Rewind

I finally have some time to catch everyone up.  When I was first diagnosed, as I have said, I was pretty out of it for a couple weeks.  I wanted to update everyone, but I couldn't use my computer.  I would just sit and stare at the keyboard and the letters didn't make sense.  But I have posts in my head and will get them out when I can and let everyone know what has happened in the last  6 weeks.  (How has it been that long?)

In hindsight, I have had symptoms since March.  But that is when I had my tubes and ovaries out and when I noticed them.  I was dizzy.  About ten times a day, I would get a dizzy spell.  I assumed it was from the anesthesia.  After 3 weeks, I called my gynecologist and asked about it.  She said it was probably from my diet.  (Ugh.  My Western doctors just won't give my diet any credit and like to knock it down when they can.) I chalked it up to being tired and the inhibitors I am still taking.

I have always been a klutz, but I had been swaying here and there.  I would be walking and all of a sudden stumble/sway to the left.  Again, chalked it up to being tired and my general gracefulness.

I want to say my head hurt here and there, but I was a migraine sufferer from my teens until 8 years ago when I finally got rid of them from chiropractic care.  So not sure if I had pain in my head or not.  If I did, it wasn't bad.

And a chiropractors is how this all began.  My chiropractor, moved so I was in search of a new one.  After 8 weeks of not being adjusted, I found a new one.  He adjusted me differently than I had been adjusted for 8 years.  That was on a Thursday.  On Friday, I got up and ran with a friend at 6 am.  When I came home, I went out back to water my tomatoes while I cooled down.  My vision got weird.  One side was pitch black.  And the other side had swirls moving.  It was very discerning and scary.  But after about ten minutes (which is a long time when you are freaking out), it stopped.  So I chalked it up to getting up early, running, and being hot.  I continued on my day and within 30 minutes, I slowly, but steadily had a debilitating headache.  I had an appointment at 10 for acupuncture.  I looked for bowl to get sick in because I was not feeling well and went to my appointment.  30 minutes of acupuncture took care of the headache.  We assumed it was a combination of the new adjustment and my running.

Next Thursday, adjusted again.  Friday, I had another headache, but not until around 3:00 pm.  More acupuncture, and it is gone.  Took longer to get a headache, so my new chiropractor and I figured my body was just getting used to the new way he was adjusting me.

That weekend was good, but Monday and Tuesday, I had a dull headache.  Wednesday, July 15,  I had two appointments.  The first one I had a hard time pulling things out of my head.  More so than normal.  Again, I have chemo brain so wasn't too concerned.  My next appointment was a new natural path at 1:15.  Got there at 1, and my head is really starting to hurt.  I take some Advil and rubbed my temples until I have to go in.  I still don't know how I retained anything from the appointment.  My head was pounding.  I wasn't walking straight.  I bumped into the walls several time.  My left arm went numb on 3 occasions.  My left side of my face went numb.  It was pretty bad.  At the end of the appointment, she asked if I could drive.  I said no.  I took my phone outside to call Jason.  For ten minutes, I stared at my phone.  I could not find the J.  I tried saying the letters as they appear on the typewriter, but I just couldn't find it.  It was very scary and frustrating.

I went back in and asked the receptionist to press J for me so I could call Jason.  I talked to him.  I thought I sounded fine, but he said it was pretty scary.  He asked to talk to the receptionist and he asked if they could take me to hospital.  Thankfully we were close to North Fulton because I was not feeling well at this point.  I was afraid I was going to get sick in that sweet lady's car.

And the rest you know.  Scary words - brain mets.  But, hopefully now, you see that it isn't so scary.  I am still getting the sympathetic smiles and comments, but majority of my friends get it.  This is nothing.  This will be the final cure.

Insomnia

One of the lovely side effects of the steroids I am on is insomnia.  I was frustrated at first as I know I need to sleep and heal.  But quickly realized that is counteractive to stress about it and creating more unease inside so I quickly stopped that!  I wait for an hour, and if I don't fall back to sleep, I read or get up and actually get things done.  One of the things that popped in my head tonight are the products that I use daily that I need to research to see if there are other places where I can get them for less.

I have joked that it is not easy being me.  Between all the time I spend cooking and doing dishes, the things that I am putting in my body that are not always good tasting, making 3 wheatgrass shots a day (takes about 10 minutes three times a day), detox baths, dry brushing, meditating, resting, etc, etc, etc, I don't have the time to go to different stores or get online to look.  I was hoping you could keep your eyes open for these products and let me know if you find them elsewhere less than what I am paying.

Product	What I Am Paying
Pink Himalayan Salt (1 cup a day)	$23 for 10 lbs
Protein Powder (1 to 2 scoops a day)	$20 for one package
Beeswax Tea lights  (1 a day)	$24 for 24
Lentil Pasta	$9.99 for 12 oz
quinoa (at least 5 cups a day)	$27 for 4 lbs
Epsom Salt (1 cup a day)	Found a big bag at Kroger, but cannot remember how much....
Sacred Frankincense Essential Oil (3 drops under tongue in am and pm) But only the pure EOs!	$99 - I don’t think it will be found cheaper, but sometimes there are sales or buy one get one half

Himalayan Salt

Lentil Pasta

Protein Powder
Cannot eat the chocolate, of course...

Quinoa

Yumminess

This is a treat I found that I can eat.  It is delicious.  I found it at TJ Maxx.  I cleaned them out - all 3 of them.  I found one at Kroger and they haven't restocked.  I am looking for this exact one.  NO SUGAR ADDED.  The only ingredients are coconut and sea salt.  Why must they ruin a good thing by adding coconut sugar?? I am not looking for this less expensive, I am just looking for them!! I went on their website, and maybe I missed it, but I couldn't find this exact one. If you find some, clean them out and I will happily pay you back as I am stuffing this in my face.

Three Months

I have wanted to post this past month (how has it been a month already?), but I wasn't able to make sense of a keyboard for awhile.  I couldn't pull words out of my head.  I could see them in there, but they didn't come out.  But I will talk about that in another post.

I wanted to update everyone where we are today.  Which is good!!

August 11th was my last radiation.  15 days.  Every day, someone drove me.  And someone else watched my boys.  I cannot even tell you how much that meant to me.  I am loved.

When I was first diagnosed, I was in bad shape.  They put me on 5 steroids/anti-inflammatory drugs.  That is a lot.  But I needed them.  The headaches were pretty bad, I was stumbling, and I was very dizzy.  The thing that really upset me, and made me cry, - I couldn't read to my boys at night.  That is my favorite part of the day.  I couldn't make out the words.  I could see the letters, but they weren't words.  Sometimes the stories went like this: "The dog dug bone.  And then. Boy. The. House."  It was pretty bad.  And those sweet boys never called me out.

Two weeks ago, I was doing so well, that we dropped to 4 pills.  Last week - 3.  And Tuesday -2! In one week -1.5.  The following week - .5. And then we are done.  This is a big deal.  This means the radiation is working.  My doctor said, "If I met you on the street, I would not know you had brain mets."  I guess he forgot that I told him I was a bad a*#.

I couldn't drive at first.  I got clearance, but only around town.  No highway.  And I am okay with that.

At our first meeting, I asked if I could run.  This was the conversation:

- Tell me what that looks like.
- 3 to 4 miles, twice a week.
He looks at Jason and Jason said, "Along Whitlock Avenue!"
He looks at me and says, "Let's not do that right now. I don't want you swaying into traffic."
But I now have clearance.  I can start working out with my sister again.
We have agreed, though, that running is probably not what I should be doing right now.  I need to heal.  I don't think through all of this, I have given myself time to do that.  I get the good news and I just want to go back to "normal".  I am now one of those crazy looking fast walkers - pumping my arms and going pretty fast.  I am not doing the crazy hip movement....yet.

My doctor said that he sees all the mets gone.  Maybe a couple left over.  And he says nonchalantly, "We will just take care of those with cyber knife."  Um, I would prefer not to have that. And we won't, because they are gone or on their way out as I type this.

We cannot rescan for three months.  It takes that long for the radiation to do its job.  But I am okay with that.  More meditating, more healing, more positive thinking, more adding to my arsenal.

The thing that I realized, very quickly, after this diagnosis is that I am not letting my body heal.  I just want to get back to "normal".  Whatever that looks like.  But the first time, I finished chemo and radiation and pushed myself to get back to life.  After the second time, and clear scan,  I consciously thought, "I am good.  I don't have to do my wheatgrass shots.  I don't have to rest.  It is okay if I stay up late tonight."

And my body keeps telling me that I cannot do that.  I sometimes get mad thinking that others don't have to rest every day or be in bed by 10 or stay away from stressful situations and people. But I do.  My body likes to grow irregular cells and I am contributing to it.

I have been through a lot.  My body has not let me down.  And I just keep punching it.  Time to slow down.  Let my body heal.  Let my cells regenerate.  Let the brain relax.  Breathe.  Thank this body for working so hard. Give it the rest it deserves.

The next three months will give me time to figure this out.  I have to be scheduled.  Something I really tried not to do before all this.  But the only way I am going to fit everything in, is to make a schedule for each day of the week and follow it.

Time to figure this out - once and for all.

In three months, we will get the good news.  Clear scan.

Thank you for loving me.  I feel it EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Just some of my day...

New Face of Brain Mets

When I was first told that breast cancer has a tendency to metastisize to the brain, I ignore it because that scared me.  Really scared me.  My first occurrence with BC was going to be a bump in the road.  Had a lumpectomy, it hadn't spread, wait until baby is born, start chemo, follow with radiation and we are done.

I didn't ask other people their stories after that.  Because it scared me.  In fact, before my initial diagnoses, I was my worse nightmare.   I thought about it a lot.  And when I would hear of other people going through it a second time, I would say a prayer, and try not to think about it.  So hearing of someone who had it come back, ugh.  I would physically get sick.

And then came my second diagnosis - State 4 metastisized.  The ground dropped out from me.  But I surprised myself - I dealt with it.  We assembled my team, got dirty, got mean, and started figuring this out.

I saw the looks in MOST people's faces.  And I got it.  Before me, State 4 - I would have thought, "Well, that is it."  And then I educated myself and knew that wasn't it.  But still, I saw the looks on your faces when I said I was meditating and visualizing and only thinking positive thoughts.  And to tell people about my diet, that got the most glazed over looks.  And people argued with me.  Almost angrily.  I wasn't being unrealistic.  I knew what I was up against.  But I knew I could do it.

And we did it.  The doctors said, "You will always have cancer in you.  You will always do chemo." And they left it hanging.  But 3 months later, it was gone.  GONE!  I was a miracle.  (Well, we are all miracles.) But I was a State 4 cancer miracle.

I want to be the new face of brain mets.  I want you to look at me and know that I am going to beat this.  I am already a miracle.  I am just not done yet.  When you tell my story, I don't want you to say:

     - Could you imagine?
     - It is so unfair.
     - After everything she had changed, how is this happening?
     - It is just so sad.

I do not want any negative thoughts coming me way.  AT ALL.

Instead, I would like for you to tell my story, BUT then tell them to watch because amazing things are happening every day.  That I am going to finish this fight once and for all.  That I am strong and capable and will be laughing at my boys' weddings and hold my first grandchild with tears streaming down my face.

I feel very strongly about this.  VERY.  I believe that you, as my team, are instrumental in helping me.  I believe in you.  I feel our visualizations and prayers and your pictures of a pink, healthy brain.  It lifts me up and empowers me.

So spread the word - Dawn Ford is doing something amazing.  Come and join me and watch the miracle continue...