I wanted to update everyone where we are today. Which is good!!
August 11th was my last radiation. 15 days. Every day, someone drove me. And someone else watched my boys. I cannot even tell you how much that meant to me. I am loved.
When I was first diagnosed, I was in bad shape. They put me on 5 steroids/anti-inflammatory drugs. That is a lot. But I needed them. The headaches were pretty bad, I was stumbling, and I was very dizzy. The thing that really upset me, and made me cry, - I couldn't read to my boys at night. That is my favorite part of the day. I couldn't make out the words. I could see the letters, but they weren't words. Sometimes the stories went like this: "The dog dug bone. And then. Boy. The. House." It was pretty bad. And those sweet boys never called me out.
Two weeks ago, I was doing so well, that we dropped to 4 pills. Last week - 3. And Tuesday -2! In one week -1.5. The following week - .5. And then we are done. This is a big deal. This means the radiation is working. My doctor said, "If I met you on the street, I would not know you had brain mets." I guess he forgot that I told him I was a bad a*#.
I couldn't drive at first. I got clearance, but only around town. No highway. And I am okay with that.
At our first meeting, I asked if I could run. This was the conversation:
- Tell me what that looks like.
- 3 to 4 miles, twice a week.
He looks at Jason and Jason said, "Along Whitlock Avenue!"
He looks at me and says, "Let's not do that right now. I don't want you swaying into traffic."
But I now have clearance. I can start working out with my sister again.
We have agreed, though, that running is probably not what I should be doing right now. I need to heal. I don't think through all of this, I have given myself time to do that. I get the good news and I just want to go back to "normal". I am now one of those crazy looking fast walkers - pumping my arms and going pretty fast. I am not doing the crazy hip movement....yet.
My doctor said that he sees all the mets gone. Maybe a couple left over. And he says nonchalantly, "We will just take care of those with cyber knife." Um, I would prefer not to have that. And we won't, because they are gone or on their way out as I type this.
We cannot rescan for three months. It takes that long for the radiation to do its job. But I am okay with that. More meditating, more healing, more positive thinking, more adding to my arsenal.
The thing that I realized, very quickly, after this diagnosis is that I am not letting my body heal. I just want to get back to "normal". Whatever that looks like. But the first time, I finished chemo and radiation and pushed myself to get back to life. After the second time, and clear scan, I consciously thought, "I am good. I don't have to do my wheatgrass shots. I don't have to rest. It is okay if I stay up late tonight."
And my body keeps telling me that I cannot do that. I sometimes get mad thinking that others don't have to rest every day or be in bed by 10 or stay away from stressful situations and people. But I do. My body likes to grow irregular cells and I am contributing to it.
I have been through a lot. My body has not let me down. And I just keep punching it. Time to slow down. Let my body heal. Let my cells regenerate. Let the brain relax. Breathe. Thank this body for working so hard. Give it the rest it deserves.
The next three months will give me time to figure this out. I have to be scheduled. Something I really tried not to do before all this. But the only way I am going to fit everything in, is to make a schedule for each day of the week and follow it.
Time to figure this out - once and for all.
In three months, we will get the good news. Clear scan.
Thank you for loving me. I feel it EVERY SINGLE DAY.
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| Just some of my day... |
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