6 Long Days

I have run through all the scenerios of my worst fear - cancer coming back.  I have been in bed not able to sleep and I have run them all.  Finding another lump.  Having bone pain that lasts too long.  Feeling sick.  All of them.  I thought I would be ready..

I went to a new gynecologist yesterday.  After going over my medical history and proclaiming "what a couple years you had" and "glad you are doing so well", she started my exam.  She listened to my heart.  Heart sounds great.  She listen to my lungs.  Even with bronchitis, lungs sound good.  Then she put her hands around my neck and said, "Oh, no."  What??  "You have a swollen lymph node.  This isn't good."  And the world starts spinning.  She mentioned cancer and I am not sure if I truly heard her next words.  She finished the exam and told me to meet her in her office.  She was going to call my oncologist and get me in ASAP.  Here come the tears....

I meet her in the office and she is on hold.  I ask her, "If I didn't have cancer in my history, what would you be thinking?"  She looked me right in the eye and said cancer.  I think I am going to be sick.

It is 11:00.  She gets me in at 3:00.  I go home and start cleaning.  Because that is what I do.  I have to be able to control something because my day has suddenly spun out of control.  I pick up the boys and try not to squeeze them because that will just make me cry even more.  We eat lunch.  We play.  We laugh.  I forget for seconds at a time. My mother in law comes at 2:30.

I have not told Jason at this point.  We had a honest conversation about the scares that are part of my life now.  He said he didn't want to know until he had to know.  Even when a scare turns out to be nothing, he still doesn't want to know.  I was clinging onto the fact that I have bronchitis and that is why my lymph node is swollen.  My oncologist was going to tell me that is what is was and we would move on.

Unfortunately, that did not happen.  I wish I could write down our conversation, but I remember bits and pieces.  It was not from bronchitis.  It is a mass.  It is hard.  She didn't like it.  What are the chances it is cancer?  50/50, but it is hard.  I told her I was grasping for some reassurance and said, "I am sorry.  I am not going to sugar coat this for you."  The small bit of hope I had vanishes.  And here comes the ugly cry.  My favorite nurse comes and I thought, "Here comes my reassurance."  She hugged me and said she was sorry.

I check out and get scheduled for a biopsy and a PET scan.  I go outside and call Jason.  That wasn't fun.  He meets me at the house and we sit in the driveway.  I am crying and he is shaking.  This sucks.

We go in the house and try to act normal for the boys.  Thankfully, they are a wonderful distraction.  My sister walked through the door unannounced, but very much appreciated. We did baths and dinner and played.  We had a fun night considering.  We tried to sleep, but were up a lot.

I had my biopsy today at 1:30.  I had an ultrasound first.  The doctor said it is not a lymph node.  It is a mass.  Ugh.  Good news is that it isn't attached to anything.  I asked him if he thought it was cancer.  Still grasping for something to hold onto here.  He said he couldn't tell.  And I think he was being honest.  He said whether it is cancer or not, it has to come out.  That is scheduled for Dec. 5.

We did the biopsy (that hurt!) and now we wait.  I have my PET scan on Monday at 2:00.  I have an appointment on Tuesday with my oncologist at 8:45 am to go over all the results and come up with a plan.

I am not being all gloom and doom, but this scare is different.  You could feel the fear in that room yesterday.  With all my other scares, it was, "We are just being cautious.  We are almost positive it is nothing."  I haven't gotten that this time.  Nothing even close.

I asked my oncologist what is the worst case scenerio?  It is breast cancer.  We take it out.  We do radiation.  We put you on another pill.  I think that is what she said.  But it being breast cancer is the best worst case scenerio, right?  Because it could be another type of cancer.  And that REALLY scares me.

I am not afraid/worried about treatment.  Chemo sucks, but I can do it.  Losing my hair sucks, but if I am alive, I will take it.  What does worry me is having cancer twice.  That is never good.  I don't really have a gut feeling, but I am assuming it is cancer at this point.  The waiting stinks.  I just want to know what it is and what the plan is so we can start.

I have told a few friends and appreciate their words (and swearing).  I am just as mad.  They are already asking what they can do.  Just pray.  I am always torn between praying that this is not cancer and, (if it is), praying that we can get all the cancer out and move on.  The wonderful nurse today said to only say positive things.  Don't give the negative a place to grow.  I like that a lot, but I feel like praying that it is not cancer is not realistic.

But oh what a day Tuesday will be if we find out it isn't....