I am guessing that everyone was praying that this round would be much easier for me because it has been. No back pain. No time spent in the bathroom. I have been queasy here and there, but not what I would call nauseous. I will take it!
I lost 17 pounds in 3 weeks. Partly from stress and partly from my new diet. After sharing how much I loved my egg sandwiches, those were taken away from me. It is kind of a joke now. We find something that I really enjoy eating and, after some more research, we decide I shouldn't be eating it. I am just going to keep my mouth shut when I find something I actually like.
I went to Dr. Li Liu. www.acuwellnessatlanta.co After doing a nutritional response test, she said I needed to stay away from eggs, gluten, corn, and fruit. My sister remembers her saying I was allergic to those things. I remember her just saying I needed to stay away from them. Either way, that is why my eggs were taken away. I was eating ezekiel bread, but that is gone too. I am now eating spelt bread. That actually tastes better to me. (Don't tell Lisa!)
There was also a test that shows the true age of my inside body. Not so much physically. Stress and worry will age your insides. Well, being as competitive as I was (and healthy in my mind), I thought for sure I was going to do well. My age? 70!!! WTH. I asked if that was just because of my recent diagnosis or that is how I have always been. She said she can only say what she sees right now and doesn't know why the results are what they are at this time. Lisa is laughing and I am mad which makes her laugh even more. We did acupuncture and Lisa left me to relax saying, "Don't fall off the table, old woman. You might not be able to get back up." I am so lucky I am so loved...
My friend, Bev, introduced us to Frances. She makes raw food out of her house. We have been getting food from her for the last week. It has been so nice because, as you can imagine, making all fresh food takes time. It has been so nice to go to the fridge and grab an all green salad that is already made. And they are very yummy. She also makes green smoothies. They are not as tasty, but Jack helps me drink them by counting off for me and I take big gulps. Hopefully they will taste better soon.
I have been journaling more and am surprised that I look forward to it. I have tried to journal multiple times throughout my life. I have thrown away many journals with 2 or 3 entries in them. I can now add journaler to my list of titles. I need to add yoga into my arsenal and meditating. The flowers (Thank you!) smell wonderful and I have been burning a beeswax candle (thank you, Julie). We are getting there!
Thank you for your continued support, prayers, and sweet messages. I am reading a book about positive thinking and visualizing. I would love continued visualization of Fraggle Rock men blasting the cancer OUT of my body from you. I do think there is something to that. We need to have a showing of Fraggle Rock soon.
Chemo again in two days. Positive thinking - another great week!
#fancer
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Down For The Count
My doctors and nurses said I would handle chemo fine. I was young and in good shape so the side effects would be minimal. All their noses should be bigger when I see them again on Tuesday.
They did say that I would have nervous energy. I will want to clean closets at 3 am. "It doesn't last long so clean that closet."
I woke up Wednesday morning at 4 am just staring at the ceiling. It took me about 15 minutes to realize this was the nervous energy they were talking about. I tried to get back to sleep until 5 and finally went downstairs to watch bad TV.
Wednesday afternoon I started feeling pain in my lower back. As the day got longer, the pain got more intense. I have a high threshold of pain and don't complain. There was a lot of yelping when I had to bend over. Picking up my boys brought tears to my eyes. And I was mad.
I was mad because I felt sick. I ran 10 miles 3 days before we found the lump. 10 miles!! And now I feel bad. It really messed with my head. And I was over my bland, boring diet. I was not in a good place.
Part of this whole process is for me to not hold things in, to let them out, and move on. So when Jason asked me what was wrong, instead of saying nothing like I usually do, I unloaded. "I am tired, I am hurting, I am hungry, and I am scared!"
I went to bed at 9:30 and slept until 8. I woke up Thursday morning with no back pain! I was thinking, "Okay, I can do this. One day of pain and back to feeling normal." It only took about an hour for the pain to slowly come back. And it was worse than yesterday.
I woke up Friday with no pain, but was expecting it to come. It came, but it was significantly less. Once again, I was hoping this was the last of the side effects.
I went to bed Saturday night hoping I was in the clear. I must have woken up 8 to 10 different times VERY NAUSEOUS. I would breath deeply and just try to get back to sleep. I woke up Sunday and wasn't feeling well. I won't go into details, but I spent a lot of time in the bathroom. I was mad again and thinking that I couldn't do this every week for three months.
But, I didn't stay down for long. #fancer
On the advice of Jason, I put on a sweatshirt and sat outside in the sun.
I slowly started feeling better. My food natzi, my sister, Lisa, has added some food to my diet. I got to eat some egg whites, ezekiel bread, tomatoes, and avocado. It helped ease my stomach and my mind.
I am writing this now because I am hoping this is it!!! I am going to go to bed tonight and visualize the chemo and cancer leaving my body. Tomorrow is a new day, a new week, and a new attitude.
Thanks for being here.
They did say that I would have nervous energy. I will want to clean closets at 3 am. "It doesn't last long so clean that closet."
I woke up Wednesday morning at 4 am just staring at the ceiling. It took me about 15 minutes to realize this was the nervous energy they were talking about. I tried to get back to sleep until 5 and finally went downstairs to watch bad TV.
Wednesday afternoon I started feeling pain in my lower back. As the day got longer, the pain got more intense. I have a high threshold of pain and don't complain. There was a lot of yelping when I had to bend over. Picking up my boys brought tears to my eyes. And I was mad.
I was mad because I felt sick. I ran 10 miles 3 days before we found the lump. 10 miles!! And now I feel bad. It really messed with my head. And I was over my bland, boring diet. I was not in a good place.
Part of this whole process is for me to not hold things in, to let them out, and move on. So when Jason asked me what was wrong, instead of saying nothing like I usually do, I unloaded. "I am tired, I am hurting, I am hungry, and I am scared!"
I went to bed at 9:30 and slept until 8. I woke up Thursday morning with no back pain! I was thinking, "Okay, I can do this. One day of pain and back to feeling normal." It only took about an hour for the pain to slowly come back. And it was worse than yesterday.
I woke up Friday with no pain, but was expecting it to come. It came, but it was significantly less. Once again, I was hoping this was the last of the side effects.
I went to bed Saturday night hoping I was in the clear. I must have woken up 8 to 10 different times VERY NAUSEOUS. I would breath deeply and just try to get back to sleep. I woke up Sunday and wasn't feeling well. I won't go into details, but I spent a lot of time in the bathroom. I was mad again and thinking that I couldn't do this every week for three months.
But, I didn't stay down for long. #fancer
On the advice of Jason, I put on a sweatshirt and sat outside in the sun.
I slowly started feeling better. My food natzi, my sister, Lisa, has added some food to my diet. I got to eat some egg whites, ezekiel bread, tomatoes, and avocado. It helped ease my stomach and my mind.
I am writing this now because I am hoping this is it!!! I am going to go to bed tonight and visualize the chemo and cancer leaving my body. Tomorrow is a new day, a new week, and a new attitude.
Thanks for being here.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
I'd Rather Be Running...
It seems like it has been much longer than 2 days since I last updated everyone.
We had our first meeting of Dawn's Treatment Board on Sunday. We invited over 5 people and my big sis. My little sis was on speaker phone from Memphis. My mother was on another speaker phone from Fort Lauderdale. We talked for over 2 hours. We explored all the options. We shared stories. We cried. We laughed. We prayed. It was really good.
Where was my head at on Sunday night? I felt we had done enough research for now and it was time to choose someone to start administering my chemo. All the doctors said that the protocol that Volas-Redd (current oncologist) prescribed was the way to go. So at this point, we just needed a doctor to order them and get them in my body.
I knew all along that we would do chemo. Maybe not all of what she prescribed, and maybe not those types, but some kind of chemo. In my mind, I still don't know how much I want to do, but I did know that I wanted to get some chemo in me. We had waited 2 weeks (and aren't sure how fast the cancer is growing) and that was long enough.
Monday around noon, we met with Dr. Bradford at the IPT Center. http://www.immunerecovery.net. We were really excited about this treatment. I won't try to explain it to you. I got the gist of it: build your immunity up to help with the chemo (they would only use about 10% of chemo prescribed) and then your immune system actually becomes another "treatment". Something else killing off the cells. There is more to it, but that is all I got for you. Unfortunately, we found some things out about the business side of it and are now weary of that particular clinic/doctor...
Last night, Jason and I talked. We decided to go back to see Volas-Redd. Be more frank with her. Let her know what I wanted to do.
We woke up this morning. Jason went to the office to demand to see the doctor. Go, Jason! I slept in. Our hope was that he would get an appointment to see Volas-Redd and discuss everything. I was going to go for a run and get some more supplies for my arsenal. I have not run since my diagnosis. It was time to see how my body was feeling after 2 weeks of crying, being scared, not sleeping, eating vegan and no sugar, and just feel alive. I was so ready for a run.
As I was putting on my running clothes, Jason called and said that she can see us as soon as I get there. So I went to the office in my running clothes because I would have time to go afterwards.
Dr. Volas-Redd was receptive. I was to the point and almost forceful that I needed a doctor that was less robotic and more comforting. Most importantly, I needed a doctor to agree with the holistic part of the arsenal.
The conversation went very well. She was much more comforting and patient in answering my questions and explaining things.
This is what she wants to do.
- Chemo (3 drugs: Herceptin, Taxol, and Perjeta) every week. Side effects will be minimal. Probably won't bat an eyelash. My hair will thin very slowly before falling out.
-Two shots to put my body in menopause to stop my body from producing hormones which is fueling the cancer. We would do the shots only once a month. Side effects are joint pain for about 2 weeks after the shot. I asked her if there was long term effects of that and she said no. She thinks since I am in excellent health (funny, huh?) and the joint pain will be minimal. She is worried that I am getting too lean though. They are also checking me for low iron since I am not eating meat.
-We will be taking out my ovaries. Just not sure when. Could be as early as 3 months from now or as late as 6 months from now. If we did that first, probably would take about a week to schedule the appointment. Then there is down time when I couldn't start surgery until my body healed from the surgery. I WAS not comfortable waiting that long to get some chemo in me.
-She has been looking for a trial for me this whole time. In fact, there was one trial I ALMOST qualified for but I had to be post menopausal. She said she would have yanked my ovaries if that was the only thing keeping me from it, but it closed 3 weeks ago. 1 week shy of my diagnosis!!
- We will do another PET scan in 3 months. (What is everyone's opinion on the safety/dangers of PET scans?) Then reassess. I like this because if we truly believe (and I do) that this diet is working, then we should see some great results and maybe, at that point, we could do less chemo, stop them altogether, or do other treatments.
-She is into holistic treatment and believes in it whole heartedly. She is a Lupus patient and says she is in less pain because of her diet.
There was more crying and fear and frustration, but I told her I wanted a day to digest and we would start chemo tomorrow (12/10/14). She said I can do what I want, but she would not be here tomorrow and she has to be. But she could finagle a way for one of her partners to administer it. I was good with that.
But other things we thought about: Tuesdays don't interfere with holidays. I had to do that one time - switch my schedule around for chemo and it is not fun. Also, on Tuesdays, the boys are in school. I know we have tons of friends who would glad play with them, but it is just smart.
So guess where I am?
To recap, we are still looking to see if we want to see another oncologist. We can switch at any time. But we are looking for a breast cancer oncologist. Not a general oncologist. My arsenal isn't set in stone. It is ever changing. We are taking things out of that backpack and putting other things in. I am strong. I can handle a heavy backpack.
We had our first meeting of Dawn's Treatment Board on Sunday. We invited over 5 people and my big sis. My little sis was on speaker phone from Memphis. My mother was on another speaker phone from Fort Lauderdale. We talked for over 2 hours. We explored all the options. We shared stories. We cried. We laughed. We prayed. It was really good.
Where was my head at on Sunday night? I felt we had done enough research for now and it was time to choose someone to start administering my chemo. All the doctors said that the protocol that Volas-Redd (current oncologist) prescribed was the way to go. So at this point, we just needed a doctor to order them and get them in my body.
I knew all along that we would do chemo. Maybe not all of what she prescribed, and maybe not those types, but some kind of chemo. In my mind, I still don't know how much I want to do, but I did know that I wanted to get some chemo in me. We had waited 2 weeks (and aren't sure how fast the cancer is growing) and that was long enough.
Monday around noon, we met with Dr. Bradford at the IPT Center. http://www.immunerecovery.net. We were really excited about this treatment. I won't try to explain it to you. I got the gist of it: build your immunity up to help with the chemo (they would only use about 10% of chemo prescribed) and then your immune system actually becomes another "treatment". Something else killing off the cells. There is more to it, but that is all I got for you. Unfortunately, we found some things out about the business side of it and are now weary of that particular clinic/doctor...
Last night, Jason and I talked. We decided to go back to see Volas-Redd. Be more frank with her. Let her know what I wanted to do.
We woke up this morning. Jason went to the office to demand to see the doctor. Go, Jason! I slept in. Our hope was that he would get an appointment to see Volas-Redd and discuss everything. I was going to go for a run and get some more supplies for my arsenal. I have not run since my diagnosis. It was time to see how my body was feeling after 2 weeks of crying, being scared, not sleeping, eating vegan and no sugar, and just feel alive. I was so ready for a run.
As I was putting on my running clothes, Jason called and said that she can see us as soon as I get there. So I went to the office in my running clothes because I would have time to go afterwards.
Dr. Volas-Redd was receptive. I was to the point and almost forceful that I needed a doctor that was less robotic and more comforting. Most importantly, I needed a doctor to agree with the holistic part of the arsenal.
The conversation went very well. She was much more comforting and patient in answering my questions and explaining things.
This is what she wants to do.
- Chemo (3 drugs: Herceptin, Taxol, and Perjeta) every week. Side effects will be minimal. Probably won't bat an eyelash. My hair will thin very slowly before falling out.
-Two shots to put my body in menopause to stop my body from producing hormones which is fueling the cancer. We would do the shots only once a month. Side effects are joint pain for about 2 weeks after the shot. I asked her if there was long term effects of that and she said no. She thinks since I am in excellent health (funny, huh?) and the joint pain will be minimal. She is worried that I am getting too lean though. They are also checking me for low iron since I am not eating meat.
-We will be taking out my ovaries. Just not sure when. Could be as early as 3 months from now or as late as 6 months from now. If we did that first, probably would take about a week to schedule the appointment. Then there is down time when I couldn't start surgery until my body healed from the surgery. I WAS not comfortable waiting that long to get some chemo in me.
-She has been looking for a trial for me this whole time. In fact, there was one trial I ALMOST qualified for but I had to be post menopausal. She said she would have yanked my ovaries if that was the only thing keeping me from it, but it closed 3 weeks ago. 1 week shy of my diagnosis!!
- We will do another PET scan in 3 months. (What is everyone's opinion on the safety/dangers of PET scans?) Then reassess. I like this because if we truly believe (and I do) that this diet is working, then we should see some great results and maybe, at that point, we could do less chemo, stop them altogether, or do other treatments.
-She is into holistic treatment and believes in it whole heartedly. She is a Lupus patient and says she is in less pain because of her diet.
There was more crying and fear and frustration, but I told her I wanted a day to digest and we would start chemo tomorrow (12/10/14). She said I can do what I want, but she would not be here tomorrow and she has to be. But she could finagle a way for one of her partners to administer it. I was good with that.
But other things we thought about: Tuesdays don't interfere with holidays. I had to do that one time - switch my schedule around for chemo and it is not fun. Also, on Tuesdays, the boys are in school. I know we have tons of friends who would glad play with them, but it is just smart.
So guess where I am?
 |
| I'd rather be running, but ready to do this! |
I know that God is at work here. I do not believe he has anything to do with cancer. But he is putting people in my path and having different options come to us via friends and family. You guys are his angles, and now mine. Thank you.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Grateful
Do you realize that each and everyone one of you is helping me kick cancer's a&$?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
MD Anderson
The alarm went off at 4:30 am. At the airport by 6:30. In Houston by 9 am.
We decided to register early for our appointment at 1:00. The lady registering us was not nice. She wasn't mean, but not nice. I thought MD was about hugs and hope. We should have known then and there we weren't going to get what we came for...
We found a quiet library to wait, eat my greens, check email, etc. Around 12:45, we checked in. We were told to wait in the waiting room. We waited for over 2.5 hours. Jason got more and more nervous as time ticked away.
We are walked to our room at 3:15 finally. Waited some more for Dr. Booser to come in and talk to us. He went over my history, did a physical exam, and went to consult with someone. I put my clothes back on and waited. He couldn't find a colleague so began his advice. I will summarize:
- He did validate my thoughts that the chemo didn't work. He said that the cancer we are seeing now has probably always been in my body. On one hand, it was nice to have my feelings validated, but on the other hand, it was scary to think about that.
- I will always have cancer in my body.
- We will hope to reduce it with drugs, keep it dormant, and hope it doesn't rear it's ugly head again.
- The protocol they are suggesting is Herceptin (which I did for a full year every three years), Taxol (closely related to Taxitere which I also took), and a new drug called Pertuzumab. He said that since I did Herceptin for a full year and we are seeing cancer, this may not work. It didn't work the first time. But combined with the new drug, Pertuzumab, it may have a different effect.
- There is always a chance the cancer would go away, but that doesn't happen often. Just those special cases. (Apparently he doesn't know who I am!)
- No clinical trials that I qualify for and he didn't think there ever would be??
- He agrees with the protocol my current doctor suggested. But listed all these side effects like numbness of fingers and toes, bone damage that would send me to a wheelchair permanently, and other damage to my body.
- He did suggest another option. Hormone Therapy. Keep in mind, I am not a medical person, I was exhausted, and our hopes had already been squashed at this point. I hope I am remembering what he said. Jason wrote it all down. Anyway, take out my ovaries and tubes. Since my cancer is fueled by hormones, eliminating what produces those, could help. I think this was done with some pills also.
- We brought up diet and holistic approaches. He pretty much laughed at us. I thought they were open to this so more frustration.
I know it is about finding the right doctor. I hope Booser isn't indicative of the entire hospital. I don't think so, but we don't have the time to keep going back there. Maybe that is our sign that MD isn't for us.
We finished at 5 and hoped to make our flight at 6:09. I really didn't think we would. We got to the airport at 5:35. But it is a small airport so we made it with about ten minutes to spare. But we were those people running through the airport yelling, "Excuse us, excuse us!"
I sat on the plane and sobbed. What a disappointing day. I was glad we made the flight because I just wanted my bed. We walked into our house at 10:30 and I was almost as low as I was when we found out the cancer had returned. I just wanted to sleep and start over again the next day.
I woke up today feeling better. I drank my water, ate more greens and quinoa, journaled, rested, played with my boys, and tried to refocus on the positive.
I want to post about what we are looking for in a doctor. I am tired and need to get to bed, but will write that as soon as I can. That is really our next important step. To find someone to help us navigate all of this. You guys have been so awesome. I know that I am going to get a plethora of names as soon as I post.
Jason is making my sewer drink. I must go drink and visualize. Love you all!!!
We decided to register early for our appointment at 1:00. The lady registering us was not nice. She wasn't mean, but not nice. I thought MD was about hugs and hope. We should have known then and there we weren't going to get what we came for...
We found a quiet library to wait, eat my greens, check email, etc. Around 12:45, we checked in. We were told to wait in the waiting room. We waited for over 2.5 hours. Jason got more and more nervous as time ticked away.
We are walked to our room at 3:15 finally. Waited some more for Dr. Booser to come in and talk to us. He went over my history, did a physical exam, and went to consult with someone. I put my clothes back on and waited. He couldn't find a colleague so began his advice. I will summarize:
- He did validate my thoughts that the chemo didn't work. He said that the cancer we are seeing now has probably always been in my body. On one hand, it was nice to have my feelings validated, but on the other hand, it was scary to think about that.
- I will always have cancer in my body.
- We will hope to reduce it with drugs, keep it dormant, and hope it doesn't rear it's ugly head again.
- The protocol they are suggesting is Herceptin (which I did for a full year every three years), Taxol (closely related to Taxitere which I also took), and a new drug called Pertuzumab. He said that since I did Herceptin for a full year and we are seeing cancer, this may not work. It didn't work the first time. But combined with the new drug, Pertuzumab, it may have a different effect.
- There is always a chance the cancer would go away, but that doesn't happen often. Just those special cases. (Apparently he doesn't know who I am!)
- No clinical trials that I qualify for and he didn't think there ever would be??
- He agrees with the protocol my current doctor suggested. But listed all these side effects like numbness of fingers and toes, bone damage that would send me to a wheelchair permanently, and other damage to my body.
- He did suggest another option. Hormone Therapy. Keep in mind, I am not a medical person, I was exhausted, and our hopes had already been squashed at this point. I hope I am remembering what he said. Jason wrote it all down. Anyway, take out my ovaries and tubes. Since my cancer is fueled by hormones, eliminating what produces those, could help. I think this was done with some pills also.
- We brought up diet and holistic approaches. He pretty much laughed at us. I thought they were open to this so more frustration.
I know it is about finding the right doctor. I hope Booser isn't indicative of the entire hospital. I don't think so, but we don't have the time to keep going back there. Maybe that is our sign that MD isn't for us.
We finished at 5 and hoped to make our flight at 6:09. I really didn't think we would. We got to the airport at 5:35. But it is a small airport so we made it with about ten minutes to spare. But we were those people running through the airport yelling, "Excuse us, excuse us!"
I sat on the plane and sobbed. What a disappointing day. I was glad we made the flight because I just wanted my bed. We walked into our house at 10:30 and I was almost as low as I was when we found out the cancer had returned. I just wanted to sleep and start over again the next day.
I woke up today feeling better. I drank my water, ate more greens and quinoa, journaled, rested, played with my boys, and tried to refocus on the positive.
I want to post about what we are looking for in a doctor. I am tired and need to get to bed, but will write that as soon as I can. That is really our next important step. To find someone to help us navigate all of this. You guys have been so awesome. I know that I am going to get a plethora of names as soon as I post.
Jason is making my sewer drink. I must go drink and visualize. Love you all!!!
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Results Are In
We got the results...........HER2 positive breast cancer.
Seems strange to be excited about breast cancer, but I am!
Seems strange to be excited about breast cancer, but I am!
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
More Updates
Here are some quick updates:
-Apparently we were confused. The surgeon who removed my tumor said we should hear something by Thursday. So when my oncologist set up an appointment for tomorrow at 10, we just assumed it was to go over the test results. Well, that is not the case. She had us make the appointment because she wants to give me 2 shots. She wants to give me medication before we have results???? I don't like that. I have decided to tell her no to the shots until we have all our information.
-We spoke with a new oncologist today at Piedmont. We left there feeling more informed. We also found out that they have a Wellness Center. It has been there for 9 years. It is free to anyone receiving chemo and up to 18 months out (I think I heard that right). It provides yoga, meditation classes, journaling classes, seat massages, couples support groups, chefs (who are cancer survivors) who teach classes on what to eat and how to prepare it, and various other services. For free. Why am I just hearing about this?
-We got some answers. Again, I am not a medical person and am still in a daze. But this new oncologist (who had a fellowship at MD Anderson), Dr. Miniberg, did clarify that the spots were small. Still cancer, but that calmed me a little. He also suggested we don't do the shots until we know more. He said that MD Anderson has trials all the time and we could eliminate ourselves from one or all if we have those particular drugs in me.
-We are heading to MD Anderson on Friday. We will go for the day and fly back home Friday night. We will be meeting with an oncologist there and trying to find more avenues to explore. We are nervous and excited at the same time. Our hope is that once we get all this information, we can sit down and come up with a plan.
I am going to go do my sewer drink now. Help me picture little Fraggle Rock men blasting this cancer away.
-Apparently we were confused. The surgeon who removed my tumor said we should hear something by Thursday. So when my oncologist set up an appointment for tomorrow at 10, we just assumed it was to go over the test results. Well, that is not the case. She had us make the appointment because she wants to give me 2 shots. She wants to give me medication before we have results???? I don't like that. I have decided to tell her no to the shots until we have all our information.
-We spoke with a new oncologist today at Piedmont. We left there feeling more informed. We also found out that they have a Wellness Center. It has been there for 9 years. It is free to anyone receiving chemo and up to 18 months out (I think I heard that right). It provides yoga, meditation classes, journaling classes, seat massages, couples support groups, chefs (who are cancer survivors) who teach classes on what to eat and how to prepare it, and various other services. For free. Why am I just hearing about this?
-We got some answers. Again, I am not a medical person and am still in a daze. But this new oncologist (who had a fellowship at MD Anderson), Dr. Miniberg, did clarify that the spots were small. Still cancer, but that calmed me a little. He also suggested we don't do the shots until we know more. He said that MD Anderson has trials all the time and we could eliminate ourselves from one or all if we have those particular drugs in me.
-We are heading to MD Anderson on Friday. We will go for the day and fly back home Friday night. We will be meeting with an oncologist there and trying to find more avenues to explore. We are nervous and excited at the same time. Our hope is that once we get all this information, we can sit down and come up with a plan.
I am going to go do my sewer drink now. Help me picture little Fraggle Rock men blasting this cancer away.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
My New Day
I don't even know how to thank everyone for the texts, emails, FB messages, and love we received today. I loved the thought of everyone visualizing my cancer leaving my body. Dr. Parikh said it was surprisingly easy to remove the WHOLE tumor. What do you think? I think it worked!!! Keep in mind, although this sounds good, there is a lot more cancer inside of me. Yes, we got some out, but this wasn't any new news. That comes on Thursday at 10 when we go back to my oncologist to hear the results.
As I have said, this week (has it really been a week already??) we have been researching and learning and researching some more. I will try to be short and sweet and to the point.
MY DIET:
On Wednesday, my sister came over with hope. She had been to see an oncology nutritionalist. She believes she can cure me in 4 to 6 months WITHOUT chemo. (More on that later.) I immediately started a zero, zilch sugar diet. (Cancer feeds on sugar) Only lean meats, green veggies, and quinoa. I did that until Friday when Jason and myself went back with my sister to see Karen, the nutritionalist. We decided to really be aggressive. So no more meats. So since Friday, I have eaten quinoa (which has been a treat for me because in the last year I have hardly had grains due to the Paleo Diet I was following), greens veggies, amino acids, garlic, spices, and Kangen water. That is it. Nothing else. And I am okay with that.
We also added to our arsenal/back pack (which I have been calling it) these lovely supplements. We have added colloidal water and wheat grass since I took this picture.
The alkalizer & detoxifier is my favorite (she says sarcastically).
We have lovingly nicknamed it Sewer Water.
I have to do it three times a day. It is nasty! When I drank it at first (once I stopped gagging), I was chanting, "Kill the cancer cells, kill the cancer cells." I have also enlisted the help of my family. The boys will count down for me and then I feel like I have to drink it. After we started visualizing, I started visualizing this drink going down to my stomach and then blasting up like fireworks and chipping away at the cancer.
This diet is going to make it difficult for people to bring us food. My sister suggested maybe having people bring food for the boys. But after all the research we have done, not sure what we are going to be comfortable putting in their bodies. Not as strict as me, of course, but definitely not what we have been doing.
Here comes the hard part. Being frank and asking what I need. Not easy for me....
Okay. Onto my new schedule. We have decided to create a day that includes resting for 2 to 3 hours. Now as mothers, we are probably like "Hells Yay!" But think about that realistically. 3 hours without your children. 3 hours without electronics. 3 hours of alone time. 3 hours with only Dawn as company. I didn't think I could do it. I argued with Manana (explanation below). I just didn't know how I could do this. I had too much too do. But then it hit me. I need to survive. I need to be alive for my 3 boys. I need to rest so I can be here. I need to learn this now before it is too late. I am not too busy for that.
Yesterday, I didn't do it. I did go up in my room, but used the time to organize all the information we had received. But then actually took a 45 minute nap. Today? 3 hours in my room following the rules. I had soothing music on. The windows were open. I had hot tea. And I journaled. I am supposed to add meditation, fresh flowers, and White Seven Day Candles. But I think I am off to a good start.
This is getting long so let me stop there. I will just tell you the schedule we have come up with and where my needs are right now. Then I will post more specifically and tell you why we are doing it. It is actually very cool. And I hope help others to think about adopting some of these practices into their lives.
We Skyped with Manana from Belize. She is another person who believes in naturally healing and curing of cancer without chemo. You can read about her at http://mananashealinghouse.blogspot.com. She agrees whole heartily with my diet. She is the one who told us we need to create a schedule that includes meditation, yoga, 10-15 minutes of Vitamin D exposure from the sun, journaling, visualizing, exercise, Dawn's Rest Time, and general positive thoughts.
So this is what we came up with....
Getting boys to school (M, T, Th) and using that time (9 - 12) to get things done, BUT without taxing myself. Pick boys up at 12. Go out back and get sunshine, play with boys, laugh, get love from them, eat lunch.
Put Charlie down by 1:30. And then my rest time begins at 2 and should go until 5. (This is where I will need help because Jack does not nap anymore.)
5 to 8 is family time. Dance party, laughing, game playing, wrestling, dinner, eating, baths, reading to the boys, and bed.
8 to 10 is Jason and Dawn time. And I HAVE to be in bed by 10.
And this is where I am going to reach out for help. Will need help from 2 to 5 to play with Jack. I feel so guilty in asking. "Hey, come watch my boys while I relax and eat bon bons." But that is exactly what I am learning - it is about perspective. I am not relaxing and being lazy. I am healing my body. I am fighting this cancer by being as strong, mentally and physically, as I can.
While writing this, I have had 16 ounces of Kangen water, quinoa with garlic and kale, and asparagus with onions and garlic. And while I was writing this, I am still receiving texts, emails, and FB messages of love. I am sure that Manana would approve.
As I have said, this week (has it really been a week already??) we have been researching and learning and researching some more. I will try to be short and sweet and to the point.
MY DIET:
On Wednesday, my sister came over with hope. She had been to see an oncology nutritionalist. She believes she can cure me in 4 to 6 months WITHOUT chemo. (More on that later.) I immediately started a zero, zilch sugar diet. (Cancer feeds on sugar) Only lean meats, green veggies, and quinoa. I did that until Friday when Jason and myself went back with my sister to see Karen, the nutritionalist. We decided to really be aggressive. So no more meats. So since Friday, I have eaten quinoa (which has been a treat for me because in the last year I have hardly had grains due to the Paleo Diet I was following), greens veggies, amino acids, garlic, spices, and Kangen water. That is it. Nothing else. And I am okay with that.
We also added to our arsenal/back pack (which I have been calling it) these lovely supplements. We have added colloidal water and wheat grass since I took this picture.
We have lovingly nicknamed it Sewer Water.
I have to do it three times a day. It is nasty! When I drank it at first (once I stopped gagging), I was chanting, "Kill the cancer cells, kill the cancer cells." I have also enlisted the help of my family. The boys will count down for me and then I feel like I have to drink it. After we started visualizing, I started visualizing this drink going down to my stomach and then blasting up like fireworks and chipping away at the cancer.
This diet is going to make it difficult for people to bring us food. My sister suggested maybe having people bring food for the boys. But after all the research we have done, not sure what we are going to be comfortable putting in their bodies. Not as strict as me, of course, but definitely not what we have been doing.
Here comes the hard part. Being frank and asking what I need. Not easy for me....
We are being VERY EXTREME. But that is my situation. So nothing foreign in my body. So trying to use only glassware. I have to use a tablespoon twice a day to measure out my supplements. I thought it would be fun to have a glass full of tablespoons from friends with a funny saying or a word of encouragement or just a funny design on the handle. But they would have to be glass. Does anyone know if such a thing exists? I also have to do 4 tablespoons of the mineral water. A small glass that equals 4 tablespoons that you could put a saying on? Thinking outside of the box, friends.
Okay. Onto my new schedule. We have decided to create a day that includes resting for 2 to 3 hours. Now as mothers, we are probably like "Hells Yay!" But think about that realistically. 3 hours without your children. 3 hours without electronics. 3 hours of alone time. 3 hours with only Dawn as company. I didn't think I could do it. I argued with Manana (explanation below). I just didn't know how I could do this. I had too much too do. But then it hit me. I need to survive. I need to be alive for my 3 boys. I need to rest so I can be here. I need to learn this now before it is too late. I am not too busy for that.
Yesterday, I didn't do it. I did go up in my room, but used the time to organize all the information we had received. But then actually took a 45 minute nap. Today? 3 hours in my room following the rules. I had soothing music on. The windows were open. I had hot tea. And I journaled. I am supposed to add meditation, fresh flowers, and White Seven Day Candles. But I think I am off to a good start.
This is getting long so let me stop there. I will just tell you the schedule we have come up with and where my needs are right now. Then I will post more specifically and tell you why we are doing it. It is actually very cool. And I hope help others to think about adopting some of these practices into their lives.
We Skyped with Manana from Belize. She is another person who believes in naturally healing and curing of cancer without chemo. You can read about her at http://mananashealinghouse.blogspot.com. She agrees whole heartily with my diet. She is the one who told us we need to create a schedule that includes meditation, yoga, 10-15 minutes of Vitamin D exposure from the sun, journaling, visualizing, exercise, Dawn's Rest Time, and general positive thoughts.
So this is what we came up with....
Getting boys to school (M, T, Th) and using that time (9 - 12) to get things done, BUT without taxing myself. Pick boys up at 12. Go out back and get sunshine, play with boys, laugh, get love from them, eat lunch.
Put Charlie down by 1:30. And then my rest time begins at 2 and should go until 5. (This is where I will need help because Jack does not nap anymore.)
5 to 8 is family time. Dance party, laughing, game playing, wrestling, dinner, eating, baths, reading to the boys, and bed.
8 to 10 is Jason and Dawn time. And I HAVE to be in bed by 10.
And this is where I am going to reach out for help. Will need help from 2 to 5 to play with Jack. I feel so guilty in asking. "Hey, come watch my boys while I relax and eat bon bons." But that is exactly what I am learning - it is about perspective. I am not relaxing and being lazy. I am healing my body. I am fighting this cancer by being as strong, mentally and physically, as I can.
While writing this, I have had 16 ounces of Kangen water, quinoa with garlic and kale, and asparagus with onions and garlic. And while I was writing this, I am still receiving texts, emails, and FB messages of love. I am sure that Manana would approve.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Update
I have finally gotten a few minutes to update everyone.
First of all, thank you again for all the texts, emails, cards, FB messages/posts, and prayers. Once again, we are overwhelmed by our friends and know we are loved.
As my last post said, it is cancer. It is in my hip, in my lung, and in my chest. It isn't good.
Stage 4 and metastasized were said. I don't know how I didn't faint. Thankfully my nurse came in and explained what those words truly mean. Stage 4 is scary!!! She explained that any time cancer returns, it is stage 4. Still scary, but not as much. Metastasized is scary too. But fundamentally it just means it has spread. Information we already knew without those scary words.
The plan is to do 6 months of chemo EVERY week. Reassess after 6 months and go from there.
My oncologist mentioned being on chemo the rest of my life. This just isn't good.
That was where we were at on Tuesday. I have cried. I have screamed. I have cursed. I have cried some more. These last few days have been a whirlwind.
On Wednesday morning, my port was put back in. Might be just as mad about that.
I have asked friends to do research. But only if this is your thing! Don't be sending me random research. :-) We are collecting information. I need concrete information. Concrete success stories. Other options.
I am going to throw out some of our (mine and my family/friends) thoughts. Because maybe it will trigger something with someone. And that is what we need. To think outside the box.
Chemo didn't work. You can argue and say, "But you were cancer free." Well, this was my first PET scan. How do we know the cancer wasn't there before? I asked my oncologist about 6 months after I started treatment when my scan would be. She asked, "What scan?" The one that everyone gets and posts on Facebook saying their scan was clean. Another year cancer free! She said that the day we took out the tumor and it hadn't spread was the day I was deemed cancer free. There was no indication it would return so no scans. BUT HOW DO WE KNOW THE CHEMO WORKED??
We will more than likely do some chemo, but honestly feel that we need to be doing more. We need to think outside of the box. We need doctors who think outside of the box.
We are in the process of hopefully (cross your fingers) getting into see someone at MD Anderson. It is time to be as aggressive as this damn cancer. It is time to do more than just assume what my doctor says is the way to go or the ONLY way to go.
My sister came on Wednesday with hope. (A post to follow soon). I am on a strict diet. It is like Paleo on steroids. I will write more on that later, but I know making a meal is what comes to mind when you get news like this. Please don't send any food at this point. We are researching the best things to put in my body right now.
We were not given good news on Tuesday. But today is Sunday and I have some hope. It is small, but it is there. This is not good, but I am hoping one day VERY SOON, it will be good.
First of all, thank you again for all the texts, emails, cards, FB messages/posts, and prayers. Once again, we are overwhelmed by our friends and know we are loved.
As my last post said, it is cancer. It is in my hip, in my lung, and in my chest. It isn't good.
Stage 4 and metastasized were said. I don't know how I didn't faint. Thankfully my nurse came in and explained what those words truly mean. Stage 4 is scary!!! She explained that any time cancer returns, it is stage 4. Still scary, but not as much. Metastasized is scary too. But fundamentally it just means it has spread. Information we already knew without those scary words.
The plan is to do 6 months of chemo EVERY week. Reassess after 6 months and go from there.
My oncologist mentioned being on chemo the rest of my life. This just isn't good.
That was where we were at on Tuesday. I have cried. I have screamed. I have cursed. I have cried some more. These last few days have been a whirlwind.
On Wednesday morning, my port was put back in. Might be just as mad about that.
I have asked friends to do research. But only if this is your thing! Don't be sending me random research. :-) We are collecting information. I need concrete information. Concrete success stories. Other options.
I am going to throw out some of our (mine and my family/friends) thoughts. Because maybe it will trigger something with someone. And that is what we need. To think outside the box.
Chemo didn't work. You can argue and say, "But you were cancer free." Well, this was my first PET scan. How do we know the cancer wasn't there before? I asked my oncologist about 6 months after I started treatment when my scan would be. She asked, "What scan?" The one that everyone gets and posts on Facebook saying their scan was clean. Another year cancer free! She said that the day we took out the tumor and it hadn't spread was the day I was deemed cancer free. There was no indication it would return so no scans. BUT HOW DO WE KNOW THE CHEMO WORKED??
We will more than likely do some chemo, but honestly feel that we need to be doing more. We need to think outside of the box. We need doctors who think outside of the box.
We are in the process of hopefully (cross your fingers) getting into see someone at MD Anderson. It is time to be as aggressive as this damn cancer. It is time to do more than just assume what my doctor says is the way to go or the ONLY way to go.
My sister came on Wednesday with hope. (A post to follow soon). I am on a strict diet. It is like Paleo on steroids. I will write more on that later, but I know making a meal is what comes to mind when you get news like this. Please don't send any food at this point. We are researching the best things to put in my body right now.
We were not given good news on Tuesday. But today is Sunday and I have some hope. It is small, but it is there. This is not good, but I am hoping one day VERY SOON, it will be good.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Subscribe To Our Mailing List
When I created this blog, I had no idea what I was doing. I wanted to be cool and have a place where people can follow me and receive my posts via email. I was so proud of myself when I thought I had figured it. But I don't think I did it correctly. Over on the right it says, "Subscribe to our mailing list". What mailing list and who is this "we" it is talking about??
It does what I want it to do which means it sends anyone who filled it out an email whenever I post. But I think it confuses people because I somehow picked the wrong thing to embed. (I think that is the right term. But haven't learned much since starting this blog!) :-)
It does what I want it to do which means it sends anyone who filled it out an email whenever I post. But I think it confuses people because I somehow picked the wrong thing to embed. (I think that is the right term. But haven't learned much since starting this blog!) :-)
Why am I bringing this up? I have a friend who didn't know what was going on. In my fog, I assumed if I posted and put it on Facebook, I could fill everyone in quickly. Poor thing. She showed up at my house and had no idea what was going on. I was crying. People were offering their help and advice. And she just said, "I have no idea what is going on, but I am here for you."
So....if you want to follow this new journey that I am on, please sign up to for "our mailing list". That just means that when I post, you will get that post in an email. I have had so many friends and family ask to be updated. This is going to be the easiest and quickest way to do that. Plus, it helps me to write it down and document everything.
Come along for the ride. It should be interesting....
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
6 Long Days
I have run through all the scenerios of my worst fear - cancer coming back. I have been in bed not able to sleep and I have run them all. Finding another lump. Having bone pain that lasts too long. Feeling sick. All of them. I thought I would be ready..
I went to a new gynecologist yesterday. After going over my medical history and proclaiming "what a couple years you had" and "glad you are doing so well", she started my exam. She listened to my heart. Heart sounds great. She listen to my lungs. Even with bronchitis, lungs sound good. Then she put her hands around my neck and said, "Oh, no." What?? "You have a swollen lymph node. This isn't good." And the world starts spinning. She mentioned cancer and I am not sure if I truly heard her next words. She finished the exam and told me to meet her in her office. She was going to call my oncologist and get me in ASAP. Here come the tears....
I meet her in the office and she is on hold. I ask her, "If I didn't have cancer in my history, what would you be thinking?" She looked me right in the eye and said cancer. I think I am going to be sick.
It is 11:00. She gets me in at 3:00. I go home and start cleaning. Because that is what I do. I have to be able to control something because my day has suddenly spun out of control. I pick up the boys and try not to squeeze them because that will just make me cry even more. We eat lunch. We play. We laugh. I forget for seconds at a time. My mother in law comes at 2:30.
I have not told Jason at this point. We had a honest conversation about the scares that are part of my life now. He said he didn't want to know until he had to know. Even when a scare turns out to be nothing, he still doesn't want to know. I was clinging onto the fact that I have bronchitis and that is why my lymph node is swollen. My oncologist was going to tell me that is what is was and we would move on.
Unfortunately, that did not happen. I wish I could write down our conversation, but I remember bits and pieces. It was not from bronchitis. It is a mass. It is hard. She didn't like it. What are the chances it is cancer? 50/50, but it is hard. I told her I was grasping for some reassurance and said, "I am sorry. I am not going to sugar coat this for you." The small bit of hope I had vanishes. And here comes the ugly cry. My favorite nurse comes and I thought, "Here comes my reassurance." She hugged me and said she was sorry.
I check out and get scheduled for a biopsy and a PET scan. I go outside and call Jason. That wasn't fun. He meets me at the house and we sit in the driveway. I am crying and he is shaking. This sucks.
We go in the house and try to act normal for the boys. Thankfully, they are a wonderful distraction. My sister walked through the door unannounced, but very much appreciated. We did baths and dinner and played. We had a fun night considering. We tried to sleep, but were up a lot.
I had my biopsy today at 1:30. I had an ultrasound first. The doctor said it is not a lymph node. It is a mass. Ugh. Good news is that it isn't attached to anything. I asked him if he thought it was cancer. Still grasping for something to hold onto here. He said he couldn't tell. And I think he was being honest. He said whether it is cancer or not, it has to come out. That is scheduled for Dec. 5.
We did the biopsy (that hurt!) and now we wait. I have my PET scan on Monday at 2:00. I have an appointment on Tuesday with my oncologist at 8:45 am to go over all the results and come up with a plan.
I am not being all gloom and doom, but this scare is different. You could feel the fear in that room yesterday. With all my other scares, it was, "We are just being cautious. We are almost positive it is nothing." I haven't gotten that this time. Nothing even close.
I asked my oncologist what is the worst case scenerio? It is breast cancer. We take it out. We do radiation. We put you on another pill. I think that is what she said. But it being breast cancer is the best worst case scenerio, right? Because it could be another type of cancer. And that REALLY scares me.
I am not afraid/worried about treatment. Chemo sucks, but I can do it. Losing my hair sucks, but if I am alive, I will take it. What does worry me is having cancer twice. That is never good. I don't really have a gut feeling, but I am assuming it is cancer at this point. The waiting stinks. I just want to know what it is and what the plan is so we can start.
I have told a few friends and appreciate their words (and swearing). I am just as mad. They are already asking what they can do. Just pray. I am always torn between praying that this is not cancer and, (if it is), praying that we can get all the cancer out and move on. The wonderful nurse today said to only say positive things. Don't give the negative a place to grow. I like that a lot, but I feel like praying that it is not cancer is not realistic.
But oh what a day Tuesday will be if we find out it isn't....
I went to a new gynecologist yesterday. After going over my medical history and proclaiming "what a couple years you had" and "glad you are doing so well", she started my exam. She listened to my heart. Heart sounds great. She listen to my lungs. Even with bronchitis, lungs sound good. Then she put her hands around my neck and said, "Oh, no." What?? "You have a swollen lymph node. This isn't good." And the world starts spinning. She mentioned cancer and I am not sure if I truly heard her next words. She finished the exam and told me to meet her in her office. She was going to call my oncologist and get me in ASAP. Here come the tears....
I meet her in the office and she is on hold. I ask her, "If I didn't have cancer in my history, what would you be thinking?" She looked me right in the eye and said cancer. I think I am going to be sick.
It is 11:00. She gets me in at 3:00. I go home and start cleaning. Because that is what I do. I have to be able to control something because my day has suddenly spun out of control. I pick up the boys and try not to squeeze them because that will just make me cry even more. We eat lunch. We play. We laugh. I forget for seconds at a time. My mother in law comes at 2:30.
I have not told Jason at this point. We had a honest conversation about the scares that are part of my life now. He said he didn't want to know until he had to know. Even when a scare turns out to be nothing, he still doesn't want to know. I was clinging onto the fact that I have bronchitis and that is why my lymph node is swollen. My oncologist was going to tell me that is what is was and we would move on.
Unfortunately, that did not happen. I wish I could write down our conversation, but I remember bits and pieces. It was not from bronchitis. It is a mass. It is hard. She didn't like it. What are the chances it is cancer? 50/50, but it is hard. I told her I was grasping for some reassurance and said, "I am sorry. I am not going to sugar coat this for you." The small bit of hope I had vanishes. And here comes the ugly cry. My favorite nurse comes and I thought, "Here comes my reassurance." She hugged me and said she was sorry.
I check out and get scheduled for a biopsy and a PET scan. I go outside and call Jason. That wasn't fun. He meets me at the house and we sit in the driveway. I am crying and he is shaking. This sucks.
We go in the house and try to act normal for the boys. Thankfully, they are a wonderful distraction. My sister walked through the door unannounced, but very much appreciated. We did baths and dinner and played. We had a fun night considering. We tried to sleep, but were up a lot.
I had my biopsy today at 1:30. I had an ultrasound first. The doctor said it is not a lymph node. It is a mass. Ugh. Good news is that it isn't attached to anything. I asked him if he thought it was cancer. Still grasping for something to hold onto here. He said he couldn't tell. And I think he was being honest. He said whether it is cancer or not, it has to come out. That is scheduled for Dec. 5.
We did the biopsy (that hurt!) and now we wait. I have my PET scan on Monday at 2:00. I have an appointment on Tuesday with my oncologist at 8:45 am to go over all the results and come up with a plan.
I am not being all gloom and doom, but this scare is different. You could feel the fear in that room yesterday. With all my other scares, it was, "We are just being cautious. We are almost positive it is nothing." I haven't gotten that this time. Nothing even close.
I asked my oncologist what is the worst case scenerio? It is breast cancer. We take it out. We do radiation. We put you on another pill. I think that is what she said. But it being breast cancer is the best worst case scenerio, right? Because it could be another type of cancer. And that REALLY scares me.
I am not afraid/worried about treatment. Chemo sucks, but I can do it. Losing my hair sucks, but if I am alive, I will take it. What does worry me is having cancer twice. That is never good. I don't really have a gut feeling, but I am assuming it is cancer at this point. The waiting stinks. I just want to know what it is and what the plan is so we can start.
I have told a few friends and appreciate their words (and swearing). I am just as mad. They are already asking what they can do. Just pray. I am always torn between praying that this is not cancer and, (if it is), praying that we can get all the cancer out and move on. The wonderful nurse today said to only say positive things. Don't give the negative a place to grow. I like that a lot, but I feel like praying that it is not cancer is not realistic.
But oh what a day Tuesday will be if we find out it isn't....
Monday, November 10, 2014
Isn't It Ironic?
12 weeks of training. 12 weeks of getting up early to get my miles in before the boys woke up. 12 weeks of getting excited about running this race. And I wasn’t able to run it…
I ran my first half marathon in 2007. I ran it for two reasons. The younger brother of one of my student’s was diagnosed with leukemia when he was 1. His mother started training with Team in Training and I thought that was awesome. Then one of my best friends was killed in a car accident. I was having a hard time with that loss and someone suggested I do something for closure. So I signed up to run a half marathon.
 |
| Enjoying a bagel after a long run down by the river. |
Running really wasn’t my thing. I had tried several times to “become” a runner, but it wasn’t happening. Now I had two reasons to push myself. When I didn’t think I could run anymore, I thought about that sweet little boy going through treatments. I could do this for him. I thought about my friend, who was training for a marathon when he was killed, who didn’t cross the finish line. These two helped me push past my comfort zone. The training was tough on my knees and I said that it was going to be my last marathon.
Then came cancer. And I decided I needed to run another one and dubbed it my f^%$ cancer race. I had two friends who said they were going to train with me and cross that finish line with me. I often cried thinking about these amazing girls and what they were doing for me.
So we started training. I felt surprisingly strong. In 2007, I had to put frozen pees on my knees after my long runs. I walked like an old woman for a couple days after those long runs. This time? Not one pack of frozen pees was needed. This time when I ran, I thought about the fact that I was alive and healthy. I thought about how horrible I felt going through chemo and how unbelievably tired I was all the time. I thought about missing out on my baby’s tiny moments because I was in the bathroom for hours. It felt so good to be outside and pushing my body. A body that was finally feeling normal and STRONG.
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| Same river 7 years later! |
The week before the race, I was so excited. And emotional. I pictured crossing that finish line with my girlfriends. I pictured my family waiting for me. I pictured how I would feel finishing this race. I pictured myself bawling like a baby. The only part that I was right about were the tears. I cried on Saturday, but because I was too sick to run the race.
Wednesday before the race I had an annoying cough. But it was just a cough. I could handle running with a cough. Then Thursday came and I had the aches and chills and swimmy head. Friday we drove to Savannah and I was eating vitamin C like it was candy. That night, I put my timing chip on my shoe, laid out my race clothes, and went to bed praying I would feel better. I woke up several times with chills and coughing fits. At one point, I woke up and my eye was sealed shut. I think that is when I realized I was not going to run.
The first marathon was for my two friends and to say that I could do it. This one was because I wasn’t sick anymore and was feeling so alive. Pretty ironic that I was too sick to run it. But I think that is why I didn’t feel horribly guilty for not running. I felt guilty, but knew I had made the right decision. Even if I had somehow managed to run 13.1 miles, it wouldn’t have been pretty. It would have been awful. And that wasn’t the point of me doing this race. I wanted to run it because I felt so good.
I have signed up for another half on Dec. 14. It is here in Atlanta. I am going to rest and hit the ground running (pun intended) on Sunday.
4 weeks of training. 4 weeks of getting up at 5 to get my miles in before the boys wake up. 4 weeks of getting excited about running this race. But this time, I am going to run it.
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| My wonderful, supportive friends. |
Monday, September 8, 2014
Nine
Today was the last day I could claim chemo brain. Studies have shown that chemo will stay in your body for a year. Tomorrow, Sept. 9, will be 1 year since my last treatment. I was very conscience of my memory today. On a walk with a friend this morning, I did start a conversation and forgot where I was going with it. But, I know I have done that all my life. Since starting chemo, my memory has been pretty bad. Add new-mommy brain, and I was a mess. I got to the point where I wouldn't even try to pull up a name or title or whatever I had forgotten. But slowly over the last year, I have noticed that I am not staring off into space as much desperately hoping whatever it was I was trying to remember would come back.
I thought it was cool that my last treatment was on 9/9. When I was 9, I decided my favorite number would be 9. Whenever I could, I chose that number for my jersey while playing sports. I love 9.
I still haven't googled breast cancer or anything that goes along with it. But one thing I did try to find was what breast cancer looks like 6 months after treatments or 1 year after treatments. I know that years down the road things would be good, but knew that was a long road. So I searched for a blog or article telling me the truth. What would it be like?
In honor of the number 9, I will tell you what breast cancer (to me) looks like 1 year out of treatment with the first 9 things that come to mind.
1) My hair is crazy curly and still not a style that I would have ever chosen voluntarily. I have gotten used to it, but it is still strange EVERY time I look at myself. It is a constant reminder that I was sick and could get sick again.
2) But with #1 having been said, I don't think about cancer every day. And I did. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It constantly made me feel like I was going to throw up. I am happy to say that doesn't happen as often now.
3) Some chemo patients lose their toenails and fingernails. I did not, but my once extremely strong nails are now brittle and flake and break all the time. I wasn't even able to peel a price tag off of an item. It has gotten a lot better, but they are still brittle. I keep them short. I always had long nails. Just another reminder that I was sick.
4) I have gotten numerous calls since being diagnosed about someone else who has been diagnosed. At first, it bothered me. I did not want to be a cancer "expert". But the last time I was called, I was happy to talk and share my experiences. I am happy that I am alive to receive such calls. This will be part of my life from now on and I am okay with that.
5) Just the other day, I found myself laughing hysterically. I can't remember why, but I do remember realizing that I have started to laugh hysterically again.
6) I have started thinking about watching my boys walk to their kindergarten class. Before? I had letters written in my head that their dad would give them because I wasn't going to be around see it myself. This is probably one of the best things that a year has given me.
7) I am still going to tons of doctor's appointments, but I have accepted this new way of life. BUT, I went to a new doctor last week and when she asked me what kind of breast cancer I had, I wasn't able to tell her right away. There was a time when I could tell you all the dates, the surgeries, and the names of everything. Even though I was kind of embarrassed as she looked at me like I was crazy for not knowing, I was glad it wasn't second nature. I am moving on.
8) I am still trying to figure out who the new me is, but it isn't clouded by negative thoughts and fear and sadness. Now it is me realizing that I am strong and can do this. Now it is me realizing what is important and what is not. My friend said something during our walk that I loved. We have all these balls in the air (I have heard that part before) as moms. She has realized that as long as she doesn't drop her boys, she has had a great day. Isn't that great?!? It is so simple. Think about what is REALLY important. For me it is family, friends, and God. My OCD screams at me that the dishes are important and cleaning up that messy closet is important. The new I-kicked-cancer's-a%^-Dawn wins this argument. You will find me on the floor with the boys instead of doing dishes and I am finally okay with that.
9) This is going to sound very sappy, but a year after treatment I know that I am loved. I think about all the calls, texts, cards, emails, meals, prayers, help with my boys, and friendships that have gotten stronger through this. And I am a lucky girl. Truly lucky.
After a year, there are still some lingering bad effects, but there are definitely more good effects. I will always be a cancer patient. I don't think I realized that. But when I am 95 and am still a cancer patient, I will proudly yell it to the world.
When I wake up tomorrow, I won't be able to claim chemo brain. I won't be able to blame my memory lapses on cancer. I can now blame it on the fact that I am alive and am filling my days with friends and family and tent making and running around the house acting like planes and kisses and hugs. That is what is consuming my mind lately. I will apologize ahead of time if I can't answer your questions. I am busy living this life that wasn't taken away from me.
I thought it was cool that my last treatment was on 9/9. When I was 9, I decided my favorite number would be 9. Whenever I could, I chose that number for my jersey while playing sports. I love 9.
I still haven't googled breast cancer or anything that goes along with it. But one thing I did try to find was what breast cancer looks like 6 months after treatments or 1 year after treatments. I know that years down the road things would be good, but knew that was a long road. So I searched for a blog or article telling me the truth. What would it be like?
In honor of the number 9, I will tell you what breast cancer (to me) looks like 1 year out of treatment with the first 9 things that come to mind.
1) My hair is crazy curly and still not a style that I would have ever chosen voluntarily. I have gotten used to it, but it is still strange EVERY time I look at myself. It is a constant reminder that I was sick and could get sick again.
2) But with #1 having been said, I don't think about cancer every day. And I did. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It constantly made me feel like I was going to throw up. I am happy to say that doesn't happen as often now.
3) Some chemo patients lose their toenails and fingernails. I did not, but my once extremely strong nails are now brittle and flake and break all the time. I wasn't even able to peel a price tag off of an item. It has gotten a lot better, but they are still brittle. I keep them short. I always had long nails. Just another reminder that I was sick.
4) I have gotten numerous calls since being diagnosed about someone else who has been diagnosed. At first, it bothered me. I did not want to be a cancer "expert". But the last time I was called, I was happy to talk and share my experiences. I am happy that I am alive to receive such calls. This will be part of my life from now on and I am okay with that.
5) Just the other day, I found myself laughing hysterically. I can't remember why, but I do remember realizing that I have started to laugh hysterically again.
6) I have started thinking about watching my boys walk to their kindergarten class. Before? I had letters written in my head that their dad would give them because I wasn't going to be around see it myself. This is probably one of the best things that a year has given me.
7) I am still going to tons of doctor's appointments, but I have accepted this new way of life. BUT, I went to a new doctor last week and when she asked me what kind of breast cancer I had, I wasn't able to tell her right away. There was a time when I could tell you all the dates, the surgeries, and the names of everything. Even though I was kind of embarrassed as she looked at me like I was crazy for not knowing, I was glad it wasn't second nature. I am moving on.
8) I am still trying to figure out who the new me is, but it isn't clouded by negative thoughts and fear and sadness. Now it is me realizing that I am strong and can do this. Now it is me realizing what is important and what is not. My friend said something during our walk that I loved. We have all these balls in the air (I have heard that part before) as moms. She has realized that as long as she doesn't drop her boys, she has had a great day. Isn't that great?!? It is so simple. Think about what is REALLY important. For me it is family, friends, and God. My OCD screams at me that the dishes are important and cleaning up that messy closet is important. The new I-kicked-cancer's-a%^-Dawn wins this argument. You will find me on the floor with the boys instead of doing dishes and I am finally okay with that.
9) This is going to sound very sappy, but a year after treatment I know that I am loved. I think about all the calls, texts, cards, emails, meals, prayers, help with my boys, and friendships that have gotten stronger through this. And I am a lucky girl. Truly lucky.
After a year, there are still some lingering bad effects, but there are definitely more good effects. I will always be a cancer patient. I don't think I realized that. But when I am 95 and am still a cancer patient, I will proudly yell it to the world.
When I wake up tomorrow, I won't be able to claim chemo brain. I won't be able to blame my memory lapses on cancer. I can now blame it on the fact that I am alive and am filling my days with friends and family and tent making and running around the house acting like planes and kisses and hugs. That is what is consuming my mind lately. I will apologize ahead of time if I can't answer your questions. I am busy living this life that wasn't taken away from me.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Metal and Candy
For the past year and a half, we have been diligently going on a date once a month. We decided that we would take turns planning the evening. The catch - the person planning the evening does what he or she wants. No stress worrying about what the other person would consider fun. I am loving it because, before this agreement, I would have planned things I know Jason would find fun and relaxing. Now I drive him crazy with the things I have planned. And we might discover something about the other person we didn't know. I have discovered that we really are opposites...
He usually plans a great dinner at a wonderful restaurant where I get to dress up. Me? Some crazy activity. The first date I planned involved tennis and a casual dinner all sweaty. I think this made my husband (who would have preferred to go home and shower first) uncomfortable, but he went along with it (and hopefully enjoyed it).
This past Saturday it was my turn to plan and it happened to be our 6th anniversary. According to my Google search, the tradition gift was metal and the non tradition was candy. Hmmmm. A metal bowl full of candy? Too boring for me. I planted the seed in my brain and let it festered.
A couple days later I started searching for jewelry classes. Right? We could make some metal bracelets or necklaces. Not many classes are held in the evening. I found this strange website that listed teachers/tutors of all things. Each person listed what they could teach. It was crazy. Most had 30 or 40 things that ranged from science and math to croqueting. And you went to their house. Scary. Not quite there yet...
I called Beads by Design. They are located by the Big Chicken. I told her it was our anniversary, that it was a metal anniversary, and was looking for a jewelry class. She said that she did at 11 am. This is proving difficult.
I hung up the phone and started searching for more establishments and the phone rang. It was Gerry from Beads by Design calling to say that she has a class where she teaches how to make a sterling silver ring. What?!? It was perfect.
We showed up at 4 and got to work. We pounded, soldered, hammered in letters, and got an education on the whole process. Gerry was awesome, very informative, and patient. I couldn't operate the solder tool at first. And if you know anything about them, you have to turn it off if it doesn't light correctly because gas is being poured into the room. So I turned it on and off about 5 times before I got it to light the right way. I pounded something in the inside of my ring. Jason pounded July 19, 2008 in roman numerals on the outside.
Then we were off to Abattoir. I googled Paleo restaurants and it came up. I don't believe they claim to be a Paleo restaurant, but their menu was pretty close. It is very industrial looking. More metal! We had an awesome dinner and sat next to a couple celebrating their 13th year of marriage. We toasted with them with champagne and enjoyed a delicious meal!
To end the evening, we walked down to the West Egg Cafe. For all you readers out there, this restaurant was mentioned in the Great Gatsby. We asked the guy behind the counter the history, but he was clueless and probably mad we showed up 30 minutes before they closed. We ordered dessert and enjoyed our "candy".
This may have been the first date that we hadn't mentioned cancer or the effects of cancer or how long my hair was getting or doctor's appointments. It was a great date with my boyfriend/fiance/husband. Just like it was before cancer. I hope there are many more just like this one - free of cancer talk, full of fun, good food, and feeling normal again.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
#day8greenchair
There is a green chair in our den that has seen better days. The fabric is torn and it is a mess. We have decided to wait until the boys are a little older before we get new furniture. To wait until this messy stage of our lives is over.
I have taken on the 100 Happy Days Challenge. 100happydays.com Basically, you take one photo each day that makes you happy, post it, and hash tag it. As mentioned above, I am in the stage where my boys happily consume all my time. I am trying not to post a picture every day of them. It is hard because they do make me so very happy and they give me heart smiles every day.
So I was looking around my house for something else that makes me happy and my eyes rested on the green chair. It is very apropos that I thought about it today.
I have taken on the 100 Happy Days Challenge. 100happydays.com Basically, you take one photo each day that makes you happy, post it, and hash tag it. As mentioned above, I am in the stage where my boys happily consume all my time. I am trying not to post a picture every day of them. It is hard because they do make me so very happy and they give me heart smiles every day.
So I was looking around my house for something else that makes me happy and my eyes rested on the green chair. It is very apropos that I thought about it today.
Seven years ago today, we had a conversation on this chair. Seven years ago today, we decided to start dating and be more than friends.
Since then many things have happened on this chair. We have had many other conversations in this chair. What kind of wedding do we want? Where do we want to go on our honeymoon? When should we try to get pregnant?
There have also been many tears on this chair. Why can't we get pregnant? Why didn't the many procedures we try get us pregnant? When do we decide to stop trying and adopt?
Then we were able to bring two beautiful babies home from the hospital. I nursed in this chair, I snuggled in this chair, and I watched my babies sleep in this chair. I fell in love in this chair.
I remember coming downstairs at 4 am one night after Jack had been crying for an hour straight. I didn't know what else to do. I sat in this chair, held him close, and just sobbed. Ten minutes later, he let out a loud burp and filled his diaper simultaneously. I started laughing, he stopped crying, I changed his diaper, I put him on my chest, and we slept for 6 glorious hours. My batteries were recharged in this chair.
I sat in this chair with a second baby in my belly and the words, "It is breast cancer" screaming in my head. I sobbed again in this chair one night when Jason ran to the store. He was scared and I was trying to be brave. This green chair helped me get my head straight. I let it out and then decided that was all the sobbing cancer was going to get. I got real in this chair.
I sat in this chair recovering from my many surgeries. I was able to see my boys playing and hear them laughing. They were able to climb up and snuggle with me. I healed in this green chair.
Two weeks ago, I had a conversation with Jason on this chair about a new lump I found. I had been to the doctor earlier and, thankfully, it was not concerning. But once again, I left that chair feeling better than I had when I sat on it.
Now my boys use this chair to build forts and to wrestle with their daddy. With some finageling, I think the four of us could snuggle in it and watch a movie. We have many of our important talks in this chair. And we are starting to have conversations with the boys in this chair.
I don't want to get rid of this chair. It has seen our lives every single day. It has seen the good times and the not so good times. It has held us while we cried, while we laughed, while we were scared, while we were happy, and while we became a family.
We said we would get a new one when our lives stopped being so messy. One thing that I have learned this past year is that our lives are always going to be messy. If two boys hadn't guaranteed that, cancer certainly has.
When I look at this green chair, I don't see the huge rips that we had to cover with a blanket. I don't see the fading of the fabric or the many stains on it. I see memories. Some good, some bad, but memories that make up our story.
So if you come to my house and we finally have all new furniture, but in the corner is this ratty, green chair, please smile like I do. Smile knowing it helped us become who we are - a wonderful, messy family.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
The Phone Rang Early!
I got the call yesterday around noon. "The pathology report came back. No cancer or precancerous cells present." I knew I was worried, but didn't realize how much until then. I was crying pretty hard.
I thought I wanted to write an insightful post about how I have been feeling and what I was thinking. But who wants to read that at this point, right?
I slept so well last night and will enjoy the days leading up to the next scare. Because, unfortunately, there will be more.
As my very intelligent friend, L, said, "When this comes back as NO CANCER, you will then know the other side of this waiting. The first time was cancer, this time no cancer. Maybe that will help you in the future." You were right, L. Thank you, my friend.
So I won't bore you with how I was really scared and tell you about the roads I went down when I couldn't sleep at night. Instead, I will thank you, once again, for your prayers, support, love, and friendship.
I will end this here. My boys are calling me to "play, Mommy!"...
I thought I wanted to write an insightful post about how I have been feeling and what I was thinking. But who wants to read that at this point, right?
I slept so well last night and will enjoy the days leading up to the next scare. Because, unfortunately, there will be more.
As my very intelligent friend, L, said, "When this comes back as NO CANCER, you will then know the other side of this waiting. The first time was cancer, this time no cancer. Maybe that will help you in the future." You were right, L. Thank you, my friend.
So I won't bore you with how I was really scared and tell you about the roads I went down when I couldn't sleep at night. Instead, I will thank you, once again, for your prayers, support, love, and friendship.
I will end this here. My boys are calling me to "play, Mommy!"...
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Post Surgery
My surgery went well and I was home by 11. I was banished to the bedroom and I took one of the best naps I have had in awhile. I woke up to my boys laughing. Pretty good day considering what the surgery was for and how I have been losing sleep over worrying about the results.
We now get to wait for a week to hear whether this is my new normal or if it is something concerning.
Once again, I have been showered with an outpouring of love. We have had 3 dinners delivered already. I have received texts, emails, and phone calls. And, most importantly, prayers are being said.
Keep them coming and hopefully I will have good news soon!
We now get to wait for a week to hear whether this is my new normal or if it is something concerning.
Once again, I have been showered with an outpouring of love. We have had 3 dinners delivered already. I have received texts, emails, and phone calls. And, most importantly, prayers are being said.
Keep them coming and hopefully I will have good news soon!
Monday, February 3, 2014
Surgery
My surgery is scheduled for this Thursday, Feb. 6, at 8:30 am. It is to take 30 minutes. We then get to wait a week for the results.
I have been asked what specific prayer I would like said. "That there is no cancer."
Period. End of post.
I have been asked what specific prayer I would like said. "That there is no cancer."
Period. End of post.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
I Am Done With Scary
As I have shared, one of the side effects of the pill I am to take for the next 10 years is uterine cancer. I went to my GYN two months ago for an ultrasound to check everything out. At that time, I did have a cyst. My GYN wanted me to come back in two months to look at it again. The hope was that it would be gone.
Today was that day. I get on the table and we started the ultrasound. The tech asked me what kind of breast cancer I had. I told her and said something along the line was that it was not fun. And then I said, "I am done with scary!" I laughed and said that I liked that. "I am done with scary."
She then gave me great news. The cyst had shrunk! I already pictured calling up Jason and telling him the good news. I couldn't remember if I had told my mother, but I planned on calling her and telling her the good news. I guess I was more worried than I realized because I was feeling very good.
I wait to see my GYN. She comes in and just gives it to me. The cyst has shrunk and that is great. But.....
No! Please, no!
This is what I heard:
"Your lining two months ago was 5 cm. Today it is at 8 cm. We need to do a D and C and figure out what is going on. We will do it on a Thursday and then you need to take it easy for 4 days."
What?!?
I tried to calm down, but I felt like I was going to throw up. I took a deep breath and tried to ask intelligent questions.
Isn't a D and C for miscarriages? Yes, but they are also for exploratory reasons.
The thickening of my lining could be a sign of what? Cancer
Do you feel that it is cancer? No. But let's make sure. (Not too reassuring.)
Give me worse case, please. If it is precancerous, then we will talk with a gynecologist oncologist and discuss whether a hysterectomy is needed. We will also discuss whether the ovaries need to come out too.
What is the down side to all of that? (Because to me, just take all that out if it reduces my risk.) Early menopause.
I left there in a daze. I sat in my car trying to figure out if I was going to be sick or not. I called my BFF. No answer. I called my sister. No answer. I knew I was going to start bawling so wanted to get it out of my system before I called Jason. But I called him. And I was right. Poor guy was probably freaking out because I couldn't talk. Just cried. I explained everything to him. We hung up, I wiped my tears, and off to Kroger I went. (Life goes on, right?)
I have been trying to analyze what I am feeling. Fear, of course, but I think there is a lot of anger. I am just mad. I am feeling great physically. I have started running again and I feel awesome during and after each run. And I am tired of procedures and doctors and surgeries and reminders that I am sick.
And maybe that is part of what I needed. I am still recovering. My body is still adjusting. And I am trying to do way too much. Everyone is telling me that, but I don't want to hear it. I lost a year of my life. I lost time with my family and friends. I am tired of being sick!!!
I will get a call from someone at the office to schedule my surgery. She wants it done in the next month or two.
To end the way I began, I am done with scary. So when I press publish, I am going to try to breath and not worry until I have to worry.
I am done with scary....
Today was that day. I get on the table and we started the ultrasound. The tech asked me what kind of breast cancer I had. I told her and said something along the line was that it was not fun. And then I said, "I am done with scary!" I laughed and said that I liked that. "I am done with scary."
She then gave me great news. The cyst had shrunk! I already pictured calling up Jason and telling him the good news. I couldn't remember if I had told my mother, but I planned on calling her and telling her the good news. I guess I was more worried than I realized because I was feeling very good.
I wait to see my GYN. She comes in and just gives it to me. The cyst has shrunk and that is great. But.....
No! Please, no!
This is what I heard:
"Your lining two months ago was 5 cm. Today it is at 8 cm. We need to do a D and C and figure out what is going on. We will do it on a Thursday and then you need to take it easy for 4 days."
What?!?
I tried to calm down, but I felt like I was going to throw up. I took a deep breath and tried to ask intelligent questions.
Isn't a D and C for miscarriages? Yes, but they are also for exploratory reasons.
The thickening of my lining could be a sign of what? Cancer
Do you feel that it is cancer? No. But let's make sure. (Not too reassuring.)
Give me worse case, please. If it is precancerous, then we will talk with a gynecologist oncologist and discuss whether a hysterectomy is needed. We will also discuss whether the ovaries need to come out too.
What is the down side to all of that? (Because to me, just take all that out if it reduces my risk.) Early menopause.
I left there in a daze. I sat in my car trying to figure out if I was going to be sick or not. I called my BFF. No answer. I called my sister. No answer. I knew I was going to start bawling so wanted to get it out of my system before I called Jason. But I called him. And I was right. Poor guy was probably freaking out because I couldn't talk. Just cried. I explained everything to him. We hung up, I wiped my tears, and off to Kroger I went. (Life goes on, right?)
I have been trying to analyze what I am feeling. Fear, of course, but I think there is a lot of anger. I am just mad. I am feeling great physically. I have started running again and I feel awesome during and after each run. And I am tired of procedures and doctors and surgeries and reminders that I am sick.
And maybe that is part of what I needed. I am still recovering. My body is still adjusting. And I am trying to do way too much. Everyone is telling me that, but I don't want to hear it. I lost a year of my life. I lost time with my family and friends. I am tired of being sick!!!
I will get a call from someone at the office to schedule my surgery. She wants it done in the next month or two.
To end the way I began, I am done with scary. So when I press publish, I am going to try to breath and not worry until I have to worry.
I am done with scary....
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
What Did You Call Me?!?
It was a simple conversation. I was telling my friend that I had responded to something my son had said with, "Yes, Son, I did." As I drove home, it just hit me - I am a mother. I have a son. I have two sons! I like those titles. They are titles I hoped to have one day. There are other titles I also wish to have one day, but they still haven't happened. And then my mind wouldn't turn off...
It starts very early. We strive for titles. Spelling Bee Champ. MVP. Winner of the Talent Show.
Then it becomes more intense. College graduate. Summa cum laude.
Then more emotional. Girlfriend. Fiance. Wife. Mother.
And then it gets damaging. Thrower of the best party. Owner of the biggest house. Running ragged to be mother of the year. Starving to look like someone else. Sacrificing who you are for others.
And most of us just become lost.
I love Facebook. I have heard negative comments too. (I will save that for another post.) But I love FB. I keep in touch with friends. I see pictures of their beautiful families. I get ideas on things I can do around my house, things I can do with my family, and things I can do for myself.
But that can be damaging also. We can see something on there and let it make us feel inferior. Let it make us feel like a lesser mother. Or wife. Or friend. But that is just trying to be someone you are not. Why do we do that? Concentrate on the negatives instead of seeing all the positives in are lives?
I have a friend who has it all. She is beautiful. Her husband is too. Two beautiful children. Her own business. The cutest house. And she is just as beautiful on the inside. I don't feel that she struggles with these things. They are just who she is. She is a mother, wife, entrepreneur, home owner, an awesome decorator, and a wonderful friend.
But I will admit, I saw pictures of how her house was decorated for the holidays, and I thought, "I love that! I am going to do something like that." But then a week went by and another and Christmas was fast approaching and it started causing me stress instead of making me smile at the thought of it.
And then I stopped. Because I realized that is not one of my titles. I don't have that kind of creative bone it my body. I think you can become a title you weren't before, but only if it doesn't come with a lot of stress. If you are stressing about it too much, let it go.
So I did.
I will probably not ever have a house you would see in a magazine. I will not be dressed to the nines every time you see me. I will not always have on the latest and cutest clothes. I will not have my kids in the latest styles either. I will not always say the right thing in social settings. And, lately, my hair will not always be coiffed in the right way!
I think it is time for us to think about the titles that we are already. The titles that we are because it is who we are without trying too hard.
As hard as it is for us mothers to do this, I am going to list the things that I am good at doing. The titles that make my heart smile. The titles that fill me with peace. The titles that make up who I am, not who I hope to be one day.
Child of God
Daughter
Sister
Wife
Mother
Teacher
Runner
Survivor
Forgiver
Voracious Reader
Delicious Cook
Fun Baker
Lover of Board Games
Planner of Fun Get Togethers
Nerf War Champion
Fort Builder
Creator of Laughs
Night Time Reader of Books
Adventurer
Hugger
Get On The Floor and Get Dirty With My Kids Mother
It was hard for me to just type. To not think what I should be or would like to be or what she or he is and I want to be also. I just typed.
So let go of the titles that just aren't you and concentrate on the ones that ARE you. Let 2014 be the year you embrace who are and not who you are hoping to be one day. Concentrate on the good and let go of the bad.
What about you? What titles come to mind when you think who and what you are right now? Don't think and just type.
(That wasn't a rhetorical question. I would love to hear your titles.)
It starts very early. We strive for titles. Spelling Bee Champ. MVP. Winner of the Talent Show.
Then it becomes more intense. College graduate. Summa cum laude.
Then more emotional. Girlfriend. Fiance. Wife. Mother.
And then it gets damaging. Thrower of the best party. Owner of the biggest house. Running ragged to be mother of the year. Starving to look like someone else. Sacrificing who you are for others.
And most of us just become lost.
I love Facebook. I have heard negative comments too. (I will save that for another post.) But I love FB. I keep in touch with friends. I see pictures of their beautiful families. I get ideas on things I can do around my house, things I can do with my family, and things I can do for myself.
But that can be damaging also. We can see something on there and let it make us feel inferior. Let it make us feel like a lesser mother. Or wife. Or friend. But that is just trying to be someone you are not. Why do we do that? Concentrate on the negatives instead of seeing all the positives in are lives?
I have a friend who has it all. She is beautiful. Her husband is too. Two beautiful children. Her own business. The cutest house. And she is just as beautiful on the inside. I don't feel that she struggles with these things. They are just who she is. She is a mother, wife, entrepreneur, home owner, an awesome decorator, and a wonderful friend.
But I will admit, I saw pictures of how her house was decorated for the holidays, and I thought, "I love that! I am going to do something like that." But then a week went by and another and Christmas was fast approaching and it started causing me stress instead of making me smile at the thought of it.
And then I stopped. Because I realized that is not one of my titles. I don't have that kind of creative bone it my body. I think you can become a title you weren't before, but only if it doesn't come with a lot of stress. If you are stressing about it too much, let it go.
So I did.
I will probably not ever have a house you would see in a magazine. I will not be dressed to the nines every time you see me. I will not always have on the latest and cutest clothes. I will not have my kids in the latest styles either. I will not always say the right thing in social settings. And, lately, my hair will not always be coiffed in the right way!
I think it is time for us to think about the titles that we are already. The titles that we are because it is who we are without trying too hard.
As hard as it is for us mothers to do this, I am going to list the things that I am good at doing. The titles that make my heart smile. The titles that fill me with peace. The titles that make up who I am, not who I hope to be one day.
Child of God
Daughter
Sister
Wife
Mother
Teacher
Runner
Survivor
Forgiver
Voracious Reader
Delicious Cook
Fun Baker
Lover of Board Games
Planner of Fun Get Togethers
Nerf War Champion
Fort Builder
Creator of Laughs
Night Time Reader of Books
Adventurer
Hugger
Get On The Floor and Get Dirty With My Kids Mother
It was hard for me to just type. To not think what I should be or would like to be or what she or he is and I want to be also. I just typed.
So let go of the titles that just aren't you and concentrate on the ones that ARE you. Let 2014 be the year you embrace who are and not who you are hoping to be one day. Concentrate on the good and let go of the bad.
What about you? What titles come to mind when you think who and what you are right now? Don't think and just type.
(That wasn't a rhetorical question. I would love to hear your titles.)
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Candid Camera
Have you ever had one of those days where you literally look for the hidden camera? Where so many things go wrong, one after the other, that you stop for a second and think this really can't be happening?
I seem to have a lot of those days. Today was another one...
Jason is out of town, Jack has been showing signs of the terrible twos (We are aware that we have been lucky so far since he is 2.5), and Charlie is happiest if I am carrying him around.
The cleaners show up and the dogs go out when I open the door for them. That is normally okay. They do their business and come back to the garage door. Charlie woke up from his nap so I went and got him. Ten minutes later, I see a flash of golden out of the corner of my eye. Darn it! I forgot the dogs. I call them in and as soon as they step in the back room, there are muddy prints everywhere. I immediately shoo them back out and go the garage and call them in that way. My plan was to clean/wipe their paws and be done with it. Well, they don't come when I call them. I hear crying behind me. I close the door and find both boys on the floor crying. Apparently their wrestling match had gotten out of hand. Ten minutes later, you guessed it - I realized I forgot the dogs again. I go back to the garage and call them in. I hear them running towards the garage. But what comes to me is not my beautiful Golden dogs. What comes towards me are black dogs. I just stare at them in disbelief. I have to leave for work. I still have to load up our stuff and the boys. Really?!?
I leave them in the garage, throw their beds in the garage, and leave them a bowl of water. Thank goodness it was warmer today.
I put Charlie on the counter to put on his shoes. He looks at me, smiles, and slowly, but methodically, dumps out a whole cup of cereal on the island. I clean that up. Finish packing the diaper bag and start to walk to the garage. Realize I can't go through the garage because the dogs are in there. I go through front door (which, of course, is not near the car) and put Charlie in the car. Go get Jack and put him in the car - through the front door. Go back to get the diaper bag and tell the cleaners not to go through the garage. And we are off and very late.
I get out of the neighborhood and realize I forgot my phone. I turn around, get the phone, and tell myself to slow down even though we are really late now.
Later that night, we come home to a clean house and two very dirty dogs still in the garage. (Remember, Jason is out of town.) I make dinner for the boys. We play for a little while. We go upstairs. Play some more. We take baths. Put PJs on. Five minutes later (no joke), Charlie has messed up his diaper. Clean him up and play some more. Put Charlie down for the night. Play with Jack. I get him set up playing with a train and get ready to bathe the dogs. This is not an easy task. They both weigh 80 pounds and don't particularly like the bath. I get Dennis and get him in the bath. No exaggeration, the water is black that is coming off of him. And he has small trees in his fir. The bathroom is getting filthy. The cleaners just came. Ughh!
I get him cleaned and dried and go get Sam. I am in the middle of washing him and Charlie starts crying. I tell Sam to stay and go in there. He has thrown his pacy across the room. I give it to him, close the door, and guess who is standing in the hallway dripping water and mud everywhere. Have you ever tried to get a wet dog in a bath when he doesn't want to without a collar? I did and it wasn't easy or fun. I start washing him again and I hear, "Mom, I have to stink stink!" I turn from Sam and take off the things I have put on the toilet. I turn to grab Jack and his face is red, his eyes are watering, and my sweet boy is going in his pants. And this is where I start looking for the camera. This has to be a set up, right?
Bath Aftermath:
As I was doing dishes later, I was going over my night. I try to find lessons. God must really want me to learn patience because I have a lot of days like this. I feel like I actually handle them pretty well. So maybe that is not it. He was probably just having a slow night and thought it would be fun to mess with me.
I don't know. What I do know, though, that among all this craziness, there were some precious moments today. And honestly, as annoying as I know some people think this is, I am actually smiling right now.
As I sat down to feed Charlie, Jack said, "We forgot to say our blessing!" We have been trying to get him to show an interest in the blessings. I thought he wasn't. I was wrong.
Jack came in when I was washing the dogs and talked with me. It was like he knew I needed someone to make me smile. He "helped" me by holding onto the shower head hose. He was quiet while I was rinsing off Sam and then I heard a sweet voice say, "You are the best mom I ever had." And my heart melted along with my tiredness.
As I was finally eating dinner at 9:00 PM, I heard Jack calling me. I asked him (through the monitor) what he needed. His response? I just need you. I happily go up there to give him one more kiss, one more song, and one more tuck in.
As I walked away from him, I hope the camera caught that moment also - me smiling at the sweetness in my life.
I seem to have a lot of those days. Today was another one...
Jason is out of town, Jack has been showing signs of the terrible twos (We are aware that we have been lucky so far since he is 2.5), and Charlie is happiest if I am carrying him around.
The cleaners show up and the dogs go out when I open the door for them. That is normally okay. They do their business and come back to the garage door. Charlie woke up from his nap so I went and got him. Ten minutes later, I see a flash of golden out of the corner of my eye. Darn it! I forgot the dogs. I call them in and as soon as they step in the back room, there are muddy prints everywhere. I immediately shoo them back out and go the garage and call them in that way. My plan was to clean/wipe their paws and be done with it. Well, they don't come when I call them. I hear crying behind me. I close the door and find both boys on the floor crying. Apparently their wrestling match had gotten out of hand. Ten minutes later, you guessed it - I realized I forgot the dogs again. I go back to the garage and call them in. I hear them running towards the garage. But what comes to me is not my beautiful Golden dogs. What comes towards me are black dogs. I just stare at them in disbelief. I have to leave for work. I still have to load up our stuff and the boys. Really?!?
I leave them in the garage, throw their beds in the garage, and leave them a bowl of water. Thank goodness it was warmer today.
I put Charlie on the counter to put on his shoes. He looks at me, smiles, and slowly, but methodically, dumps out a whole cup of cereal on the island. I clean that up. Finish packing the diaper bag and start to walk to the garage. Realize I can't go through the garage because the dogs are in there. I go through front door (which, of course, is not near the car) and put Charlie in the car. Go get Jack and put him in the car - through the front door. Go back to get the diaper bag and tell the cleaners not to go through the garage. And we are off and very late.
I get out of the neighborhood and realize I forgot my phone. I turn around, get the phone, and tell myself to slow down even though we are really late now.
Later that night, we come home to a clean house and two very dirty dogs still in the garage. (Remember, Jason is out of town.) I make dinner for the boys. We play for a little while. We go upstairs. Play some more. We take baths. Put PJs on. Five minutes later (no joke), Charlie has messed up his diaper. Clean him up and play some more. Put Charlie down for the night. Play with Jack. I get him set up playing with a train and get ready to bathe the dogs. This is not an easy task. They both weigh 80 pounds and don't particularly like the bath. I get Dennis and get him in the bath. No exaggeration, the water is black that is coming off of him. And he has small trees in his fir. The bathroom is getting filthy. The cleaners just came. Ughh!
I get him cleaned and dried and go get Sam. I am in the middle of washing him and Charlie starts crying. I tell Sam to stay and go in there. He has thrown his pacy across the room. I give it to him, close the door, and guess who is standing in the hallway dripping water and mud everywhere. Have you ever tried to get a wet dog in a bath when he doesn't want to without a collar? I did and it wasn't easy or fun. I start washing him again and I hear, "Mom, I have to stink stink!" I turn from Sam and take off the things I have put on the toilet. I turn to grab Jack and his face is red, his eyes are watering, and my sweet boy is going in his pants. And this is where I start looking for the camera. This has to be a set up, right?
Bath Aftermath:
 |
| Notice a little boy's bottoms? |
 |
| Trying to keep the floor clean... |
 |
| Fail. And the cleaners just came!! |
As I was doing dishes later, I was going over my night. I try to find lessons. God must really want me to learn patience because I have a lot of days like this. I feel like I actually handle them pretty well. So maybe that is not it. He was probably just having a slow night and thought it would be fun to mess with me.
I don't know. What I do know, though, that among all this craziness, there were some precious moments today. And honestly, as annoying as I know some people think this is, I am actually smiling right now.
As I sat down to feed Charlie, Jack said, "We forgot to say our blessing!" We have been trying to get him to show an interest in the blessings. I thought he wasn't. I was wrong.
Jack came in when I was washing the dogs and talked with me. It was like he knew I needed someone to make me smile. He "helped" me by holding onto the shower head hose. He was quiet while I was rinsing off Sam and then I heard a sweet voice say, "You are the best mom I ever had." And my heart melted along with my tiredness.
As I was finally eating dinner at 9:00 PM, I heard Jack calling me. I asked him (through the monitor) what he needed. His response? I just need you. I happily go up there to give him one more kiss, one more song, and one more tuck in.
As I walked away from him, I hope the camera caught that moment also - me smiling at the sweetness in my life.
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