God's Delays Are Not His Denials

When I got me recent diagnosis, I was just confused.  I thought we had kicked it down for the third and final time.  I thought God was part of that.

We have been thanking Him for my complete healing.  And I thought maybe I had to change that gratitude.  And then it hit me - I will have complete healing.  Just not on my time.

As I have said from day one, I do not believe that God has anything to do with cancer.  He created us and then had to give us free will.  Free will that I do not believe he can interfere with on our behalf.  So He just has to watch as we are messing up our world.  Messing it up with foods and medicines/drugs and electronics that our creating toxins that our bodies cannot handle.  

My God is not the kind of God that punishes.  He would not want me to suffer.  He is doing what He can do.  He is right here with me.  Putting people in my path, treatments in my path, love in my heart, and giving me comfort.

Someone said to me today, "I am sorry."  I hope he meant - sorry you are having to do this again.  Not sorry for the horrible diagnosis.  Because it is not horrible.  It is just more of the same.  Yes, scarier, but of the same.  

Once again, when you think of me, think of how I am going to beat this.  How I am going to be a miracle once again.  When you tell my story, say, "Follow this girl.  It is going to be amazing!"

Only good vibes, please.  I keep saying it, but I really believe in that.  Send out good vibes to God and the universe, and anyone who will listen.  #Dawnsarmy has this.

God's delays are not his denials.  He hasn't said no.  He just said, "Be patient, my child.  There is more for you to learn."

I am ready.

I Am Not Making This Up

Yesterday I went to Kroger.  Put all my groceries in the back.  Got up front.  Turned on my car.  Looked to the right of me and a sweet, older lady looked at me and backed up.  And then my car was hit and it was moved from the force of her cutting her wheel too quick.

I am not making this up.

I hop out of the car.  I honestly don't think she was going to stop.  She was a typical older woman.  White hair covered with one of those clear, thick plastic rain hat things on.  This was our conversation.

"You hit me."
Very defiantely, "No, I didn't!"
"You moved my whole car."
"It was someone else!"
"Ma'am, you just hit me while I was in my car."
"It was someone else."

I walked to the front of her car and part of my car is hanging off of hers.

"My car is hanging off your bumper."
"It wasn't me.  Someone else hit you!!!"

It was very surreal.  Here is this sweet looking lady being so defiant, I didn't even know how to handle it.  What do you say or do at this point?  I started thinking what kind of life she is living to react that way.  And just want to give her a hug.

She starts walking back to her car and I said I am going to take a picture of her license and call the police.  She just looked at me.

Then she gets in her car, and I am not going to lie, I think she would have hit me as she zoomed off if I had not moved.

I am not making this up.

It is about 12:40 and I have to pick up the boys.  I head home to drop off groceries, tell Jason as he is home resting, go pick put the boys, Jason called the police, and I come home.

According to the police, I have to go back to Kroger and then call them from there to get a police report.  That sounds crazy to everyone else, right?

So I did.  And now we wait.  And I hope that lady is okay.  In hindsight, her behavior may indicate that she shouldn't have been driving at all.

I hope you are shaking your head and laughing right now.  That was my intent in sending this out.  It is raining, dreary, but life is pretty funny!

I am not making that up either.

Can't Make This Up

Except for football season, Jason and I try to do Date Night at least once a month.  Last night we played tennis with friends and were heading to our second part of the date which was walking around the square.  We were in the Jeep and we realized we needed gas.  A quick detour to QT and then we would be on our way.

I was waiting in the jeep while Jason pumped when I heard this shrill, "Watch out, oh god, watch out!!"  And we were hit.  I jumped out of the Jeep and almost passed out.  Before I could get to the back, I heard Jason say he was okay.  But he was in between a huge Expedition and the Jeep.  He is okay, but pretty bruised up.

The Expedition was parked that the door of QT.  Her hood was up as there was something wrong with it.  One of her kids hit/moved/kicked it into neutral.  That big, heavy vehicle rolled down the slight hill and hit Jason.  Thankfully, the majority of the Expedition hit the gas pumped and our spare tire on the back of the Jeep.  Thank goodness for that spare tire.

We thought his arm was broken.  It got caught somewhere, somehow and was swollen.  911 was called.  Firetrucks and ambulance show up.  QT shuts off all the machines.  They strongly advise Jason to go the hospital, but agrees I can drive him.

I wish I had gotten better pictures, but here are the two I took:

We drive home to get warmer clothes, insurance card, and some food for Jason.  We decide that I should go to the hospital considering I am on chemo and my immune could be compromised.  Our good friend, PS, didn't even hesitate when I called him.  "I'll be there in 10 minutes."  Because Jason has an artificial heart valve and is on Coumadin, he usually gets a straight pass back.  Which he did.  I think they were done with X-Rays and exam in an hour and a half.  No broken bones, but pretty bruised up.  He is pretty sore today and trying to let me take care of him.

I just kept thinking how crazy this was and how you cannot even try to make it up.  We were minutes away from being done pumping gas and would've missed it.  But we were also inches away from it being a lot more serious.  Everything for a reason, but we probably won't know why.

What we learned.....we sure handle this stuff well.  My mind worked ahead to think of getting someone to go with him.  We thought ahead to run home for insurance cards.  And we were able to laugh about the absurdity of our evening.  Still shaking my head....

I am not sure how he is going to top our next date night.  At this point, I will take a nice romantic walk at a park.   Hint, hint, Jason.

Horse Pills

We received word at the beginning of the week that insurance covered the chemo pills!  We did, however, had to pay a pharmacy co-pay of $2800.  Gulp.  The pills were at my garage when I got up from rest time today.  They are HUGE!

A regular-sized bottle to compare

A regular-sized pill to compare

As much as I don't like taking pills, I am ready to get these in my body so they can do their job!  I take the horse pills on an empty stomach and the other two 30 minutes after eating.  People have asked what prayers I want sent my way.  Same as always, "Dear God, no side effects for Dawn and complete healing.  Thank you for granting this.  Amen!"  We ask, He delivers, we accept, and we give gratitude.  

More Of The Game Plan

We have talked to all doctor's involved and know about 90% of the game plan.

On Wednesday, we did talk more about the multiple lesions/mets with Dr. Hahm in person.  We didn't ask how many again, but multiple.  If it was only one to three, an option would be Cyber Knife, but too many.

Loss of life was said.

Whew.  Thought it would be easier to write than say, but nope.  Pretty much still scary and makes me feel faint and want to throw up.

BUT there are two options.  We cannot do radiation again.  It would more than likely put me in a dementia state forever.

Option 1: There is an IV drug that can penetrate the brain barrier and POSSIBLY shrink these suckers.  But there is not a lot of data or good data on that option.  And side effects are more extreme.

Option 2: Two chemo pills.  More data, more positive data, more success.  Hahm is great, but straight to the point, doesn't sugar-coat it, but does say it with compassion and understanding.  But it was a scary conversation.  These pills have shown success in certain cases, less side effects, and our best option.

We are waiting to hear if my insurance will cover this expensive (of course) pills, if they can be shipped directly to my house (that would be awesome!), and when we can start.

We asked about trials and she said she would send out some feelers, but she hasn't heard of any at this moment.

We left there feeling pretty low, but we had options.  I think we were all in a daze.

Thursday, we saw McLaughlin.  At one point, Jason suggested we not go.  "Do we want to hear the bad news all over again?"  Something told me we should go.  We needed to make sure we asked the "expert" all our questions and hear from him.

We are glad we went.  He gave us more hope.  I will sum up what he said:  The first option is to do nothing.  I would probably have a year left.  (Whew.  That was hard too.)  There are multiple lesions, but are small. I do have a larger one right on my brain stem, but still small.  The lesions are better than they were the last time, but worse because they are back.  He was very encouraged on my appearance and how I looked.  No outward signs of brain swelling.  He said I had responded well to treatments up to now, and doesn't see why it won't happen again.  He said keep living your life and you will do great.  He is the expert.  Sees more cases of this than probably Dr. Hahm and he was so upbeat and hopeful.  The last time he was more matter of the fact.  So I am going to not question why this time he was different and go with it.  Thank you so much, Dr. McLaughlin.

We all walked out of there feeling a little lighter.  We know we have the hardest fight coming, but there is hope.  And hope is all we have had and what has helped us kick it down.

Dr. Hahm said I should not drive in case of a seizure.  We asked McLaughlin and he said he thinks I would be fine around town.  Not at night and no highways.  But he left that decision up to Jason.  He said that if he notices me swaying or my speech is slurring or things just change, then he needs to put a stop to it.  Poor guy.  That's a lot of pressure.  And if you guys notice something, please tell me.  I will not jeopardize myself or my boys.  We have decided that I won't drive until I start the pills and things have settled in just to be safe.  Thankfully, the boys are out of school next week, so we can hole up in the house.

I have received so many messages and offers to help.  I am giving myself today to just be and enjoy my boys.  But tomorrow, I am going to have to sit down and get a schedule going.  I will post again as soon as I know what that looks like.  But I will need some cute taxi drivers, child care when I head to appointments with said cute taxi driver, prayers, grocery help, wheatgrass help, prayers, and probably things I am not thinking about at the moment.

It continues to amaze me the amount of love pouring our way.   This is scary stuff.  The scariest.  And no one wants this in their face to force you to think about it.  Thank you for being brave and walking with me.  I know what it takes and appreciate it more than you know.

Really?!?

I realize that my post on Facebook didn't really say much and probably scared everyone.  I was hoping to post that everything was clear.  So my comment just meant that it wasn't.

What I know as of today: I have multiple lesions and swelling in the head.  That is all I know.  As soon as the doctor called Friday night and told us, Jason took the phone in the other room.  They talked about more radiation and chemo.  As I have said before, the chemo I was doing can't break the brain barrier so not sure what kind of chemo that would be.  We see my oncologist (Hahm) Wednesday at 9:15.  We see the radiology oncologist (McGlaughlin) on Thursday at 10:30.  We will know more then.

My spirits are much better today.  Saturday wasn't so good.  Sunday maybe a little worse.  But by Sunday night, I turned a corner.  This shit (excuse my French) is getting old.  I thought I was done.  Apparently not.

A good friend said not to give the Enemy my anger.  I agree with that.  That is what he wants so I will not give it to him.

I heard God tell me with the last mets that I wasn't being loud enough.  I know what that means.  I need to share my story more.  Change more lives.  There is more for me to learn and share.  So I am going to jump right in.  Learn some more.  Research some more.  Pray more.  Meditate more.  Stay more positive (Is that possible?  Really?!?)  We ALWAYS have room for improvement.

I am going to be louder.  If you are sick of hearing about how this or that food is bad for you, just look at me and say "Overload".  But it is time I am louder.  I know I have to present it with grace and calmness.  And I will not be offended because it overwhelms me EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I did decide early Saturday morning that I was going to give myself the weekend to eat whatever I wanted.  I didn't want to think about food more than I wanted to cheat.  But I did take advantage.

When I was pregnant both times, I was sick every single day.  Every day.  So no crazy cravings for me or sending Jason out at all hours for crazy foods.  But Saturday he went to Waffle House after the boys were asleep (in his PJs!) and got me two waffles and hash browns covered and smothered.  It was so good!  Could have eaten more.  Washed it all down with a Golden Monkey Tripel.  Two glasses.  I was feeling it and feeling good.

Sunday I had a cheeseburger Happy Meal and a delicious shake.  Unfortunately by now, my stomach was protesting.  But I was determined to finish out the weekend.  Jason and I went out on a date to Stockyard Burger.  I planned on getting a burger.  But ended up with the chicken kale salad and sweet potato tots and aioli sauce.  Good choice!  My stomach felt better.

What I learned from this food free-for-all is that I was so hungry in between meals.  My green diet was more filling!  Who would have thunk?  Also, food takes much better when it is forbidden.  LOL. When I wasn't supposed to be cheating and would sneak one of the boys' fries, they tasted so much better.  I think it was a good thing I did this.  We hit the ground running this morning and I prepared more mentally than I have been.  It's just food.  IT IS JUST FOOD.

We will be having people over on Thursday night after we find out the game plan.  Around 8:00.  Email me or text me if you are coming!  I will cry, but need some hugs.  It always helps to see my team smiling at me.  And to discuss options and ideas.  I do know this game plan will be kicking a** again.  But much harder this time.  My sister has been training me and my friend, D.  With her and the rest of you, I know we can do it.

Just a reminder to keep all comments, prayers, thoughts positive.  I REALLY, REALLY believe in this.  Do not associate my name with C.  Don't say (and I don't even want to type my name here so will type a fake name) Aoieu's cancer or Aoieu's mets.  I do not take ownership.  It is already on it's way out.

What to pray for?  Complete healing, of course.  But also peace and calmness for me and my boys (Jason is included).

I know that I will need help again once we find out the Game Plan.  I was hoping that my body wouldn't need Rest Time as often, but apparently it does.  I don't have anyone coming on Tuesdays from 2:30 - 5:30.  The first Wednesday of every month, I don' have anyone coming from 1-4.  Let me know if you want to come play with some very adorable boys during those times.

I think I may ask for some meals to be made also.  As most know, preparing meals and doing the dishes used for those meals is very time consuming with boys wanting me to play.  Breaks my heart when I can't.  But my meals are very specific as well as the pots and containers used for said meals.  But more to come on that.

I have always said how much I have felt everyone's love and support.  But this time it was tenfold.  Truthfully.  God it telling me that I am loved and will be okay.  I have a fierce army behind me.  Just thought of something!  We need tattoos that say Dawn's Army!!