I Will Miss You, Warrior Dawn

Before this journey, I thought when you got the word remission, you breathed a sigh of relief, you jumped up and down, and life moved on.  I wish it was that easy.

It is hard to change your way of thinking after three years.  Three long years.  Three years of worrying.  Three years of noticing every change in your body and wondering if it means your worst fear is coming true.  Three years of waking up and putting on your warrior cape and fighting.  Three years of figuring out who the new you is and who she will become when the fight is over.

I am still figuring that out, but I can say that, today, I am in a good place.  I wasn't in a good place right after my hearing remission.  It's hard to believe that something you have hoped for for so long and, fought for EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY, is finally here.

It took about two weeks and I woke up one morning and my stomach wasn't in knots anymore.  My first thought wasn't of my fight.  I woke up and I was happy.  Even as I type this, that seems so crazy. Why wouldn't I be ecstatic?  Elated?  Screaming "remission" at the top of my lungs and then just laughing.  I am not sure.  I am sure I could spend some time on a therapist's couch.  I am sure this is normal.

A friend pointed out that I was still in warrior mode.  The war had ended, but I was getting up every day and defending my battlefield.  I forgot to tell Warrior Dawn that she could stop fighting.  It was time to tell Dawn - the Dawn that I sent away until it was safe - that it was time to come home.  And that is what it took.  A conscience conversation in my head telling myself to breath and relax.  I invited that fun, goofy, doesn't-worry-that-much-Dawn home.  We embraced and cried.  Warrior Dawn is not gone.  I know I will need her again.  Whether it is for health reasons, or family reasons, or just being here on Earth reasons. Whatever it is, it is time for her to rest and for this Dawn to start living life again.  I haven't done that much lately.  But I have been in the last couple of weeks.  I am a miracle.  My time is not done.  God wants me here.  It is time to start living again.  You have been warned...

Results

I always forget that not EVERYONE is on Facebook.  I assume when I post something on there, all my friends and family will read it and know.  One day I will learn.

I have gotten a few emails and texts asking about the results.

So...

If you haven't heard.....I am in remission!!

Insert happy dance.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFZouAjwUi8

My doctor inadvertently told us how many mets I did have - 13.  I am down to 2, but they have significantly shrunk and are continuing to shrink.  So I am in remission!

I will do an MRI every 3 months.  WHEN those continually come back as stable, we will then go to every 6 months.

I have been asked, once again, if my diet will change.  No.  We will add some things here and there eventually, but no.  It is working.  And, honestly, as much as I "hate" it, I really do feel great!!  I had some stomach problems this week and I realized that I haven't felt that way in almost a year.  A year.  (Not drinking has help that also.)

Not sure if it has totally sunk in yet.  3 years of worrying.  3 very intense months of worrying on a different level with the mets.  It almost like I am in the habit of worrying.  Does that make sense?  But every day is better.

Today I played in the leaves with my boys and didn't worry or think about anything but them and how good it felt to be outside and laughing.  I am getting there....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDZoWmXzMI0

Hidden Anger

Last night (Tuesday night), my friends took me to Jumping World.  They knew that these next 2 days were going to be rough.  It was a great distraction.  And a major workout.  As I type this, I am sore.  Here are some highlights:

                             https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7wS2wqtEnU&feature=youtu.be

This reminded me of another night when my loved ones realized (before I did) that I needed a release.

The week I found out I had brain mets was filled with many emotions.  I could tell you that I was scared, confused, frustrated, and sad.  But I would have told you I wasn't angry.  But then my sister suggested that we smash something when I was telling her how I felt.

My younger sister was in town to help.  We decided to buy some dishes from the Dollar Store and smash them in my husband's dumpster behind his work.  This made him very nervous.  Which made us laugh even more.

We decided to dress appropriately for sneaking onto private property and leaving remnants of dishes in the dumpster.

This made us laugh even more.  Which made J even more nervous.  He was seriously worried that we were going to get arrested.  More giggles.

Long story, short - We smashed many plates.  We laughed.  I cried...pretty hard.  (I don't swear often, but I was yelling at cancer and telling it to leave me the f*$@ alone already.)  I guess I was pretty angry.  We laughed some more.  We didn't get "busted".  We drove home feeling a little better and not so angry at the circumstances.

I know I keep saying it, but thank you for being so awesome.  This has really been a team effort.  I know God is here because he shows me every day in the things you are doing.  Thank you.

One last story....I was in the mountains with the boys Oct. 17 - 21.  I think I had too much time to think and wasn't doing well emotionally.  Then I heard of a friend's mother's passing and it really threw me for a loop.  The last night in the mountain, I prayed.  I don't usually pray for signs, but told God I wasn't doing well and needed help.  I needed a sign that everything was going to be okay.  That Tuesday, we got home and there was a package for me from my friend.  I opened it and only read the first part and was bawling.

There was my sign.  And she had to have sent it 3 or 4 days earlier.  Before I had asked for help.  He knew I was going got ask before I did.  He is amazing.

MRI

I had the best techs!  As I walked back, I heard "Watch me whip, watch me Whip, watch me Nae Nae" on the radio.  So you know my a@& had to start dancing.  That started a great back and forth.  We started talking about music as they put in my IV.  I wasn't able to wear my shirt during the scan so I asked if I could take a picture of it on the machine.

I got on the table.  They put ear plugs in my ears (the machine is loud), then put headphones over those.  It kept my head still and they had music coming out of it.  They asked what music I wanted.  For those who know me, know that I asked for raunchy/nasty music.  The first song was Rack City!  It was hard to not move my head to the beat.  My feet were definitely going!!

Did the scan for ten minutes.  Then I got the contrast through my IV.  I could taste it.  It was weird.  Then five more minutes.  Then I was done.  I asked if they would dance with me.  This is what we got.  Wish I had set my phone on the desk so we could have danced longer and had all 3 of us in it.

https://youtu.be/zjgUxyOum-8

I want to send it to Ellen, but don't think it is long enough or shows us enough.  Poop.

As always, I am reading into how the techs acted at the end.  Which is SO silly.  I keep going back and forth.  But I am going to leave that here.  I have 2 days and I will know.

I will definitely post the results on Thursday as soon as we hear the good news!!

Crazy Days

Every day, I want to post.  Every day, I have a post running in my head.  But every day, I run out of time to get it written.  We all have busy days.  Good days, but busy days.  Now imagine taking 3 hours out of that day to rest.  And then imagine being in bed by 10:00 every night.  I am not complaining, just explaining.  I should only be concentrating on healing, so this is all good.

I took a picture of my kitchen only two hours after we had woken up.  I make the boys their breakfast.  Then I have to take my supplements.  Then make my breakfast.  Then a wheat grass shot.  Here is my kitchen after all of that:

Then, if the boys are occupying themselves, I have dishes to do.  And now my kitchen looks like this:

But most of the time, I don't do dishes until after lunch.  And my kitchen is ALWAYS a mess.  It used to really bother me.  Now I look at the mess and smile because it means my family is eating well and are healthy.

If I could redo my kitchen, I would not include a microwave, but have TWO dishwashers.  And my dream would be to have a chef who also does those dishes.  Wouldn't that be nice?

And now it is only 2 or 3 hours before rest time.  The boys come first.  More often than not, that means I am playing with them.  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE it.  I now slow down and play with them more.  But that means nothing else gets done.  Once again, we are in the kitchen cooking for lunch and cleaning up after that.

Before I know it, it is rest time.  I get done with that at 5 and now it is time to start cooking again. I was someone who RARELY left dishes unclean at night.  I didn't sit down and relax until the kitchen was clean.  Most nights now, the counter is full of dirty dishes that sit there until the next day.  And yes, you guessed it, I only have about an hour of "no boy time" to look at email, pay bills, straighten up the house, etc, etc.

I will say that lately, it hasn't seemed as crazy.  Things are starting to get easier and my time is being used more productively.

I wanted to explain all of this because I have felt like I have been in a cave.  I would love to write thank you notes and respond to everyone's texts and messages, but it is just hard.  Please know that I love you all and will get back to functioning somewhat normally soon!

One thing I would like to get out is this great video that C sent me.  I feel like this video will get you really thinking about the food we are putting in our bodies and our family's bodies.  Her comment about "How many sippy cups did I fill?" really spoke to me.  That is how I think now.  It is less than 20 minutes.  I hope it gets you researching what you are eating.  I believe that prevention is the cure.  And this should, hopefully, get you thinking that way also.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rixyrCNVVGA

Blog Rewind - Last Day of Radiation

One week from today (Tuesday), I will have a MRI to find out that we are ALL CLEAR.  In honor of that, I wanted to post about my last radiation treatment.

I headed down, scanned my card, waited to be called, walked back, told them my name and birthday, got on the table, and started meditating.  Again, I felt so many people with me.  I finished and they handed me my mask.  I took a picture with my techs and asked them to take a picture of my shirt.

I will wear this shirt next Tuesday when I get my scan.  You will be with me.  Let's do this!

Thermography Addition

I sent my last blog to Dr. Gamba and this was her response:  

Good blog, but before you post please correct two things. Thermography does not find cancer and neither does mammogram.  Thermography is looking for excess activity and changes. Mammogram is after a lump that has formed as is SureTouch, which is not ultrasound. It is tactile and feels a lump with no radiation at almost half the size that a mammogram will find it. It enables you to see what you sometimes can not feel yet.

Thermography

When we started this journey last November, we quickly came to realize that we had to advocate for my health.  We have doctors that we trust, but there is not one doctor that we have not decided to go against something they said.  We quickly learned that my oncologist made some mistakes and I had a gut feeling about them, but didn't push it.  I now push.  I now ask questions.  I now know we need to research EVERYTHING.

A friend of mine from high school told me about thermography.  I filed it away until I could look into it.  I was finally able to do that about 3 months ago because I was due for a mammogram.

Before I tell you what I know about it, let me tell you about my first interview hoping to become a teacher.  I was asked all kinds of questions.  I knew the answers, but didn't use the "big" words while talking about them.  I left there thinking that I sounded like I didn't know what I was talking about.  (I did get the job!) I tell you that because when I explain thermography, I will not use the technical terms, but will tell the basics.  If you feel pulled in this direction, then please do your own research and make your decision.

Mammograms are not the best way to detect cancer.  I think that self exams are just as important.  Mammograms can cause cancer.  Mammograms have more radiation than we are led to believe.  Look at several different types of resources.  You can find five articles saying one thing and five articles saying the exact opposite.  Look at the resources and then listen to your gut.  Here is just one article.  We love Mercola!

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2012/03/03/experts-say-avoid-mammograms.aspx

Thermography.  This is where my basic explanation will come in...

Thermography uses heat to detect activity.  Cells that are multiplying quickly show up.  The negative is that EVERYTHING will show up.  Arthritis, old injuries, etc show up as red.  Your test is sent off to doctors who read it.  But they don't always know what is causing the redness.  It is up to you to investigate and figure it out.

But what I found out about thermography is that it can detect changing cells 10 years sooner than a mammogram.  That is not a typo.  10 YEARS SOONER.  There is no radiation.  NONE.  I think that is enough to know, don't you?

It is not covered by insurance.  But it is anywhere from $250 - $600.  My first PET Scan was $1500 out of pocket.

The first question I usually get asked is: Why aren't doctors doing this then?  Because they cannot make money off of them.  I know I sound like a conspiracy person, but I have done research and have been told things by doctors and nurses.  And I will leave it there.

I will no longer be doing mammograms.  I will only do thermography.  I had my first one 2 months ago as a baseline.  I will have another one in a month to see how my cells are changing.  Then I will do one every year.  I did mine with Dr. Rosalind Gamba in Roswell.  She also offers Sure Touch.  I understand it as a ultrasound of the breasts.  Hard spots will show up immediately.

http://www.thermographyatlanta.com

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  I have posted about my thoughts on this month already.

http://raiseyourheads.blogspot.com/2013/10/pay-it-forward-breast-cancer-awareness.html

Please don't take that post the wrong way.  I am thankful for all the awareness.  But what got me writing that was that I have two friends who are Hodgkin survivors.  They cried to me as they shared that there weren't programs out there for them.  I got free wigs.  Free housecleaning.  Free lawn care.  Free make-up and help on how to apply it.  Etc, etc, etc.  We need to share the wealth so all patients of all illnesses/diseases can be supported.  I felt guilty as they shared.  My chemo experience was drastically different from theirs.  And it shouldn't have been.  Everyone should feel good during chemo.

Yes, this month is great to get young people and, others who don't know, to become aware of their bodies so they can hopefully escape this horrible disease.  We are bombarded with messages to get mammograms.  The message this month should be to get your breasts checked.  Whichever way you choose to get that done - mammogram or thermography.  Research and listen to your gut and take care of those breasts.

*I sent this to Dr. Gamba and she responded with this:  Good blog, But before you post please correct two things. Thermography does not find cancer and neither does mammogram.  Thermography is looking for excess activity and changes. Mammogram is after a lump that has formed as is SureTouch, which is not ultrasound. It is tactile and feels a lump with no radiation at almost half the size that a mammogram will find it. It enables you to see what you sometimes can not feel yet.

Scan

I put Nov. 11 in my last post as the date for my scan.  I must have been thinking that the month of November is the 11th month.  That is a sign of a genius, right?  

My scan is Nov. 3.

Visions

I have had these visions popped in my head throughout this new journey.  When I was in radiation, I would breathe deeply and think of happy things so I didn't stress out about being in that mask.  Halfway through my 15 treatments, I was breathing in and out and thinking about our upcoming beach trip.  All of a sudden, I pictured all these people around the table.  As I "looked" closely, they were not looking at me or even touching me, but standing with their hands on the table and looking across at the other people.  I saw my grandfather, my friends, Jean and Fortune, my father-in-law, and right on my chest, my brother who passed away from SIDS at 3 months.  I instantly felt this overwhelming peace come over me.  The next day I looked for them.  I saw more people.  My Aunt Sylvia and Uncle Don.  And I saw some new babies.  My best friend's twin she lost and my other friend's twins she lost.  Again, peace.  I knew that I had even more people praying for me.

Another time, I was meditating during rest time.  I was thinking about all the people who were doing the same thing for me.  (I am still not perfect at meditation.  My mind definitely wanders.) And I just pictured all these people, in different houses, stopping what they are doing and mediating.  For me.  And I started crying.

And the last one, which really got me, was me and my family in the doctor's office waiting to hear that my head is clear.  I then saw all of you in the parking lot awaiting the news also.  I saw people talking and laughing and praying.  It ended with me coming down and everyone cheering.  And the tears really came down my cheeks.

You are with me every day.  Every day I feel your love and positivity.  I feel your support.  I feel your love.  Thank you.

I found out the day of my scan - Nov. 3 at 8 am.  I need to find out when I will actually hear the good news.  Until Nov. 3, I feel strongly in meditating and visualizing that pink/grey brain.  Keep them coming!

Pink Brain

One of the things we started doing very early on was meditating.  I had some healing work done on me and he taught me how to meditate.  I had my girls over from my bible study and we taught it to them.  I asked anyone who wanted to meditate with me throughout the day, to send me a text/email saying that.  The more good vibes coming me way, the better.  I have about 27 people on two different threads on my phone.  I text that I am about to meditate in five minutes, text again to start, and then we all meditate.  I started off saying when I was done, but stopped doing that.  However long you want to or are able to meditate is perfect.  It is pretty cool.  I have not really been a meditator even though I have tried several times.  I have done some research on it and there is no perfect way.  No wrong way.  Some of the best teachers have said they are not good at it.  It is all about the effort.

I have had several friends confide in me that they, of course, started this to help me, but it has helped them.  They feel a calmness after it is done.  It brings tears to my eyes.  Here I was feeling guilty for asking my friends to help me with yet another thing, and they are benefitting from it.  Love that.

If you do not believe in positive thinking and visualization, I am sure this will sound whack-a-do to you, but I do believe.  And if you need proof, here I am.  I received a clear scan after 3 months when my doctors said I wouldn't ever get rid of it.  So visualize away.

The way my friends and I meditate is this way (there are many different ways):

Sit in a comfortable position.  Feet should be grounded on the floor/ground.  Close your eyes.  Hands on legs/knees in a comfortable position.  Take in a deep breath for 7 counts.  While you are doing this, picture energy from the earth entering your body to your heart.  Hold for a second or two.  Then release for a count of 7 back to the earth.  Do this until you are in a restful state.  I usually see a white light after a few minutes of this.

Next, picture energy coming from above and God entering your head and going to your heart for a count of 7.  Hold for a couple seconds.  Then release it back to the earth for a count of 7.  Again, do this until you feel calm or see a light.

Lastly, picture energy coming from above and the earth at the same time to your heart.  And it stays there for a count of 7.  I usually picture my heart bursting and clearing my body of any foreign objects.

Sometimes I meditate for 7 minutes, sometimes for 20.  Just depends on the day and distractions.

During this whole time, I picture a healthy, pink brain.  I have been told that our brains are actually grey.  Either one is fine.  I truly believe in this.

My friend, B, sent me a great picture to use.  I had my BIL print it and I look at it before I close my eyes to visualize.

And then M sent me this awesome hat.  It is a brain.  How cool is this?  Another way to visualize!

When they told me I had to wait 3 months before we can scan and find out if the radiation worked, all I thought was, "Good.  More time to meditate and visualize."  So if you want to join us, let me know. I should get the date of my scan soon.  I think we have another 6 or 8 weeks left.  Lots of time to meditate and visualize a clear brain.

Radiation

My diagnosis was on a Wednesday.  That Friday, I was scheduled to see a radiologist.  A lot of friends have asked why the chemo didn't get the brain mets.  Chemo cannot cross the brain barrier.  The molecules are too big.  Radiation is how you deal with things in the brain.  I was glad.  The decision on what to do was taken out of our hands.  With chemo, we did lots of research and trusted our gut and didn't do as much as they wanted us to do.  Radiation....it is the only way to deal with this.

I met with my new radiologist, Dr.  McLaughlin, at Kennestone.  We really liked him and felt confident in his hands.  I thought I would be starting radiation that day, but no.  That day I did have to get fitted for my mask.  What mask you ask?  When I got radiation on my breast, I had to get tattooed.  I have three small tattoos - one on each side of my body (aligned with my breasts) and one right in the middle on my chest.  That is to line up the machine to make sure it is putting the radiation where we want it to go.  Definitely don't want it to go where it shouldn't.

Even more important in the head/brain.  Don't want it in my eye or anywhere else.  Tattoos on the head are not the best way to deal with this.  So a mask is how they do it.  I was warned about the mask from a sweet friend and the nurses there.  Most people have to take a Xanex to get fitted for the mask and EVERY time they get radiation.  So I was a little nervous about this procedure.

I am on a table and they heat up this huge mask thing so they can mold it to my face.  It is a mesh type of mask.  It is hot and it is covering your whole face and you start to feel like you can't breathe.  And then they put a cool wash rag on it.  This now covers the small holes that are you saving grace from freaking out.  I felt the anxiety rise, but I took deep breaths and thought of my boys.  That helped and it was over soon.

Tuesday comes and I show up, go down to the basement where their office is (I always assumed because of the radiation, but have never asked), scan my card so they know that I am there, change into a gown, wait in the waiting area, and text everybody to get ready to mediate soon.  They come and get me and we go back.  They asked me my name and why I am there.  (I did 31 days before my breast.  Towards the end, I would make up names.  They told me they had a patient who would say, "My name is Chicken Little and I have come to get fried."  LOL) I then go back to a room and lie on a table.  And then the mask comes.  I was a little nervous.  I had been warned.  They are nice and explain everything.  Then they put the mask on, and snap me in,  and I start to breathe deeply in and then out.  That almost makes it worse because it emphasizes how hard it is to breathe and the fact that you cannot move.  Thankfully, the radiation/scanning part is literally 3 or 4 minutes.

The black "knobs" are snapped in so I it cannot move.

"Are you happy to see me or is that just your gown?" LOL

I am to do this for 15 days straight minus the weekends.  At this point, I cannot drive.  I am still overwhelmed and humbled by my friends who stepped up.  EVERY DAY, someone came to drive me to radiation.  And someone else came to watch the boys.  EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  The last 5 treatments, I actually had clearance to drive around town, but I wanted to be driven.  And I am all about finishing how I started.

But most importantly, my friends and family boosted my spirits on those drives.  We talked and caught up and talk about every day stuff.  It was nice to not talk about this.  It took my mind of things and I ALWAYS felt better when they dropped me back off at home.  Always.  There were some days that I was not feeling good mentally, physically, and emotionally.  But halfway to Kennestone, I was smiling and feeling normal.

Thank you, Friends.  I hope you realize how important your role is in the third and final fight.

Rewind

I finally have some time to catch everyone up.  When I was first diagnosed, as I have said, I was pretty out of it for a couple weeks.  I wanted to update everyone, but I couldn't use my computer.  I would just sit and stare at the keyboard and the letters didn't make sense.  But I have posts in my head and will get them out when I can and let everyone know what has happened in the last  6 weeks.  (How has it been that long?)

In hindsight, I have had symptoms since March.  But that is when I had my tubes and ovaries out and when I noticed them.  I was dizzy.  About ten times a day, I would get a dizzy spell.  I assumed it was from the anesthesia.  After 3 weeks, I called my gynecologist and asked about it.  She said it was probably from my diet.  (Ugh.  My Western doctors just won't give my diet any credit and like to knock it down when they can.) I chalked it up to being tired and the inhibitors I am still taking.

I have always been a klutz, but I had been swaying here and there.  I would be walking and all of a sudden stumble/sway to the left.  Again, chalked it up to being tired and my general gracefulness.

I want to say my head hurt here and there, but I was a migraine sufferer from my teens until 8 years ago when I finally got rid of them from chiropractic care.  So not sure if I had pain in my head or not.  If I did, it wasn't bad.

And a chiropractors is how this all began.  My chiropractor, moved so I was in search of a new one.  After 8 weeks of not being adjusted, I found a new one.  He adjusted me differently than I had been adjusted for 8 years.  That was on a Thursday.  On Friday, I got up and ran with a friend at 6 am.  When I came home, I went out back to water my tomatoes while I cooled down.  My vision got weird.  One side was pitch black.  And the other side had swirls moving.  It was very discerning and scary.  But after about ten minutes (which is a long time when you are freaking out), it stopped.  So I chalked it up to getting up early, running, and being hot.  I continued on my day and within 30 minutes, I slowly, but steadily had a debilitating headache.  I had an appointment at 10 for acupuncture.  I looked for bowl to get sick in because I was not feeling well and went to my appointment.  30 minutes of acupuncture took care of the headache.  We assumed it was a combination of the new adjustment and my running.

Next Thursday, adjusted again.  Friday, I had another headache, but not until around 3:00 pm.  More acupuncture, and it is gone.  Took longer to get a headache, so my new chiropractor and I figured my body was just getting used to the new way he was adjusting me.

That weekend was good, but Monday and Tuesday, I had a dull headache.  Wednesday, July 15,  I had two appointments.  The first one I had a hard time pulling things out of my head.  More so than normal.  Again, I have chemo brain so wasn't too concerned.  My next appointment was a new natural path at 1:15.  Got there at 1, and my head is really starting to hurt.  I take some Advil and rubbed my temples until I have to go in.  I still don't know how I retained anything from the appointment.  My head was pounding.  I wasn't walking straight.  I bumped into the walls several time.  My left arm went numb on 3 occasions.  My left side of my face went numb.  It was pretty bad.  At the end of the appointment, she asked if I could drive.  I said no.  I took my phone outside to call Jason.  For ten minutes, I stared at my phone.  I could not find the J.  I tried saying the letters as they appear on the typewriter, but I just couldn't find it.  It was very scary and frustrating.

I went back in and asked the receptionist to press J for me so I could call Jason.  I talked to him.  I thought I sounded fine, but he said it was pretty scary.  He asked to talk to the receptionist and he asked if they could take me to hospital.  Thankfully we were close to North Fulton because I was not feeling well at this point.  I was afraid I was going to get sick in that sweet lady's car.

And the rest you know.  Scary words - brain mets.  But, hopefully now, you see that it isn't so scary.  I am still getting the sympathetic smiles and comments, but majority of my friends get it.  This is nothing.  This will be the final cure.

Insomnia

One of the lovely side effects of the steroids I am on is insomnia.  I was frustrated at first as I know I need to sleep and heal.  But quickly realized that is counteractive to stress about it and creating more unease inside so I quickly stopped that!  I wait for an hour, and if I don't fall back to sleep, I read or get up and actually get things done.  One of the things that popped in my head tonight are the products that I use daily that I need to research to see if there are other places where I can get them for less.

I have joked that it is not easy being me.  Between all the time I spend cooking and doing dishes, the things that I am putting in my body that are not always good tasting, making 3 wheatgrass shots a day (takes about 10 minutes three times a day), detox baths, dry brushing, meditating, resting, etc, etc, etc, I don't have the time to go to different stores or get online to look.  I was hoping you could keep your eyes open for these products and let me know if you find them elsewhere less than what I am paying.

Product	What I Am Paying
Pink Himalayan Salt (1 cup a day)	$23 for 10 lbs
Protein Powder (1 to 2 scoops a day)	$20 for one package
Beeswax Tea lights  (1 a day)	$24 for 24
Lentil Pasta	$9.99 for 12 oz
quinoa (at least 5 cups a day)	$27 for 4 lbs
Epsom Salt (1 cup a day)	Found a big bag at Kroger, but cannot remember how much....
Sacred Frankincense Essential Oil (3 drops under tongue in am and pm) But only the pure EOs!	$99 - I don’t think it will be found cheaper, but sometimes there are sales or buy one get one half

Himalayan Salt

Lentil Pasta

Protein Powder
Cannot eat the chocolate, of course...

Quinoa

Yumminess

This is a treat I found that I can eat.  It is delicious.  I found it at TJ Maxx.  I cleaned them out - all 3 of them.  I found one at Kroger and they haven't restocked.  I am looking for this exact one.  NO SUGAR ADDED.  The only ingredients are coconut and sea salt.  Why must they ruin a good thing by adding coconut sugar?? I am not looking for this less expensive, I am just looking for them!! I went on their website, and maybe I missed it, but I couldn't find this exact one. If you find some, clean them out and I will happily pay you back as I am stuffing this in my face.

Three Months

I have wanted to post this past month (how has it been a month already?), but I wasn't able to make sense of a keyboard for awhile.  I couldn't pull words out of my head.  I could see them in there, but they didn't come out.  But I will talk about that in another post.

I wanted to update everyone where we are today.  Which is good!!

August 11th was my last radiation.  15 days.  Every day, someone drove me.  And someone else watched my boys.  I cannot even tell you how much that meant to me.  I am loved.

When I was first diagnosed, I was in bad shape.  They put me on 5 steroids/anti-inflammatory drugs.  That is a lot.  But I needed them.  The headaches were pretty bad, I was stumbling, and I was very dizzy.  The thing that really upset me, and made me cry, - I couldn't read to my boys at night.  That is my favorite part of the day.  I couldn't make out the words.  I could see the letters, but they weren't words.  Sometimes the stories went like this: "The dog dug bone.  And then. Boy. The. House."  It was pretty bad.  And those sweet boys never called me out.

Two weeks ago, I was doing so well, that we dropped to 4 pills.  Last week - 3.  And Tuesday -2! In one week -1.5.  The following week - .5. And then we are done.  This is a big deal.  This means the radiation is working.  My doctor said, "If I met you on the street, I would not know you had brain mets."  I guess he forgot that I told him I was a bad a*#.

I couldn't drive at first.  I got clearance, but only around town.  No highway.  And I am okay with that.

At our first meeting, I asked if I could run.  This was the conversation:

- Tell me what that looks like.
- 3 to 4 miles, twice a week.
He looks at Jason and Jason said, "Along Whitlock Avenue!"
He looks at me and says, "Let's not do that right now. I don't want you swaying into traffic."
But I now have clearance.  I can start working out with my sister again.
We have agreed, though, that running is probably not what I should be doing right now.  I need to heal.  I don't think through all of this, I have given myself time to do that.  I get the good news and I just want to go back to "normal".  I am now one of those crazy looking fast walkers - pumping my arms and going pretty fast.  I am not doing the crazy hip movement....yet.

My doctor said that he sees all the mets gone.  Maybe a couple left over.  And he says nonchalantly, "We will just take care of those with cyber knife."  Um, I would prefer not to have that. And we won't, because they are gone or on their way out as I type this.

We cannot rescan for three months.  It takes that long for the radiation to do its job.  But I am okay with that.  More meditating, more healing, more positive thinking, more adding to my arsenal.

The thing that I realized, very quickly, after this diagnosis is that I am not letting my body heal.  I just want to get back to "normal".  Whatever that looks like.  But the first time, I finished chemo and radiation and pushed myself to get back to life.  After the second time, and clear scan,  I consciously thought, "I am good.  I don't have to do my wheatgrass shots.  I don't have to rest.  It is okay if I stay up late tonight."

And my body keeps telling me that I cannot do that.  I sometimes get mad thinking that others don't have to rest every day or be in bed by 10 or stay away from stressful situations and people. But I do.  My body likes to grow irregular cells and I am contributing to it.

I have been through a lot.  My body has not let me down.  And I just keep punching it.  Time to slow down.  Let my body heal.  Let my cells regenerate.  Let the brain relax.  Breathe.  Thank this body for working so hard. Give it the rest it deserves.

The next three months will give me time to figure this out.  I have to be scheduled.  Something I really tried not to do before all this.  But the only way I am going to fit everything in, is to make a schedule for each day of the week and follow it.

Time to figure this out - once and for all.

In three months, we will get the good news.  Clear scan.

Thank you for loving me.  I feel it EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Just some of my day...

New Face of Brain Mets

When I was first told that breast cancer has a tendency to metastisize to the brain, I ignore it because that scared me.  Really scared me.  My first occurrence with BC was going to be a bump in the road.  Had a lumpectomy, it hadn't spread, wait until baby is born, start chemo, follow with radiation and we are done.

I didn't ask other people their stories after that.  Because it scared me.  In fact, before my initial diagnoses, I was my worse nightmare.   I thought about it a lot.  And when I would hear of other people going through it a second time, I would say a prayer, and try not to think about it.  So hearing of someone who had it come back, ugh.  I would physically get sick.

And then came my second diagnosis - State 4 metastisized.  The ground dropped out from me.  But I surprised myself - I dealt with it.  We assembled my team, got dirty, got mean, and started figuring this out.

I saw the looks in MOST people's faces.  And I got it.  Before me, State 4 - I would have thought, "Well, that is it."  And then I educated myself and knew that wasn't it.  But still, I saw the looks on your faces when I said I was meditating and visualizing and only thinking positive thoughts.  And to tell people about my diet, that got the most glazed over looks.  And people argued with me.  Almost angrily.  I wasn't being unrealistic.  I knew what I was up against.  But I knew I could do it.

And we did it.  The doctors said, "You will always have cancer in you.  You will always do chemo." And they left it hanging.  But 3 months later, it was gone.  GONE!  I was a miracle.  (Well, we are all miracles.) But I was a State 4 cancer miracle.

I want to be the new face of brain mets.  I want you to look at me and know that I am going to beat this.  I am already a miracle.  I am just not done yet.  When you tell my story, I don't want you to say:

     - Could you imagine?
     - It is so unfair.
     - After everything she had changed, how is this happening?
     - It is just so sad.

I do not want any negative thoughts coming me way.  AT ALL.

Instead, I would like for you to tell my story, BUT then tell them to watch because amazing things are happening every day.  That I am going to finish this fight once and for all.  That I am strong and capable and will be laughing at my boys' weddings and hold my first grandchild with tears streaming down my face.

I feel very strongly about this.  VERY.  I believe that you, as my team, are instrumental in helping me.  I believe in you.  I feel our visualizations and prayers and your pictures of a pink, healthy brain.  It lifts me up and empowers me.

So spread the word - Dawn Ford is doing something amazing.  Come and join me and watch the miracle continue...

I Am Loved

This is what I found in my driveway when I came home from the hospital.  Thank you to the wonderful friends who left it.

Metasteses in the brain is very scary, right?  That is what we thought too.  Not that word isn't serious, but it is not brain cancer.  My cancer did not originate in the brain.  This is still breast cancer.  That information helped use breathe a little better.  I have multiple lesions.  I have not asked how many nor have I looked at my scans.  I do not know how many I have.  I do know there are more than 5.  I have been in tune with such things, and when they first told me, I immediately picture 15 to 20.  But it doesn't matter.  My radiologist, Dr. Mark McGlaughlin, pointed out very pointedly that they were all small.  More breathing.

I am on anti-inflammatories and will be for awhile.  I start radiation on Monday.  15 days minus weekends.  I cannot drive.  I am not on anti-seziure medicine, but that could change.  My mind is not working right.  I have typed several of these words more than once.  I am not walking particularly well all the time.  My vision gets spotty a lot.  And when the headaches come, they are bad.

But, I am doing pretty well considering.  There are still a lot of tears, but we are slowly coming out of the fog.  Plans are being made and we will let everyone know how they can help when we figure it out.

Thank you for reminding me that I am loved.

Third Times A Charm

As most of you know, my cancer is back and is in the brain. We are formulating a plan and are going to kick this cancer's backside once again. Right now all we need your prayers. We are going to need help again, and will let you know what that is.

I have already been crying on and off with everyone's sweet messages. Dust off the Fraggle Rocks. We're going to need them again.

Potty Training Boot Camp Take 2

When we potty trained our eldest son at 2 1/2 years old, we did the 3-day method.  Basically, you stay home for 3 days.  Seriously, you don't even leave to run to the grocery story.  Have lots of liquids for the child to drink so there are more opportunities for them to figure it out.  Commit to no more diapers or pull-ups. You stay home until they figure it out.  Here is a blog that explains it.  http://www.lucieslist.com/toddlerhood/the-two-day-method-potty-training/

We started on a Saturday, and by Tuesday, he was at school with underwear on and has NEVER had an accident there.  We never used pull-ups.  But there were quite a few accidents at night, but we handled them, and after about a month, we didn't have any more.

This is how it went for us. http://raiseyourheads.blogspot.com/2013/11/potty-training-day-1.html

I say all this knowing full well that we got luck with J.  We have with most things.  He has generally been an easy child.  And them came C.  We have been brought down a few notches.  Where I thought we had just done a great job with him, I now realize, it was J's nature.  

Tomorrow we start child number 2.  We are loaded up with apple juice (his favorite drink).  We have the adorable underwear.

We have skittles for rewards.  Along with little men (his favorite things right now).  And behind the door, I have some great big toys for when he goes stinky.  Because we all know that one takes a little longer.

The most important thing is not to have anything planned. Be with your child the whole day.  When I did this last time, I didn't eat much. I didn't clean much. Except loads of underwear that had been tee-teed on. I didn't get on my phone. I remember having a beer or two at the end of the night.

This time, things are going to be different. Harder. I have to prepare at least three meals each day. And that comes with tons of dishes. Taking all my supplements takes at least 5 minutes. Making my wheatgrass shots takes 15 minutes. And I won't have a beer to look forward to at the end of the night.

I've come to realize that we, as humans, rationalize with excuses. Whether they are legit excuses or just that - reasons to not do something. I could easily stop my diet for a day to do this. But that may lead to other days of not doing it. I could also not do it this way so it is easier on me. But I am not going to do either of those things.

I am going to get up and do this. I won't have the luxury of not eating, but will use this time to get C to help me cook. I won't have a beer waiting for me, but will have a wheatgrass shot. And I will toast to the fact that I am here to experience this with C. Because that is why I have fought so hard.

Wish me luck. C has always given us a run for our money. This should be interesting.

How To Help

When I submitted my video to The FoodBabe Video Contest, I was doing it to get my story out.  Not because I felt I could help other patients.  But because, when we started out on our journey, it would have been helpful to have met someone like my sister and myself.  Someone who had done the research.  Who had done a crazy diet.  Someone to help us start on which way I wanted to do my journey.

But even as I said that, I wasn't confident that anyone would want to hear what I had to say.  To hear about the crazy journey I ended up taking.

Enter my new friend, S.  She saw my video, found me on Facebook, and contacted me.  How crazy and awesome is that?  We have talked on the phone, texted, and she came over today to talk.  I wish I could have guided her more in her journey.  But that is what I have been saying from the beginning - I can only tell you what I did and what worked for me.  Everyone has to figure out for themselves what is best for them.  But I do feel, however, that I do have some good information for anyone looking to get toxins out of their lives.  Albeit food toxins, environmental toxins, body care toxins, and/or emotional toxins.

S said she is having a hard time telling people what NOT to bring into her house.  I totally get that.  Here were people wanting to help, wanting to bring me food, wanting to get me bath products, etc, and I couldn't use them.  How do you throw that back in someone's face?  There is no easy way.  Say you would like to exchange it?  That is rude.  Say you don't want it because is had bad ingredients/products in it?  Rude.  And people think you are overreacting.  I saw it in their eyes.  I still see it in their eyes when I say no thank you to the homemade cupcake.  It is hard.

I wrote a post awhile back thinking I was being so helpful.  http://raiseyourheads.blogspot.com/2013/04/chemoradiation-baskets.html  I just reread it.  Eye opening.  I was so far away from where I am today as far as what I am putting in my body and on my body.

That gave me the idea for this post.  What can friends do or give if their friend or family member has just been diagnosed and they decide to go the route of changing their diets and lifestyles to get rid of cancer naturally and/or in conjunction with treatment?  These are only my opinions.  But much better than the chicken with ritz crackers you were thinking about!

The first thing that always comes to mind is a meal.  It works out perfectly for the giver and the receiver.  The giver gets to lovingly prepare a meal that the receiver will get to eat and heal while eating it.  And when you are using your diet as a medicine, this becomes even more meaningful.  Everybody is going to change their diet differently, but I know all will come to the conclusion that anything in a  box or bag is not part of their diet anymore.  Prepare them a meal of quinoa with veggies.  Bring them a homemade smoothie made of veggies that are organic.  I did no fruit so find out if they are eating that or not.  You should drink a smoothie within a few hours so make it fresh.  Lentil pasta is really yummy with organic spaghetti sauce.  You can be creative.  Just NOTHING processed, please.

I have recipes I plan on sharing soon.  Recipes that I eat and are pretty clean and devoid of as many toxins as possible.  Stay tuned...

Even better than a meal is a gift certificate to Whole Foods or Kroger.  Eating raw and real food is expensive.  It is still one of my favorite gifts.  The patient needs to relearn how to eat so this forces them to walk the aisles, read packages, and figure out what their body needs.  Kroger has more than doubled the amount of organic products they carry in the six months since I was re-diagnosed.  I cannot vouch for Publix just because I don't shop there.  No other reason than it is further away from my house. (I did go to Publix last week and found it lacking in organic food.)

If you cannot afford a monetary gift, ask them if you can do some research for them.  Or go to doctor appointments to take notes.  The amount of information that is thrown at you is crazy.

Just show up.  Do the dishes without asking.  Just do it.  Do the laundry.  Don't ask.  Just do it. Take their kids to the park or out to lunch.  Don't ask.  Just do it.  Help clean their house.  Don't ask.  Just do it.

Just do it.

Give them a journal.  I truly believe that emotional toxins are just as bad as the ones we put in our bodies.  We ALL need to get rid of resentment and anger and fear and anything that isn't joy and calmness.  If they have kids, come over and MAKE them go relax.  During my 3 months of chemo, EVERY day I rested/journaled/meditated for 3 hours.  I didn't realize how much it helped me physically, emotionally, and my soul until I stopped having it every day.

Send flowers.  Or pick some up when you are at the grocery and drop them off.  Give a relaxing CD.  Give candles to burn.  I was only burning beeswax candles.  (Soy has been linked to cancer.)

I have lots of other ideas for more fun ideas, but don't like to write long posts.  Email me if you want other suggestions.  Dawning09@icloud.com

Thank you for helping your friends and family get through chemo and treatments.  We all need a team of people on our side and helping us get through this bump in the road.  Having help and support helps us look forward to getting over that bump and coasting down the other side cancer free and with smiles on our faces.

Lost Email and Lost Memory

After I posted my initial information on the inhibitors I am taking, someone sent me a wonderfully detailed email about what exactly inhibitors do.  I cannot find it.  And I cannot remember who sent it.  (Claiming chemo brain) If you are that person, could you please resend it?  Thank you!!!

Natural Inhibitors

Hello, researchers.  I need some help on my next very important decision.  As I have stated in past posts, I am hoping to find a natural inhibitor verses the ones I am currently on every 3 weeks FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I am currently on Herceptin and Perjeta.  I asked my doctor if she assumed my cancer would come back.  Her response?  "Oh, it will come back."  I let it hang in the air.  It just didn't make sense.  So began my search for an alternative.  Please understand, if this is my best option, I am ready to deal with that.  But the thought of just waiting for it to come back is not appealing to me.

From the little research I have done, 7 years seems to be the longest I have heard of "remission" before it came back on western medicine.  I do believe I will get much better results with all the life changes I have made.

But....

We have found a possible alternative.  We discovered Marnie Clark.  http://MarnieClark.com  She lives in Australia and we talked to her last week.  As always, I am not a medical person, but the way I understand it is there is something called Transfer Factors.  They build up your immune system by 437%!!!  And from what we have learned these past 5 months is that if your immune system is working at maximum, disease CANNOT grow.  But getting your immune system up to par is not easy because we are constantly bombarded with toxins.  Toxins from our food, toxins from our environment, toxins from our emotions, toxins from prescribed medicines, and toxins from our beauty and cleaning products.  And although that encompasses a lot, I didn't list all of them.

Transfer factors is colostrum from cows.  We all know how important colostrum is to our babies.  The same goes from cows.  And from what I understand, if the don't get it within a certain amount of hours, the calf will die.  Powerful stuff.

Marnie has been on these for 11 years and has not had another reoccurrence.  She states that she cannot promise anything, but she has not lost a client/patient.  She also has a protocol to go along with it.  Props to my sister because we are already doing them!  They include: 8 or more hours of sleep, avoid sugar, keep chronic stress out of your life, maintain a healthy digestive system, plenty of good quality protein, and eat plenty of organic fruits and vegetables (but no fruit for me).

Here is the information on transfer factors:

http://www.prohealth.com//library/showArticle.cfm?libid=12634

http://professionalnetworkers.com/ImprovedTF/PageOne.htm

Now these are two articles that Marnie sent me so let's see what we can find out with our own independent research.

And here is the information on the exact TFs she is suggesting for me:

TF Tri-Factor Formula.pdf


Just to refresh, I was on Herceptin for a full year before.  2 months after stopping it, I was rediagnosed.  I was also taking Tamoxifen (another inhibitor) for almost 2 years (a pill every day) when rediagnosed.  That is what has led us down this road - the normal, western inhibitors did not work for me.

Also, one of the side effects of Perception is heart failure.  I was in the ER only 6 months after taking Herceptin.  http://raiseyourheads.blogspot.com/2013/04/extra-heartbeats.html  It makes me nervous to be on them for the rest of my life.

I cannot wait to hear what everyone finds out.  I will start researching myself and hopefully, together, we can figure this out.

I am excited about the prospect of doing something aligned with my oncologist, but naturally.  Not with poison.  I am working hard EVERY DAY to only put pure, healthy stuff in my body.  I still struggle every day with cravings and being mad that I cannot have what I want.  But it kills me even more that Herceptin and Perjeta float around inside of my body.

Hugs to all.

Surgery, Teeth, and Running

Today is the first day that I can cough and it doesn't kill me.  My recovery was good, but more painful than I thought.  The first few days, it was pretty bad.  It was hard not to get hit in the stomach by my boys.  The good thing that came out of this was, because I couldn't pick up Charlie, he is more independent now.  I guess I was babying my baby.  Imagine that!

Today I got my old, sliver fillings out.  I only had 3 small ones so it wasn't that bad.  Why did I do this?  In my research (which hasn't been that much), I found out that the old, silver fillings, called amalgam fillings, contain mercury.  One doctor I found (can't remember his name) believes that 95% of cancer patients have cancer because of their fillings.  As with anything, I could cite 5 articles saying it is a sham and 5 that back it up.  I always go by my gut.  And honestly, I have always wanted to do this anyway.

I asked my dentist and he didn't bat and eye and made the appointment to get it done.  He did say today that he has done this often and not for patients who are as aware of environmental toxins as I am.  That made me feel good.  Let's do it!

He numbed my cheek.  Then he put on a rubber damn.  It was pretty sexy, I am sure.  It kept any of the old filling from getting in my mouth.  He drilled out the old one and put in the new, white filling.

I was pretty numb for awhile.  My dentist said to drink some milkshakes until the numbing goes away so I don't bite my tongue.  He is funny, huh?  How I wish I could have had a milkshake.  I had a protein shake instead.

My birthday was on Sunday.  It was a good day.  I appreciate my birthday so much more now.  Another year alive.  Another year of memories.  Another year that my boys have grown.  Another year of getting stronger.

I ran 3 miles today.  The runs since my diagnosis in November have been tough.  Today?  Much easier and more enjoyable.  After surgery and dental work.  Take that!  #Fancer

Salpingo-Oophorectomy

I am heading to the Marietta Surgical Center at 7:30 for a salpingo-oophorectomy.  Big fancy word for the removal of my ovaries and tubes.  These two organs release estrogen into my body, which fuels my cancer, so out they will come.  Does this solve the problem?  Not totally.  Other parts will still release estrogen, but a lot less than the ovaries and tubes.

I am not too worried about it, but another surgery, and being put under, is causing some anxiety.

I should be home no later than 1:00.  Then it is off to bed for me.  I am to get out to eat and read to the boys, but that is it.  I cannot lift them for at least a week.  (That is going to be tough.) But she does want me to start walking by Thursday.  A little at a time.  She believes by Monday I should be be pretty normal, but still no lifting.

And then I will be in menopause.  Ugh.  I am going to try to be very positive and have fun with what is coming down the road for me.

Please pray for me, the nurses, the anesthesiologist, my doctor (Wendy Giles), and Jason.  And please pray that my sweet Charlie (who Jason jokes would be happiest in my mouth because he is always saying "hold you") understands why mommy can't hold him.

Jason is not on Facebook much so will try to update you as soon as I can.

Thank you for the prayers and good vibes.

"Give Us One Thing To Change, Dawn."

My friend posed a question on my daily diet post:http://raiseyourheads.blogspot.com/2015/03/dawns-daily-diet.htm.   She asked for one thing we could change.  Just one thing.

I like this question, for many reasons, but mainly because she is onto something.  I went extreme literally in an hour after my sister came to me with her research.  But I had a great motivator - Stage IV cancer.  I believe most people want to make healthy changes, but it is overwhelming.

So I thought about this for a couple days and the first thing that came to my mind was coconut oil.  Replace all your butter, margarine, oils with ORGANIC coconut oil. I make pasta for the boys with CO and sea salt.  They love it.  I made Annie Mac N Cheese with CO instead of butter.  They inhaled it.  CO solidifies at room temperature.  It melts super fast.  And you don't need as much of it for recipes.  The taste is not strong.  Win. Win. Win.

It is a small change, but with a big impact.

Why CO?  I think if you make this small change, it will start the ball rolling.  You will use it a lot during the day so you are thinking about healthier eating every time you do.

Did you know that CO also is great for your skin and hair?  Here is just one link listing all the great uses for CO.  http://wellnessmama.com/5734/101-uses-for-coconut-oil/

I know she asked for just one, but I think a conversation about cookware has to be had with this question. I plan on continuing to add things as the weeks go by.  Before we can even start talking about the food you SHOULD be eating, we need to talk about how you will prepare it.  Most cookware/bakeware leaks metal into our food.  My sister spent many hours researching this and concluded that titanium is the safest.  Stainless steel comes in second.  The set that I bought along with several friends is Anolon.  Here is what I have:  http://www.amazon.com/Anolon-Titanium-Anodized-Nonstick-10-Piece/dp/B0000UTUWY/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1428025439&sr=8-2&keywords=anolon+titanium.  It is a great set.

I asked my friends who also bought the set to send me pictures.  I have the best friends.  Thank you, GD, for sending this one!

I would also like to add some websites/Facebook pages that I highly recommend.  There are wonderful people out there doing research and sharing their knowledge with us.  I like these because you get 2 or 3 posts a week.  So you are not bombarded with information.  Baby steps..

http://foodbabe.com
https://ireadlabelsforyou.com
http://www.mamavation.com
chrisbeatcancer.com
http://wellnessmama.com
http://www.livingthenourishedlife.com
http://www.mommypotamus.com
http://realfoodrookie.com
https://www.facebook.com/GmoFreeNews?fref=ts

Pick a few or all of them.  Sign up and you will get their posts via email.

These are just a few.  And that is a HUGE point.  There is tons of information out there.  Research it. Choose it.  Live healthy and long.