I had a CT scan today. Dr. Khalid wants one done every 2 weeks to monitor the biggest lesion (the one causing my vertigo) closely. I went to his office to get the results and waited for almost 2 hours. The kept me informed the the doctor was at the hospital. Finally asked if I could go home. Could they call me with the results? They said yes. Didn't hear for them. Will call tomorrow (Tuesday).
I go on Friday for my second round of chemo. Please continue visualizing those lesions shrinking and going away.
We are getting closer and closer to making a decision about our next step. It looks like Mexico. The question is where? Mañana? Hope4cancer.com? Somewhere else? It means at least 3 weeks away from my family. But I have to keep telling myself, "When this works, it will be worth it." And then there is the money. Insurance does not pay for this. We have gotten numbers ranging from $5000 to $30,000. From day one, we have been advised to start a GoFundMe page. For some reason, Jason and myself can't pull the trigger. But we have already had friends and family say that is how they can help. "Please let us help." UGH
The goal here, of course, is for me to live to 90. We will need to keep as much savings as we can so we can live comfortably once I am completely healed.
My vertigo has gotten a little better. I am not sure if I am just adapting or it really is getting better. Either way, I am better. And I started driving! That has been so good for my spirit. I will stay away from the highway and night driving, but drive around town. Don't worry, you are safe, my friends!
Please continue your meditations and whatever you see that are getting those lesions. I have actually been sending hugs and love. Give anger, you will get anger. Give love, and you will get loved.
I know I have said it before, but your love and support mean the world to me. Thank you.
#fancer
Monday, August 29, 2016
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Crawling Out
I can't believe it has been more than 2 weeks since we found out that the lesions have doubled. I was in a bad place. Really bad. In the four years since this journey has begun, I have never been that low. My family was freaking out. Their normal fighter looked like she had given up. I had not. I just was in a place I had never been before and need new tools to navigate it.
I quickly realized that I was holding onto the hope of a medical miracle. But man cannot do that. Only God. I quickly switched my thinking and I instantly felt better. Man cannot tell me when I am done. But my doctors were doing just that. "We are being positive that this new chemo will shrink the lesions. But. BUT...it is time to have the talk." NOOOOOOOO! I was told to go home and have the hard talks. Do I want to be hooked up to machines if it goes down that road? Do I want to be revived?" No. No. No. No. No. No.
Breath. Breath. I felt the room shrink. I felt punched in the gut. I was going to be sick. And then I wanted to punch something. It was not fun.
I went home and wallowed for about two days straight. Really wallowed. I was alone and I broke down. I was bawling and screaming, "I am not done yet! I am not done yet! My boys need me! Jason needs me! I need to be here to see this family grow in strength and faith. I am not done. I am not done!" That went on for a long time.
In hindsight, I think it was the best thing I could have done. I warned my family that was what I was going to do for two days. BUT THAT I WAS NOT GIVING UP. Just was exhausted and needed a break from everything.
But I have a foothold and I starting to crawl out.
About three months ago, I started getting dizzy. It seemed liked every day it was getting worse. But that is a side effect of chemo. Turns out we now know why. I have a lesion that is pressing on the 4th ventricle in the brain which is prohibiting fluid from flowing normally back and forth. I have HORRIBLE vertigo. It is like walking around with a blanket that makes everything foggy. If I turn to fast one way, everything spins. I would rather have a bone sticking out that this. You can't shake it. It is a constant reminder that you are sick. We are hoping the chemo shrinks that lesions (quickly!) so this can be alleviated.
I started my new chemo - Kadcyla - Aug. 12. I will go every 3 weeks. Once drugs are mixed, it should take 1 hour. But that usually means two hours by the time you check-in, access veins, and the drugs are mixed. They can't mix drugs until you are in chair and ready.
We saw a new doctor, Dr. Ahmad Khalid, and he said if the lesion does not shrink, a shunt can be put it. NO!! I don't need another hole in my head. Send good, positive thoughts to my brain stem and picture shrinkage. Then picture the lesion sliding down my spine and going into the Earth. The Earth will take it and get rid of it and make sure it doesn't hurt anyone else.
A lot of you have told me how much you like meditating. Please continue to do so. Picture white light going into my brain/head, grabbing those lesions, going down my spine, and into the Earth. Over and over again. Text me if you can and I will join you. It worked that first time. Why I stopped, I am not sure? But it is time to look back and do what worked before. Bring out the Dooziers, the Superheroes, bombs, etc. Whatever you see when you close your eyes! I am ready to receive whatever you send my way.
My team has been researching and talking to people who have done alternative treatments. We are leaning towards Mexico. We all agree that something new has to be done. This good news/bad news is exhausting. How about some good news that lasts forever?!?
Here is someone we are considering:
http://mananashealinghouse.blogspot.com
There are other places in Mexico we are also considering. Send any suggestions you might have...
It will mean me going for a whole month. Which, as you can imagine, is a huge undertaking with 2 small kids to get childcare for while Daddy works. But I think it is time I am selfish and take care of me. And only me. And finally get healthy! I would be working on my body, mind, soul, grievances, past hurts, and letting go of anger. It will be intense, but makes sense, right? Mañana would literally wait on me 24/7, feeding me herbs from the earth, lots and lots of healing tea, being my therapist, making me sleep, making me dig deep and release everything once and for all, and just love on me.
As a human, it is hard not to feel like I am just being selfish. But why do we think taking care of ourselves is selfish? We should all take care of ourself every day like that. I know I am going to get comments and people who don't agree, but that is what I have to learn - trust my gut and do it!
I quickly realized that I was holding onto the hope of a medical miracle. But man cannot do that. Only God. I quickly switched my thinking and I instantly felt better. Man cannot tell me when I am done. But my doctors were doing just that. "We are being positive that this new chemo will shrink the lesions. But. BUT...it is time to have the talk." NOOOOOOOO! I was told to go home and have the hard talks. Do I want to be hooked up to machines if it goes down that road? Do I want to be revived?" No. No. No. No. No. No.
Breath. Breath. I felt the room shrink. I felt punched in the gut. I was going to be sick. And then I wanted to punch something. It was not fun.
I went home and wallowed for about two days straight. Really wallowed. I was alone and I broke down. I was bawling and screaming, "I am not done yet! I am not done yet! My boys need me! Jason needs me! I need to be here to see this family grow in strength and faith. I am not done. I am not done!" That went on for a long time.
In hindsight, I think it was the best thing I could have done. I warned my family that was what I was going to do for two days. BUT THAT I WAS NOT GIVING UP. Just was exhausted and needed a break from everything.
But I have a foothold and I starting to crawl out.
About three months ago, I started getting dizzy. It seemed liked every day it was getting worse. But that is a side effect of chemo. Turns out we now know why. I have a lesion that is pressing on the 4th ventricle in the brain which is prohibiting fluid from flowing normally back and forth. I have HORRIBLE vertigo. It is like walking around with a blanket that makes everything foggy. If I turn to fast one way, everything spins. I would rather have a bone sticking out that this. You can't shake it. It is a constant reminder that you are sick. We are hoping the chemo shrinks that lesions (quickly!) so this can be alleviated.
I started my new chemo - Kadcyla - Aug. 12. I will go every 3 weeks. Once drugs are mixed, it should take 1 hour. But that usually means two hours by the time you check-in, access veins, and the drugs are mixed. They can't mix drugs until you are in chair and ready.
We saw a new doctor, Dr. Ahmad Khalid, and he said if the lesion does not shrink, a shunt can be put it. NO!! I don't need another hole in my head. Send good, positive thoughts to my brain stem and picture shrinkage. Then picture the lesion sliding down my spine and going into the Earth. The Earth will take it and get rid of it and make sure it doesn't hurt anyone else.
A lot of you have told me how much you like meditating. Please continue to do so. Picture white light going into my brain/head, grabbing those lesions, going down my spine, and into the Earth. Over and over again. Text me if you can and I will join you. It worked that first time. Why I stopped, I am not sure? But it is time to look back and do what worked before. Bring out the Dooziers, the Superheroes, bombs, etc. Whatever you see when you close your eyes! I am ready to receive whatever you send my way.
My team has been researching and talking to people who have done alternative treatments. We are leaning towards Mexico. We all agree that something new has to be done. This good news/bad news is exhausting. How about some good news that lasts forever?!?
Here is someone we are considering:
http://mananashealinghouse.blogspot.com
There are other places in Mexico we are also considering. Send any suggestions you might have...
It will mean me going for a whole month. Which, as you can imagine, is a huge undertaking with 2 small kids to get childcare for while Daddy works. But I think it is time I am selfish and take care of me. And only me. And finally get healthy! I would be working on my body, mind, soul, grievances, past hurts, and letting go of anger. It will be intense, but makes sense, right? Mañana would literally wait on me 24/7, feeding me herbs from the earth, lots and lots of healing tea, being my therapist, making me sleep, making me dig deep and release everything once and for all, and just love on me.
As a human, it is hard not to feel like I am just being selfish. But why do we think taking care of ourselves is selfish? We should all take care of ourself every day like that. I know I am going to get comments and people who don't agree, but that is what I have to learn - trust my gut and do it!
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Sister Dulce
I asked in my last post if anyone had anything, ANYTHING, that they thought we might try or stop. That one thing we were missing to get rid of this, no evidence of disease, complete healing. I had one response: Go see Sister Dulce. We researched. Jason researched. We talked to someone who had gone to see her. Jason sent an email and the next day we received confirmation that they have received it and would be contacting us soon. Fast forward and we have an appointment five days later (there was a cancellation) in Baton Rouge!
We figured out who was watching the boys, made plans, and headed out Wednesday at 3:15. Road trips without children are so different. We actually talked and laughed. It was nice. By the end of the drive, we were signing at the tops of our lungs to 70s music.
Because of traffic, we rolled into our hotel around midnight. Literally hung up our clothes, changed, and crashed into bed.
Front desk called with a wake-up call at 8:00. I brought all my stuff so made butternut squash and eggs. Jason went downstairs for the free continental breakfast and coffee. Showers were taken. Bags backed and we were out the door at 9:15. We were less than 10 miles from Sister Dulce's and ran into major construction. Thought we were going to be late. Sister sees people every 15 minutes. And she is packed the whole day. I was almost in tears thinking we were going to miss our slot. We made it with 10 minutes to spare! We were told to get something from the gift shop so Sister can bless it. I found this beautiful bracelet. Goes well with all my others.
I filled out some paperwork and then we were called in. We were the first appointment. Sister Dulce is in a wheelchair and has the warmest smile on her face. She asked what drugs I was on - Tykerb and Xeloda. She explains how they work - one goes in and breaks the protein shell that the tumors have around them and then the other one comes in and gets the tumor. She then laid her hands on me and explain how she can "feel" the caner. She said her hand get a hot/burning sensation in her hands. She said she felt it very hot in my head, but feels it is because the cells are dying and struggling. Then she prayer over me. Don't remember verbatum, but, "Papa, heal this child, put it in my hand so I can take it way, and give it to you." She then asked me if I had children. This is where I really cried. She then prayed again, "Papa, she needs to be healed. Those boys need their momma." She gave me a pillow with a bible verse on it, blessed it, and said to sleep with it where there is pain. Then she blessed my bracelet. AND gave me her cell number. What?!? She said to call her when I am scared or in pain and we would pray together. Humbled.
Hugs were given and we were out the door. Very emotional. We went into the sanctuary
http://cypressspringsprayercenter.org
We left and went to the sanctuary and just sat there in silence. I think I cried some more. I went to go light a candle, but the votives were empty. I knelt and prayed. Filled out a prayer card - "Prayer for peace for the Ford Family. Healing for Dawn."
We didn't want to leave. We were both so moved by what just happened. But we had a long drive ahead of us. We said a prayer of praise and thanks and headed to our car.
Another nice drive home. This time we listened to comedians that we played through our radio through Youtube. Love technology. Made it home a lot quicker this time. Rolled back into Marietta at 8. This greeted us a mile from the house. More reminders.
I am writing this after most of you know that that lesions have double, but I feel calm. Calm and ready come back swinging. And I will keep swimming...
We figured out who was watching the boys, made plans, and headed out Wednesday at 3:15. Road trips without children are so different. We actually talked and laughed. It was nice. By the end of the drive, we were signing at the tops of our lungs to 70s music.
As the sun set, we saw this beautiful reminder that God is here and He is control and everything is going to be okay.
Front desk called with a wake-up call at 8:00. I brought all my stuff so made butternut squash and eggs. Jason went downstairs for the free continental breakfast and coffee. Showers were taken. Bags backed and we were out the door at 9:15. We were less than 10 miles from Sister Dulce's and ran into major construction. Thought we were going to be late. Sister sees people every 15 minutes. And she is packed the whole day. I was almost in tears thinking we were going to miss our slot. We made it with 10 minutes to spare! We were told to get something from the gift shop so Sister can bless it. I found this beautiful bracelet. Goes well with all my others.
Hugs were given and we were out the door. Very emotional. We went into the sanctuary
http://cypressspringsprayercenter.org
We left and went to the sanctuary and just sat there in silence. I think I cried some more. I went to go light a candle, but the votives were empty. I knelt and prayed. Filled out a prayer card - "Prayer for peace for the Ford Family. Healing for Dawn."
We didn't want to leave. We were both so moved by what just happened. But we had a long drive ahead of us. We said a prayer of praise and thanks and headed to our car.
Another nice drive home. This time we listened to comedians that we played through our radio through Youtube. Love technology. Made it home a lot quicker this time. Rolled back into Marietta at 8. This greeted us a mile from the house. More reminders.
I am writing this after most of you know that that lesions have double, but I feel calm. Calm and ready come back swinging. And I will keep swimming...
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