasons, or just being here on Earth reasons. Whatever it is, it is time for her to rest and for this Dawn to start living life again. I haven't done that much lately. But I have been in the last couple of weeks. I am a miracle. My time is not done. God wants me here. It is time to start living again. You have been warned...
I am still figuring that out, but I can say that, today, I am in a good place. I wasn't in a good place right after my hearing remission. It's hard to believe that something you have hoped for for so long and, fought for EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY, is finally here.
It took about two weeks and I woke up one morning and my stomach wasn't in knots anymore. My first thought wasn't of my fight. I woke up and I was happy. Even as I type this, that seems so crazy. Why wouldn't I be ecstatic? Elated? Screaming "remission" at the top of my lungs and then just laughing. I am not sure. I am sure I could spend some time on a therapist's couch. I am sure this is normal.
A friend pointed out that I was still in warrior mode. The war had ended, but I was getting up every day and defending my battlefield. I forgot to tell Warrior Dawn that she could stop fighting. It was time to tell Dawn - the Dawn that I sent away until it was safe - that it was time to come home. And that is what it took. A conscience conversation in my head telling myself to breath and relax. I invited that fun, goofy, doesn't-worry-that-much-Dawn home. We embraced and cried. Warrior Dawn is not gone. I know I will need her again. Whether it is for health reasons, or family reasons, or just being here on Earth reasons. Whatever it is, it is time for her to rest and for this Dawn to start living life again. I haven't done that much lately. But I have been in the last couple of weeks. I am a miracle. My time is not done. God wants me here. It is time to start living again. You have been warned...
