Really?!?

I realize that my post on Facebook didn't really say much and probably scared everyone.  I was hoping to post that everything was clear.  So my comment just meant that it wasn't.

What I know as of today: I have multiple lesions and swelling in the head.  That is all I know.  As soon as the doctor called Friday night and told us, Jason took the phone in the other room.  They talked about more radiation and chemo.  As I have said before, the chemo I was doing can't break the brain barrier so not sure what kind of chemo that would be.  We see my oncologist (Hahm) Wednesday at 9:15.  We see the radiology oncologist (McGlaughlin) on Thursday at 10:30.  We will know more then.

My spirits are much better today.  Saturday wasn't so good.  Sunday maybe a little worse.  But by Sunday night, I turned a corner.  This shit (excuse my French) is getting old.  I thought I was done.  Apparently not.

A good friend said not to give the Enemy my anger.  I agree with that.  That is what he wants so I will not give it to him.

I heard God tell me with the last mets that I wasn't being loud enough.  I know what that means.  I need to share my story more.  Change more lives.  There is more for me to learn and share.  So I am going to jump right in.  Learn some more.  Research some more.  Pray more.  Meditate more.  Stay more positive (Is that possible?  Really?!?)  We ALWAYS have room for improvement.

I am going to be louder.  If you are sick of hearing about how this or that food is bad for you, just look at me and say "Overload".  But it is time I am louder.  I know I have to present it with grace and calmness.  And I will not be offended because it overwhelms me EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I did decide early Saturday morning that I was going to give myself the weekend to eat whatever I wanted.  I didn't want to think about food more than I wanted to cheat.  But I did take advantage.

When I was pregnant both times, I was sick every single day.  Every day.  So no crazy cravings for me or sending Jason out at all hours for crazy foods.  But Saturday he went to Waffle House after the boys were asleep (in his PJs!) and got me two waffles and hash browns covered and smothered.  It was so good!  Could have eaten more.  Washed it all down with a Golden Monkey Tripel.  Two glasses.  I was feeling it and feeling good.

Sunday I had a cheeseburger Happy Meal and a delicious shake.  Unfortunately by now, my stomach was protesting.  But I was determined to finish out the weekend.  Jason and I went out on a date to Stockyard Burger.  I planned on getting a burger.  But ended up with the chicken kale salad and sweet potato tots and aioli sauce.  Good choice!  My stomach felt better.

What I learned from this food free-for-all is that I was so hungry in between meals.  My green diet was more filling!  Who would have thunk?  Also, food takes much better when it is forbidden.  LOL. When I wasn't supposed to be cheating and would sneak one of the boys' fries, they tasted so much better.  I think it was a good thing I did this.  We hit the ground running this morning and I prepared more mentally than I have been.  It's just food.  IT IS JUST FOOD.

We will be having people over on Thursday night after we find out the game plan.  Around 8:00.  Email me or text me if you are coming!  I will cry, but need some hugs.  It always helps to see my team smiling at me.  And to discuss options and ideas.  I do know this game plan will be kicking a** again.  But much harder this time.  My sister has been training me and my friend, D.  With her and the rest of you, I know we can do it.

Just a reminder to keep all comments, prayers, thoughts positive.  I REALLY, REALLY believe in this.  Do not associate my name with C.  Don't say (and I don't even want to type my name here so will type a fake name) Aoieu's cancer or Aoieu's mets.  I do not take ownership.  It is already on it's way out.

What to pray for?  Complete healing, of course.  But also peace and calmness for me and my boys (Jason is included).

I know that I will need help again once we find out the Game Plan.  I was hoping that my body wouldn't need Rest Time as often, but apparently it does.  I don't have anyone coming on Tuesdays from 2:30 - 5:30.  The first Wednesday of every month, I don' have anyone coming from 1-4.  Let me know if you want to come play with some very adorable boys during those times.

I think I may ask for some meals to be made also.  As most know, preparing meals and doing the dishes used for those meals is very time consuming with boys wanting me to play.  Breaks my heart when I can't.  But my meals are very specific as well as the pots and containers used for said meals.  But more to come on that.

I have always said how much I have felt everyone's love and support.  But this time it was tenfold.  Truthfully.  God it telling me that I am loved and will be okay.  I have a fierce army behind me.  Just thought of something!  We need tattoos that say Dawn's Army!!