Last Year and This Year

December has been such a great month for us.  I think a lot about the fact that at this time last year, I was finishing up chemo.  I was tired, bald, scared, and sick.  But things are much different this year.

We set up Christmas trees in the boys' rooms.  I told Jack that I had a surprise for him and brought him in his room.


Last year, I was too tired and scared to get excited with my boys.  This year, I got tears in my eyes when I saw this.

Last year, I barely made it to see Santa with the boys.  I was weak, bald, and plagued with hot flashes.  Last year, I really didn't enjoy the experience.  This year, I happily made it and cried (once again) as they sat on his lap.  Because I felt so good, we stayed and rode the Pink Pig.  It was my first time as well as the boys.

Last year, I really wanted to start the tradition of St. Nick.  Last year, I just couldn't get my act together.  This year, we left out our shoes for St. Nick to fill.  (Jack chose his BIG boots.  Smart boy. And then chose Crocs for his little brother.)  This year, I felt more joy than I could handle seeing my sweet boys' faces when they woke up.

Last year, I was stuck in bed and missed a lot of what my boys were doing.  This year, I went outside and was able to capture this adorable moment.

Last year, I really wanted to bake with Jack.  But last year, the smell of food would often send me running to the bathroom.  This year, I baked with my son.  This year, I started a tradition.  (This year, I had some wild morning hair, but last year, I had none so enjoy the morning do!)

Last year, I would be upstairs in my bed crying because I could hear my boys playing and laughing and I couldn't join in.  Last year, I would be upstairs in my bed upset because I would hear my baby crying and I couldn't comfort him.  This year, Jack got his first bloody lip and I was there to hold him and comfort him and give him a popsicle.  Last year, I got blood on my shirt when my port was accessed and it leaked.  This year, I got blood on my shirt while comforting my son.  This is is so much better.

Last year, I was sick, but grateful to be receiving medicine.  This year, I am not sick and grateful to be alive to spend time with my family laughing, crying, and making memories.

Last year, I wasn't able to wish you a Merry Christmas.  This year, I am.

Merry Christmas, My Friends.