Just Because

In honor of Valentine's Day, I would like to talk about my husband.  The man who has stood by me through all of this.  Who is calm when I am freaking out.  Who is there to hold me when I need to cry.  Who is there to remind me that life is good.

We don't celebrate Valentine's Day.  Well, we exchange cards.  I have made it easy for him.  I don't like the fact that he feels he has to tell me why he loves me because the commercials tell him that.  Doesn't seem sincere to me.  I know, I know, it is about celebrating your love.  I get that and will cry when someone tells me something sweet their partner did or said to them on V Day.  But for me, I don't  want it on that day.  I want it every day.

But I am lucky.  Very lucky.  EVERY single day, I know that my husband loves me.  I know this because he shows me by working hard every day to provide for us.  I know this because he calls me during the day to check on me and the boys.  I know this because it is something I feel in my being even when I am not thinking about it.

I called today about getting my stereo fixed in my car.  When the salesperson looked up my information, he said, "I see it.  Looks like he got it for you for a Christmas gift."  No.  He got it for me just because.  I have a great pair of cowboy boots that people always comment on how much they love them.  Another gift just because.  I have many gifts that are just because.  To me, when I get a gift just because it means that he saw something and knew it would make me smile.  It means he was thinking about me during his busy day.  It means that he wants to take care of me and do things to make me happy.  It means that I am one lucky girl.

When I got my diagnosis, I saw my husband's face drop and I knew he was scared.  He was scared of losing me and, yet again, I am reminded how much he loves me.  When my hair fell out, he told me it just meant there was more skin to caress.   He doesn't look at me any differently even though my body has been cut up and parts of me are now deformed.  He looks at me and all I see is love.  How lucky am I?

So tomorrow Jason won't be stressed out about getting the right gift or making reservations at the right restaurant.  I made it easy for him because he does things throughout the year to tell me he loves me.  Now that I am thinking about it, maybe that isn't easier.  Instead of only one day of making sure I feel loved, he has to do it for 365.  Lucky for him (and me), he is really good at it.

Hairy Radiation Angel

I started radiation on Monday.  I thought about this day way back in June when we originally talked about it.  And I thought it was going to be the easy part.  It is EASIER, but not easy.  So that Jason doesn't have to miss too much work, I asked for an early appointment time.  "Here you go, Mrs. Ford....7:15."  Shit. That means I have to get up at 6:30 (after getting up several times with my wonderful son who still is not sleeping through the night), drive to the hospital, park, scan my card, undress, wait to be called back shivering in my thin gown, get manipulated on the table so all my marks line up, freeze while on the table with nothing on from the waist up, get infused with radiation, get up, dress, walk back to the car, and drive home.  It is now 8:00 and sweet Charlie is smiling in his crib.  And the day begins....

But let me backtrack to tell you about my first day of radiation.  There are a couple appointments before my actual first dose of radiation.  You relax on a table while they "mark" you up with a Sharpie.  These Xs are used to line up the machine so the radiation goes to the same place every time.  So, I am on the table with my arms above my head in stirrup-looking things.  They are manipulating my body so the marks line up.  One of the techs was right in my armpit.  I had a thought.  What if my underarm hair has grown back and I didn't know it?  I had not had to shave in over 4 months.  Before I could think more about it, they tell me to be still.  They explain......the machine will rotate around me.  If I need to cough or sneeze, do it towards the ceiling and don't move.  They will leave the room, but they can hear and see me the entire time.  (I guess I won't be farting or picking my nose)  Then they leave.  It will take less than 10 minutes.  While this is going on, I try to sleep.  But my mind wanders.....

My mind lands on Jean.  Jean, Jean, The Dancing Machine.  I had the privilege of teaching with Jean and calling her my friend.  She was a picture of positivity and laughter.  She lost her fight last February.  I have thought of her often since my diagnosis.  Before I was diagnosed, I thought a lot about how she must have felt.  I will not pretend that I do know now, but unfortunately I am closer to understanding.  So I was thinking about her and talked to her a little bit.  Then I had this crystal clear image - Jean was standing to the right of me, her right hand on my hip, her left hand on my shoulder, and her head was bowed.  Tears came and a sense of peace came over me.  Is she up there watching over me?  Is she smiling down and laughing along with me?  I would like to think so.  I miss you, Jean, and I hope you are enjoying your pain-free body and new wings.

I leave the office and walk to my car.  1 out of 33 treatments done.  I hope the fatigue is not too bad and hope the blisters don't come.  (Although I am thinking that might make my boob look bigger.  Score!) I left the parking garage thinking about how many times I had pulled up to the window to pay after a treatment.  Sometimes it still floors me that I going through this.  Sometimes it is like a dream.

I get home and both boys are still sleeping so I take the opportunity to take a shower.  I think to look under my arms and OMG!  There isn't just a few hairs, but a lot and one that is pretty darn long.  That poor woman had to look at that!  I just start laughing and can't stop.  During all these crazy emotions, it always come back to the same thing - life can suck, but if you look close enough, there is usually something to laugh about and get you through it.

So stand up and raise your heads, look for the humor, and laugh your ass off.  It really is the only choice because, if you don't, the alternative sucks.

Paleo Shrimp Curry in Crockpot

This is the second time I made this.  It is so good!  I doubled the recipe this time so will be having leftovers tomorrow for lunch.  Jason likes it with some hot sauce.  Tonight we added some lime juice in our bowls for a little different flavor.
I haven't been able to find curry paste so have used curry seasoning instead.  Enjoy!

Shrimp Curry

What you need: (This is the doubled recipe)

1. 2 pounds uncooked shrimp. I use frozen Argentinian red shrimp that I get from Trader Joe’s. They’re wild caught and a great deal for the pound. (I used frozen from Kroger.)
2. 2 large cans of Italian crushed tomatoes, about 4 cups worth. You can use 8 cups worth of fresh tomatoes if you wish. The more you add the soupier your end product will be.
3. 2 cans of coconut milk.
4. 4 -6 tbsp red curry paste. I use Thai House brand as it has all natural ingredients and is tasty.
5. 1 head of cauliflower, cut into large chunks of florets. (I did not add cauliflower.  There were a couple comments that their flavor was too strong...)
6. 1 large yellow or white onion.
7. 2 large yellow or orange peppers cut into strips.
8. 2 cups of chopped green onions. Set a few stalks aside for your garnish.
9. 2 - 3 cups of chopped carrots. You can skip these, yet I had some so in they went!
10. 2 cups chopped celery.
11. Spicy: If you want more heat for your shrimp I suggest you at a healthy amount of cayenne pepper or dried habaneros. I love my habanero seasoning from hell. It really isn’t beyond hot as the tin says, but it is tasty. (I did not add these as I am a whimp!)

So easy a vegetarian that eats seafood could do it:

1. Dump your crushed tomatoes and coconut milk into your slow cooker.
2. Stir in your curry paste and spices.
3. Dump in your veggies and make sure they are submerged in curry.
4. Do NOT add shrimp to your slow cooker, that is for later!
5. Cook on high for 3 hours or low for 6+ hours.
6. Add your shrimp to your curry pot 5-10 minutes before serving. Shrimp, even uncooked and frozen shrimp, do not take long to cook. The last thing you want is rubbery shrimp. Check on your shrimp after 5 minutes, they shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes in a warm pot. I prefer to thaw my shrimp first, running them under warm water or letting them sit in a bowl of warm water. Dropping them in frozen is going to take longer and more guesswork.

I Have Had Enough Character Development, Thank You Very Much!

The last seven months have been anything but boring.  My diagnosis started the journey and this past Thursday night was the worst for me yet.

My diagnosis was May 29th while 25 weeks pregnant.  A week later, I hit my boss' car backing out of the driveway while both of them were watching.  2 days later, right before his 1-year-old pictures, Jack was sitting at the table in his booster seat and pushed back.  Before I could even react, the chair was on its back with Jack still strapped in.  For days we watched him and his eyes and worried damage had been done.  We welcome Charlie and, for a couple of weeks, are in pure bliss.  Then comes chemo.   That knocks me out of commission for months.  We finish chemo, get ready for radiation, and I am happy to be on the uphill of this journey.

I think about cancer often and what I should learn from it.  Be happy and live life to its fullest.  I was doing that before the dreaded words, "You have breast cancer." So I just try to really live life every single day.  It calms me to think that way and I feel that the worst is over.

Then here comes Thursday to remind me that life is never done with you....

Thursday I got home from work, changed clothes, and started down the stairs with both boys in my arms.  I ALWAYS take off my socks.  My head told me to take them off, but I was in a hurry.  I got down about 5 stairs and my feet slipped out from under me.  The next few seconds are a blur, but what I think happened is that instinctively I pushed my behind out to sit down.  I think I dropped Jack and I saw us all tumbling down the stairs.  (There are 14!).  I do remember looking down and being surprised that  Charlie was still in my arms, but he had hyper extended backwards.  I was holding him under his behind with him facing me.  When I got him back up, he didn't look right.  He was curled up like a letter C, his arms were clenched up, and he was moaning.  Moaning like someone who had brain damage.  At that moment, I thought my smiley Charlie was changed forever.  He wasn't going to smile anymore.  He wasn't going to "talk" to me anymore.  He was gone.

I told Jason to call 911 and started pacing around the house crying, whispering to Charlie, and begging him to open his eyes and smile at me.  Jack was fine just scared and crying because I was.  Jason called 911, I turned on Elmo for Jack and gave him some chocolate (thank god for chocolate!).  I picked up my cell phone and called Jason's mom.  Jason changed and we waited the LONGEST 5 minutes ever.  During all this, I kept looking at Charlie and he was still moaning, was curled up, and wouldn't open his eyes.  I won't even try to express what I was feeling.  Nancy showed up, the firemen showed up, and the questions started.

What happened? Did he hit his head? (I don't know) How was he acting? I can't remember anything else.  Everyone was reassuring me.  Charlie was finally crying at this time.  The paramedics were encouraged with that.  The ambulance showed up and they took Charlie from me and started assessing him.  They felt that he was okay, but suggested we go to the hospital.

Charlie still hadn't smiled.  I needed to see his smile.  I needed to know he was still Charlie.  The paramedics joked that he was just mad at me.  Still, this mother needed a smile.

Charlie and I had our first ambulance ride together.  We get to the hospital and they finally let me hold him again and he smiled!  I think it was the first time I exhaled.  It didn't stop my tears, but I felt a little better.

The doctor came in and checked him out.  She said he seemed fine.  She didn't want to do xrays because the amount of radiation is high for such a little fellow.   We fed him and wait for about 30 minutes to watch him.  He drank 4.5 ounces and fell asleep in my arms.

I didn't sleep much that night.  I kept reliving and reliving the fall and couldn't get that image out of my head of him moaning and all curled up.  I have always dealt with events like this by figuring out what I should learn from it.  It calms me to figure that out and then figure out how to make sure it doesn't happen again.  I already know that life is short.  I already know to enjoy every day.  I already know that my boys are miracles.  So what am I supposed to learn from this?

Then a thought came to me... Maybe I don't have to learn something Godly or profound.  Maybe it is as simple as to remember not to wear socks down a hardwood staircase.  Nothing profound about that.  Just take a deep breath, Dawn, and take off the damn socks.