Last Year and This Year

December has been such a great month for us.  I think a lot about the fact that at this time last year, I was finishing up chemo.  I was tired, bald, scared, and sick.  But things are much different this year.

We set up Christmas trees in the boys' rooms.  I told Jack that I had a surprise for him and brought him in his room.


Last year, I was too tired and scared to get excited with my boys.  This year, I got tears in my eyes when I saw this.

Last year, I barely made it to see Santa with the boys.  I was weak, bald, and plagued with hot flashes.  Last year, I really didn't enjoy the experience.  This year, I happily made it and cried (once again) as they sat on his lap.  Because I felt so good, we stayed and rode the Pink Pig.  It was my first time as well as the boys.

Last year, I really wanted to start the tradition of St. Nick.  Last year, I just couldn't get my act together.  This year, we left out our shoes for St. Nick to fill.  (Jack chose his BIG boots.  Smart boy. And then chose Crocs for his little brother.)  This year, I felt more joy than I could handle seeing my sweet boys' faces when they woke up.

Last year, I was stuck in bed and missed a lot of what my boys were doing.  This year, I went outside and was able to capture this adorable moment.

Last year, I really wanted to bake with Jack.  But last year, the smell of food would often send me running to the bathroom.  This year, I baked with my son.  This year, I started a tradition.  (This year, I had some wild morning hair, but last year, I had none so enjoy the morning do!)

Last year, I would be upstairs in my bed crying because I could hear my boys playing and laughing and I couldn't join in.  Last year, I would be upstairs in my bed upset because I would hear my baby crying and I couldn't comfort him.  This year, Jack got his first bloody lip and I was there to hold him and comfort him and give him a popsicle.  Last year, I got blood on my shirt when my port was accessed and it leaked.  This year, I got blood on my shirt while comforting my son.  This is is so much better.

Last year, I was sick, but grateful to be receiving medicine.  This year, I am not sick and grateful to be alive to spend time with my family laughing, crying, and making memories.

Last year, I wasn't able to wish you a Merry Christmas.  This year, I am.

Merry Christmas, My Friends.

Rock and Roll, Baby!

I was pretty excited when one of the half marathons my friend, Kim, chose just happened to be on my birthday.  I immediately said, "Let's do that one!"  A few days later, I realized that was Easter weekend.  I am hoping that friends fly in for the race (even if they are not participating) so that weekend will not work.  So....

We have chosen the Savannah Rock N Roll Half on Nov. 8.  Here is the link: http://runrocknroll.competitor.com/savannah/register?icat=rnr-website_marquee_title&icamp=Register-Now-for-2014

I know that a marathon, or a half marathon, is on a lot of people's Bucket Lists.  Here is your little nudge to think about doing it with us.

My mother is thinking about walking it, some friends of mine, who are novice runners, are thinking about training, and I have friends who said they will not walk or run (hehe), but will come and celebrate with us.

How about you?

Questions Answered

I have had a few questions since my last post.

My father is fine.  He scratched his eczema so bad that he developed an infection that caused his face to swell.  They released him after about 4 hours of an IV, antibiotics, steroids, and some topical cream.

Potty training has been going great.  He has gone number two in the toilet for the past five days.  I hope I am not jinxing myself, but feel we are finally there!  We have been back at work which means being in carpool for 30 minutes, running children to various activities, and no accidents.  We keep joking, though, that we better not get too happy because we have another son we will try this same method on in July.  Anything that was easy with Jack has not been with Charlie.

I am feeling better mentally.  When I wrote my post "Who Are You and What Have You Done With Dawn", I had slowly started feeling better.  Feeling like I was coming out of the fog that is post chemo.  I am not 100%, but not in that bad place.  (Jason may not agree.) :-)

Thank you for your encouragement, sweet comments, hugs, and letting me call you friend.

The Washer Gets a Break

No accidents today.  Not one.  Even with a nap.  I cannot believe this worked.  Well, except for stinks stinks.  Not only did we have one of those today, we had two.  And the second one happened while we were eating dinner and he was running around the island.  Thankfully we started wearing underwear again......

Tomorrow I have two appointments in the morning so Jason will be here on his own with both boys.  He is going to have to watch Jack like a hawk to "catch" him before he stinks.  It should be interesting.

This is a very boring post, but that is a good thing.  After washing tons of sheets and clothes, cleaning up a gallon of urine, and cleaning other things off the floor, today was a nice, easy day.  I am guessing when I come home after being gone for most of the morning, there should be a funny story or two.

To be continued.....

"We tee tee on towels."

During this whole potty training process, I have been talking in third party.  You know, "We tee tee in the potty.  We don't go to the bathroom in our underwear."

Jack woke up from a 2 hour nap dry.  Yipee!  He said he had to go so I ran him to the toilet.  Nothing.  We started playing trains.  He went a little so I ran him back to the toilet.  Nothing.  I grabbed a washcloth to clean up the urine.  Charlie is being VERY fussy and trying to crawl into my lap while I am trying to take care of this.  I hear a sound that sounds very much like a stream of urine and look up and Jack is standing right next to me going to the bathroom.  Luck was on my side because his stream went right on top of the washcloth I had left on the floor.  Charlie is still whining and I am just staring at Jack not believing what I am seeing and I just start laughing.  What else is there to do?  And my sweet little boy looked at me like an angel and said (very proud of himself I might add), "We tee tee on towels, Mommy!"

Maybe Tequila will help.....

Potty Training Day 3

I am on my own today.  We got a call from the home where my father is and he needed to go to the hospital with an infection.  Jason left at 8 to go get him.  We are also having our backyard renovated, so today is going to be crazy trying to potty train.

With this method, you have to stay attached to your child.  Your aim is to "catch" him when he is about to go and run him to the toilet.  Being positive is key and you don't ask him if they have to go.  You remind them to tell you when they have to go all. day. long.  I will try to recreate my morning so far.....

"Are you dry?"  "Good boy!"

"Tell mommy when you have to go to the bathroom."

"Are you dry?"  "Good boy!"

"Charlie, I can't hold you the whole morning."

"Mommy, I have to go!"  I pick him up and see there is already a puddle on the ground.  Run him to the toilet.  No more.  "Thank you for telling me!"  (Must keep smiling.  Must keep smiling.)  Clean up urine.

Phone rings.  It is Jason giving me an update on my father.  Charlie is crying.  I am trying to watch Jack for signs of bathroom activity.

Landscaping company is trying to get my attention through the door because they have a question for me.  I listen, while watching Jack, and try to answer their questions.  Charlie is trying to escape out the door.

"Mommy, I have to go!"  Put Charlie down, who starts crying, grab Jack and run to the bathroom.  He goes in the toilet!  "Good job, buddy!"  High fives and I give him a Skittle.

Charlie is whining.  I pick him up.  I give him some milk and am able to put him down.

"I have a runny nose!"  Did I mention his nose is running like crazy?  Grab tissue, wipe his nose.

"I have to go!"  I run and get him and put my hand right in urine that is running down his leg.  Run him to the toilet to let him finish.  Clean up urine.

The phone is ringing, but it is going to have ring.

"I have a runny nose!"  Grab tissue, wipe nose.

Is it too early for a beer?

I put Charlie down for a nap and take a deep breath.  It is only 10 am.  Now I can concentrate on Jack.  He tells me he has to go 3 separate times, but nothing happens.  The 4th time, he goes!  Cheers, high fives, give a Skittle.

I figure since he just went, I have ten minutes to clean up our mess from breakfast.  I am emptying the dishwasher and I hear, "Mommy, I went stink stink on the floor!"

Insert the sound of a beer opening....

Potty Training Day 2

We woke up Sunday and had breakfast.  I would love to say that we started off with no accidents and the day was great.  We had many more accidents and 2 times in the toilet.  We decided to call someone to celebrate his going in the potty.  I asked him who he wanted to call and he said, "Fireman Sam!"  (His birthday party yesterday was at the Fire Museum.)  I called my friend whose husband is a fireman, but no answer.  So I called my sister and asked if Fireman Sam was there.  My brother-in-law got on the phone and played a perfect Fireman Sam.  Jack was very excited and loved having him tell him how proud he was of him.

The next time he went in the toilet, I asked him who he wanted to call this time.  Nana?  Grandma?  No, he wanted Fireman Sam again.  I called my BIL, but he didn't answer.  I called my sister and she was feeding my niece and my BIL was in the backyard.  So I asked her to use a deep voice.  I am laughing typing this.  It was awesome.  She lowered her voice as much as she could and talked to Jack as Fireman Sam.  I was laughing so hard.  Jack thought he was talking to Fireman Sam and was smiling the whole time.

It wasn't a perfect day, but right when I started getting frustrated and wondering if he just wasn't ready, he would go in the toilet.  Beer was opened and we celebrated too!

Night 2 - Jack woke up at 12:30 with wet PJs.  We changed him, his sheets, and put him back to bed.  He made it all the way until 8 and was dry!

Potty Training Day 1

Jack had a birthday party on Saturday, so we didn't start until he woke up from his nap.  We brought him downstairs and fed him lunch.  We then told him it was time to give his diapers to Charlie because he was a big boy now.

We then put underwear on him and told him that he was a big boy and big boys go in the toilet.  Look at that face!

And then the fun began.  According to the method, we asked him a hundred times if he was dry.  Then congratulated him when he was.  He would say he was dry and we would cheer.  But he would say he was dry even if he was wet.  Soiled underwear was stacking up in the washer.  Then he started saying he had to go right after he had gone in his pants.  I was encouraged by that.  Things were starting to click.

After the 7th pair of soiled underwear, we decided to try going commando.  He would go, and after he went on himself, he would tell us he had to go.  Ugghh.  And just when I was questioning this method, he told me had to go, I swooped him up, and ran him to the toilet.  Who knew a long, steady stream of urine would excited you so much?!

He had a couple more accidents after that, but he did keep telling us he had to go.  So I was encouraged.  And we had one more successful run to the toilet.

Night 1 - We read a story and tried to go to the bathroom.  We read another book and sat down again.  Nothing.  We brushed our teeth and he went on himself, standing up, on the stool, brushing his teeth, with me right next to him.  Really?!

We put him to bed and around 11:30, he called me.  He had gone to the bathroom on himself.  We changed him and his sheets and put him back to bed.  At 6:30, he called again.  We changed him, his sheets, and put him back to bed.  He slept until 10 and was dry when he woke up!  We cheered and gave him a Skittle (it is amazing how that little piece of candy is such a reward for him!).

And we began the fun again....

Potty Training Boot Camp

We have collected all the supplies, we have been talking about it for a week, and when Jack wakes up from his nap, we are starting potty training boot camp.

We have tons of underwear (which are the cutest darn things),

candy and new toy rewards,

and, most importantly, treats for mommy and daddy.

Wish us luck!

What Was That?

I was outside last week and I literally stopped walking because I felt something that was vaguely familiar, but couldn't put my finger on what it was.  And then I realized what it was and couldn't stop smiling.  My hair was blowing in the wind!

And two days a ago, I actually tucked my hair behind my ear.  Now, it looked pretty silly, but it tucked!

It is the little things.....

Who Are You and What Have You Done With Dawn?

Most common side effects of Herceptin in breast cancer patients:

• Fever
• Nausea
• Vomiting
• Infusion reactions
• Diarrhea
• Infections
• Increased cough
• Headache
• Fatigue
• Shortness of breath
• Rash
• Low white and red blood cell counts
• Muscle pain
• Heart problems

The most common side effects caused by tamoxifen are hot flashes; vaginal dryness, discharge, or irritation; and decreased interest in sex. These side effects are not usually serious, but they can be bothersome.

Other side effects are rare but are more dangerous. These include:

• Overgrowth of the lining of the uterus (endometrial hyperplasia) and cancer of the lining of the uterus (endometrial cancer).
• An increased risk of blood clots in the legs (deep vein thrombosis) and the lungs(pulmonary embolism). Changes in the blood's ability to clot have been reported in patients receiving tamoxifen.
• A small increased chance of stroke.
• Ovarian cysts.
• An increased risk of cataract formation and the need for surgery for cataracts.

This is the information I was finding about 3 months ago when I was researching the drugs I was taking.  What I was desperately trying to find was RAVING B%$#@#.  I really tried hard to find it.  I tried hard to find it because I needed a reason why I was not myself.  Why I was constantly yelling at my husband and not being very  nice in general.  But no raving b%$#@# was to be found.

If the drugs I was on was causing me to act this way, it would be a lot easier to forgive myself and try to figure out how to stop and go back to being the old Dawn.

But they weren't.  So for a couple of days I tried to figure it all out.  Did cancer make me a b@#$%?  Was this the new me now?  I tried really hard to figure it all out, but I couldn't.  If I didn't know why I was acting like this, how was I to stop it?

I started talking to friends.  I talked to my counselor.  I talked to my oncologist.  And they all said it was expected and normal after the year I have had.  But I didn't like that.  I would hear the words coming out of my mouth and try to stop them, but they would still come out.  I would tell myself not to get on Jason when he came home, but I did.  I couldn't stop it.  

Besides being mean, I was also crying a lot.  I would literally be thinking how annoying my husband was and within five minutes, I would be thinking what a wonderful man, father, and husband he is and start crying.  

When I saw that in myself, I think that started the process of fixing this mess.  That just wasn't normal.  

My oncologist gave me a prescription for Effexor.  She said that her patients deal with this.  Patients are so strong during treatment and then there is this let down of emotions when it is all over.  When I got home, I looked it up.  It is for depression and anxiety.  I am not a pill taker.  They scare me.  Especially the side effects.  I am already taking one for the next ten years and wished I wasn't.  So I am not going to fill this one, BUT I will hold onto it.  

I am slowly crawling out of this hole I am in.  I have good days and I have bad days.  Just a couple weeks ago, my friend said I was looking good, I was looking so skinny.  (When I was younger, I was made fun of for being skinny so it is a hot word for me.  But I have gotten over that and know that people are giving me a compliment when they say it.)  Well, I kind of blew up at her and said something along the lines that skinny was bad, etc.  I saw her face. I hurt her feelings.  And even though I saw it, I couldn't say anything to fix it.  But for the rest of the week, I thought and thought about it.  I thought about why I reacted that way.  I thought about why I just didn't say thank you?  It made me realize again that I am not myself.

But I don't think that is an excuse.  It is a reason, but not an excuse.  We all have stuff going on in our lives.  ALL OF US.  That doesn't give us a right to be mean or cut people down.  My fear is that I would say something that a friend or family member couldn't forget.  How horrible would that be?

I have been saying a prayer every morning to be a better person.  To leave people smiling, not shaking their head wondering who the raving lunatic was in my body.  I need to accept that I am a different person.  I am now a mother of 2 and a survivor.  I want that to mean I am a better person than I was a year ago.  

A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars.
Carly Simon 

I wonder how other post-chemo patients are dealing with all these emotions.  I can't be the only raving lunatic out there, can I? 

First Race Post Chemo

On October 12, Jason was out of town, I had our wonderful sitter come at 6:30 am, and I ran my first race since being diagnosed with cancer.  It was around the Marietta Square and it was for breast cancer.  My breast (yes, that is spelled that way on purpose) friend, Traci, was the leader of our crazy team and we had a blast.  She made me a tutu and I ran the whole 5K in it.

One of my friends asked me, after reading my last post, why I wasn't going to run races for breast cancer.  I don't believe I said that.  I just said that I am going to make it a point to run races for other diseases besides breast cancer also.  Of course, I will donate and raise awareness.  But besides doing all that, I want to raise awareness for other diseases.

I have started meeting with other survivors once a month so we can vent and talk about how we are feeling with other woman who have been through chemo and the craziness.  I am the only breast cancer survivor.  Through tears, my friend said that it was so frustrating trying to get help because she didn't have the "glorified" disease called breast cancer.  That is when my way of thinking began.  I had so much help.  I had places to go for wigs.  I got free make up and guidance on how to put it on once my eyebrows fall out.  I got tons of free stuff because I had breast cancer.  She was dealing with lymphoma and dealing with it without all the help I got.

It shouldn't be that way.  We both could have died from our diseases.  We both were scared.  We both had to go through chemo.  We both lost all the hair on our bodies.  But she didn't get the same great help I did.  But she should have.

Again, we should share the love.  So I will run races for all diseases.  1 down, how many more to go?

My friend, Kim, and I are running in a half on April 19th.  That just happens to be my birthday so I am super excited.  We think it would be great to get a whole bunch of friends to run with us.  When I ran my first one in 2007, it was because one of my student's little brother was diagnosed with leukemia.  And one of my best friends had been killed in a car accident.  So I ran for both of them.  I ran it with Team and Training and raised money for blood cancers.  I had thought about running one, but just needed a little push.  So here is your push.  Who wants to do it with us?

http://www.active.com/cumming-ga/running/georgia-peach-jam-half-marathon-and-5k-2014?

Pay It Forward, Breast Cancer Awareness Month

For ten days now, I have been bombarded by pink.  Pink ribbons, pink T-shirts, pink socks, pink drawings on car windows, etc, etc, etc.  It seems like every store is asking if you want to donate to breast cancer research before they tell you your total.  I was even asked if I wanted to donate to current patients.  I wanted to scream, "I am a patient!"  I feel that it is all a little too much.

Everyone knows what the pink ribbon means.  Everyone knows that this disease is horrible.  Everyone knows that early detection is KEY.  Everyone knows to check your breasts once a month.  Everyone knows about breast cancer.  Everyone knows.

There have been walks and runs and fundraisers that raised billions of dollars for research and to build awareness.  A disease that was once new and unknown is now up front and in our faces.

Did you know that breast cancer isn't the leading cause of deaths in the United States?  All cancers are lumped together and it is still second.  Breast cancer is second of all cancers.  Yet it is all we hear about.

Number of deaths for leading causes of death

• Heart disease: 597,689
• Cancer: 574,743
• Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 138,080
• Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 129,476
• Accidents (unintentional injuries): 120,859
• Alzheimer's disease: 83,494
• Diabetes: 69,071
• Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome, and nephrosis: 50,476
• Influenza and Pneumonia: 50,097
• Intentional self-harm (suicide): 38,364

Source: Deaths: Final Data for 2010, table 10  [PDF - 3.1 MB]

Because of all the money and awareness in the US, I am alive today to write about this.  I am very grateful.  Without someone pushing for awareness and research, and October being breast cancer month, we wouldn't know as much as we do about breast cancer.

But don't you think it is time we moved all that energy onto the other horrible diseases that are out there?  Is there any more awareness needed for breast cancer?  

So I am going to pay it forward and run races for other diseases besides breast cancer.  I will run them as a breast cancer survivor, but will run them to spread awareness of their ugliness.  I want them in your face as much as breast cancer is today.  I am going to try to be that someone who pushes like someone did for breast cancer.  

I think October should be Horrible Disease Awareness Month.  Okay, maybe that wouldn't take off with a name like that, but you get my point.  Every day, bring into light another horrible disease that needs our help.  I believe we can spread out and help other diseases while continuing to "Fight For The Cure".

I have a friend who has a niece with Epidermolysis Bullosa (EB).  Have you ever heard of it?  I dare you to read about it and not ache for that little girl within five minutes.  

http://www.butterflywishesforellie.com/ 

I want to run for Ellie.  I want to raise money to bring awareness to her horrible condition.  No one should have to go through what she goes through on a daily basis.  I want to run to fight for her and get EB to the level of breast cancer.  The level of saving lives and lessening the symptoms like mine were lessened.  And the level where everybody is as knowledgeable on EB as they are on breast cancer.

I have another friend who lost her son to Ornithine Transcarbamylase (OTC).  Have you ever heard of it?  Walker stayed in the hospital for 19 days until he passed away.  My heart also aches for my friend.  To never bring your son home.  To only hold him among other people and wires and tubes.  I am not an expert (hence my point), but it is a genetic disease.  If they had gotten tested before, they could have prevented it.  But where is the awareness for that?  (This month is Infant Loss Month.  I wasn't aware?  Were you?)

http://www.healthline.com/galecontent/ornithine-transcarbamylase-deficiency#definition

I want to run for Walker.  I want to raise money for his terrible disease.  No one should have to go through what that family did.  I want to run to fight for him and get OTC to the level of breast cancer. The level of saving lives and lessening the symptoms like mine were lessened.  And the level where everyone is as knowledgeable on OTC as they are on breast cancer. 

My friend, Traci, is a fighter for breast cancer.  Always was.  Then she was diagnosed and now fights even harder.  

http://www.adventuresoftraci.blogspot.com/

There will always be people fighting for this disease.  I am going to let them continue to fight and save lives affected by breast cancer.  People like Traci helped save my life.

Now it is time for me to take that life that was saved, pay it forward, and save some lives dealing with other horrible diseases.

I guess it is time for me to hit the trails.  Who wants to join me?

My shoelaces for Ellie

Get Me In Your Box!

After chatting with James from MailChimp for about an hour, I finally added a place for you to sign up to receive emails when I post.

Over on the right is a place for you to enter your
email.  Every time I post, you will receive it in
your inbox.

See you in your box!

Bye, Bye, Third Boob

Last Monday, September 23, I had (hopefully!) my last surgery due to breast cancer.  I had a port that had been in my body for a year.  As I continued to lose weight, it continued to protrude more and more to where I called it my third boob.  I joked about it, but Jack confirmed it for me.  The first time we put on swimsuits this summer, I was holding him.  He "grabbed" my port and said, "Mommy's chi chi!"  (That is what we call the breasts in our house.)  I explained, "No, Sweetie, that is my port."  He got upset and said more emphatically, "No!  Mommy's chi chi."  And so it was.

                                                       

My port outside my body.

I am so mad that I didn't take pictures of it sticking out of my chest before they took it out.  I thought about it for 3 days before, but knew I would be waiting around at the hospital before surgery and that seemed like the perfect time to do it.  I guess my nerves got the best of me.

We arrived at the hospital at 9.  My surgery was scheduled for 10:40.  We waited in a pre-op room.  For the past year, I didn't not need any IVs because of my port.  My port was mainly for chemo.  But when I ended up in the ER, they accessed my port to take blood.  Kind of nice.  So I had my first IV in over a year.  My arms do not like IVs.  But this one wasn't bad.

They wheeled me back around 10:30 and I started shaking.  I really don't like being put under.  I started asking questions to try to calm my nerves.  They gave me some meds in my IV and everything started spinning.  I closed my eyes and tried not to think too much.  I just began to wonder when I would "fall asleep" and that was the last thing I remember.

I woke up in a recovery hall.  It is a big square with desks and activity going on in the middle.  I was given some anti-naseau medicine and some ice chips.  I was back there for about 30 minutes.  Then I was wheeled back to a room and my wonderful husband.

We were released about an hour later.  I wasn't supposed to lift anything for a week.  Not easy with 2 little boys.  I didn't run or do sit-ups or do lunges or do any other exercises.

But tomorrow I am going running.  I am done not doing things because of cancer.  I am going to go running any time I feel like it because my body is on the mend.  I will drink beer whenever I want because I can and it finally tastes good again.  I will go and get manis and pedis without worrying about my low immune system and possible infection.  I will wake up every morning knowing that there is no more chemo or surgeries or multiple doctor's appointments in a week.  I am ready to start doing.

So, Bye, Bye, third boob and Hello, Life-With-Two-Boobs again.  I have missed you.

Bye, Bye, Nuts

I was planning on writing about my surgery that took place on Monday.  But today I am just angry.

We found out Wednesday that Charlie is allergic to nuts.  Pretty severely too.  My first thought was, "Hasn't our family had enough?"  This means a life change.  A life change that I do not want to make

Jason is always telling me to not let the boys play on dirty floors.  Don't let them play in the bushes.  Don't let them outside with all the mosquitoes.  And although I know he has a point, I just don't worry about that stuff.  We all survived it, so will my boys.

But now I have to be that mom that is constantly worrying about what he is putting in his mouth.  When we go to other people's houses, I will have to watch him like a hawk to make sure he isn't near nuts.  I will be always reading food labels.  When his classmates bring in cupcakes to celebrate birthdays, he will not be able to have one.  (Cross contamination is big in bakeries.)  I now have to send in snacks for him to eat every day he is at school.  And did I mention the worrying?  Just today, we were driving to work and he started coughing and I am freaking out that he is having an allergic reaction.  I was about to pull off the interstate, but then he started laughing with his brother.  How many more stomach drops and mad thinking of how to get to the Epipen?

Uggh.  I am just mad.

There is a website for children with allergies.  There are fundraisers and walks and more information than we probably need.  But that made me mad too.  Another cause that affected my family.

%$#%^&*!!!!!

I haven't really gotten mad at cancer.  Not sure what that means, but for whatever reason, I'm haven't.  But I am about this.  Maybe it is because IT is messing with my child.  Momma Bear is coming out.  I was hoping that after the year I have had, and everything I had to endure, no one close to me would have to deal with any sickness.

I think I just heard God laugh.  I know, I know.  That is not the way that it works.  But it should.

I am going to allow myself to be angry today. Tomorrow I will pull up my big girl - I kicked cancer's a@# - this is nothing but a thing - panties and deal with this.

But today I am angry because my surgery on Monday was supposed to be the symbolic end to a year filled with doctors and worries.

God is still laughing up there.  But he is there.  So I know we will be okay and Charlie will be okay. I will find a way to raise my head above this new speed bump.

Time to get off this computer because I only have 2 hours and 40 minutes to be angry...

Last Treatment

A week ago today, I had my last treatment.  A year ago today, I had my first treatment.

It has been a weird week for me.  Although I was excited to finish my last treatment, there are so many more emotions whirling around in my head.  More on that later...

My routine, on the day of treatments, has always gone like this:

Park my car.  Go up the elevator.  Sign in.  Sit down and wait.  (Usually for a long time.)  Get called back.  Stand on a scale.  Go into a small room.  Get my blood pressure and temperature taken.  Asked my name and birthdate.  The lab tech puts on my name band that has my DOB and sulfur because I am allergic to it.  She accesses my port and draws blood.  She closes off the flow.  Puts a Tegaderm Film over my port and clips the tubing onto my shirt.  And I walk back to the infusion (or chemo) room.

I sit in a chair and do some more waiting.  They have to check my numbers and make sure everything is good before starting chemo.  I have had to wait for 30 minutes before.  So frustrating.  When the blood work comes back, then they mix up my cocktail (chemo) for the day.  Once that is ready, they connect it to the tube that is now coming out of my port and I get comfortable.

Since I have only been doing Herceptin, this only takes about 35 minutes.  But sometimes I am there for 3 hours because of all the waiting.

On Monday, Jack went to school and Charlie and I had our first music class at 10:30.  My appointment was at 8 so I was nervous about making it.  It must have been my lucky day because I was receiving the Herceptin by 9:00.  I was going to make it and have some time to spare.

Around 9:25, MaryLea came by to chat.  She is one of my favorite nurses and her parents used to live on my street.  While talking, she looked down and said, "Something is dripping on the floor."  Turns out that the person who hooked me up, didn't even hook me up and the medicine had been dripping onto the floor instead of into me!

This caused all kinds of commotion.  Besides the fact that my medicines are VERY expensive and it was now wasted on the floor, chemo is a harsh drug.  Herceptin isn't as bad, but they had to wheel me and my chair out of the way, put on protective gear, spray with bleach and other stuff, and would probably have tons of paperwork to fill out afterwards.

My Wonderful Nurse, Valerie, and Her Hazmat Outfit

Wheeled Away From the Others

And all I was thinking was that I wasn't going to make it to music.  They quickly mixed up another batch and I got to sit some more.  I was done at 10:10, hugged everyone goodbye, ran to my car, drove to my house, grabbed Charlie, and we were only about 4 minutes late to music.

I went through the rest of my day trying to figure out how I was feeling.  Of course, excited and happy that I am done.  But also scared.  While on chemo, I had a sense of safety.  What happens now that there isn't poison in my body to scare any would-be cancer cells away?  Scared to be happy.  Scared that if I let my guard down, the other shoe will drop.  There are so many books about fighting cancer and what patients are feeling.  People talk about being positive and how you will physically be challenged.  No one really talks about the sh*# that comes after treatment.  Because now I am supposed to live life and be happy that I am a survivor.  Right?  I won!  Be happy!  And, I am, but there is just so much more there.

One week ago, I had my last treatment.  One year ago, I had my first treatment and I think I am just as scared now as I was then.

Things a Cancer Survivor Gets To Do

Have you heard those radio commercials.  I think it is for Wellstar.  It talks about the things that cancer survivors get to do when they beat cancer.  The two I have heard are "playing hide and seek with your kids" and "teaching your child how to shoot a basketball".  I have been thinking about that these past few weeks.

One year ago today, I was holding my beautiful, yummy, newborn son.  I got to hold him and love him and smell him.  Something I got to do as a survivor.

We celebrated his first birthday on Saturday (because it was written in our marriage contract that no plans will be made during college football season).  We did The Very Hungry Caterpillar theme.  It was simple and sweet.  Something else I got to do as a survivor.

Cupcake caterpillar by mom and dad

Caterpillar with pictures from newborn to 11 months

Smash cake by mom and dad

Graphics done by Judy!

Food from the book

Cake by McEntyre's

Last minute addition - cute pipe cleaner caterpillars!

Lollipops from Oriental Trading and stickers by http://mcshanedesign.com/

I took Jack to his first day of school yesterday.  I didn't get to do that last year because I was in the hospital.  I was also able to take Charlie to his first day of school today.  I was very aware of the fact that I could not be here to do that.  But I am and I loved it.

I will get to see Charlie take his first steps.  I will hear him say his first words.  I will get to hear about everything that Jack has learned at school when I pick him up.  More things I get to do as a survivor.

Three weeks ago, I went to the beach with my family and my sister's family.  We did not grow up going on vacation, but my sister and I have always talked about doing an annual trip together.  This year we started that tradition and it was a pretty perfect week.  Seeing something you talked about and dreamed about come true - yet another thing I got to do as a survivor.

Tonight, my sweet family of four sang happy birthday to Charlie and ate cupcakes.  Things I have dreamed about and cancer tried to take away from me.  But it didn't and this survivor got to enjoy it.  Jason gave Charlie a kiss goodnight and said, "Happy Birthday, Sweet Boy.  Thank you for coming into our lives."  As I was walking up the stairs to put him to sleep, I was crying.  Yes, something else this survivor gets to do - to live a life that gives me heart smiles and tears at the same time.  I am one lucky girl.