Scan

I put Nov. 11 in my last post as the date for my scan.  I must have been thinking that the month of November is the 11th month.  That is a sign of a genius, right?  

My scan is Nov. 3.

Visions

I have had these visions popped in my head throughout this new journey.  When I was in radiation, I would breathe deeply and think of happy things so I didn't stress out about being in that mask.  Halfway through my 15 treatments, I was breathing in and out and thinking about our upcoming beach trip.  All of a sudden, I pictured all these people around the table.  As I "looked" closely, they were not looking at me or even touching me, but standing with their hands on the table and looking across at the other people.  I saw my grandfather, my friends, Jean and Fortune, my father-in-law, and right on my chest, my brother who passed away from SIDS at 3 months.  I instantly felt this overwhelming peace come over me.  The next day I looked for them.  I saw more people.  My Aunt Sylvia and Uncle Don.  And I saw some new babies.  My best friend's twin she lost and my other friend's twins she lost.  Again, peace.  I knew that I had even more people praying for me.

Another time, I was meditating during rest time.  I was thinking about all the people who were doing the same thing for me.  (I am still not perfect at meditation.  My mind definitely wanders.) And I just pictured all these people, in different houses, stopping what they are doing and mediating.  For me.  And I started crying.

And the last one, which really got me, was me and my family in the doctor's office waiting to hear that my head is clear.  I then saw all of you in the parking lot awaiting the news also.  I saw people talking and laughing and praying.  It ended with me coming down and everyone cheering.  And the tears really came down my cheeks.

You are with me every day.  Every day I feel your love and positivity.  I feel your support.  I feel your love.  Thank you.

I found out the day of my scan - Nov. 3 at 8 am.  I need to find out when I will actually hear the good news.  Until Nov. 3, I feel strongly in meditating and visualizing that pink/grey brain.  Keep them coming!

Pink Brain

One of the things we started doing very early on was meditating.  I had some healing work done on me and he taught me how to meditate.  I had my girls over from my bible study and we taught it to them.  I asked anyone who wanted to meditate with me throughout the day, to send me a text/email saying that.  The more good vibes coming me way, the better.  I have about 27 people on two different threads on my phone.  I text that I am about to meditate in five minutes, text again to start, and then we all meditate.  I started off saying when I was done, but stopped doing that.  However long you want to or are able to meditate is perfect.  It is pretty cool.  I have not really been a meditator even though I have tried several times.  I have done some research on it and there is no perfect way.  No wrong way.  Some of the best teachers have said they are not good at it.  It is all about the effort.

I have had several friends confide in me that they, of course, started this to help me, but it has helped them.  They feel a calmness after it is done.  It brings tears to my eyes.  Here I was feeling guilty for asking my friends to help me with yet another thing, and they are benefitting from it.  Love that.

If you do not believe in positive thinking and visualization, I am sure this will sound whack-a-do to you, but I do believe.  And if you need proof, here I am.  I received a clear scan after 3 months when my doctors said I wouldn't ever get rid of it.  So visualize away.

The way my friends and I meditate is this way (there are many different ways):

Sit in a comfortable position.  Feet should be grounded on the floor/ground.  Close your eyes.  Hands on legs/knees in a comfortable position.  Take in a deep breath for 7 counts.  While you are doing this, picture energy from the earth entering your body to your heart.  Hold for a second or two.  Then release for a count of 7 back to the earth.  Do this until you are in a restful state.  I usually see a white light after a few minutes of this.

Next, picture energy coming from above and God entering your head and going to your heart for a count of 7.  Hold for a couple seconds.  Then release it back to the earth for a count of 7.  Again, do this until you feel calm or see a light.

Lastly, picture energy coming from above and the earth at the same time to your heart.  And it stays there for a count of 7.  I usually picture my heart bursting and clearing my body of any foreign objects.

Sometimes I meditate for 7 minutes, sometimes for 20.  Just depends on the day and distractions.

During this whole time, I picture a healthy, pink brain.  I have been told that our brains are actually grey.  Either one is fine.  I truly believe in this.

My friend, B, sent me a great picture to use.  I had my BIL print it and I look at it before I close my eyes to visualize.

And then M sent me this awesome hat.  It is a brain.  How cool is this?  Another way to visualize!

When they told me I had to wait 3 months before we can scan and find out if the radiation worked, all I thought was, "Good.  More time to meditate and visualize."  So if you want to join us, let me know. I should get the date of my scan soon.  I think we have another 6 or 8 weeks left.  Lots of time to meditate and visualize a clear brain.

Radiation

My diagnosis was on a Wednesday.  That Friday, I was scheduled to see a radiologist.  A lot of friends have asked why the chemo didn't get the brain mets.  Chemo cannot cross the brain barrier.  The molecules are too big.  Radiation is how you deal with things in the brain.  I was glad.  The decision on what to do was taken out of our hands.  With chemo, we did lots of research and trusted our gut and didn't do as much as they wanted us to do.  Radiation....it is the only way to deal with this.

I met with my new radiologist, Dr.  McLaughlin, at Kennestone.  We really liked him and felt confident in his hands.  I thought I would be starting radiation that day, but no.  That day I did have to get fitted for my mask.  What mask you ask?  When I got radiation on my breast, I had to get tattooed.  I have three small tattoos - one on each side of my body (aligned with my breasts) and one right in the middle on my chest.  That is to line up the machine to make sure it is putting the radiation where we want it to go.  Definitely don't want it to go where it shouldn't.

Even more important in the head/brain.  Don't want it in my eye or anywhere else.  Tattoos on the head are not the best way to deal with this.  So a mask is how they do it.  I was warned about the mask from a sweet friend and the nurses there.  Most people have to take a Xanex to get fitted for the mask and EVERY time they get radiation.  So I was a little nervous about this procedure.

I am on a table and they heat up this huge mask thing so they can mold it to my face.  It is a mesh type of mask.  It is hot and it is covering your whole face and you start to feel like you can't breathe.  And then they put a cool wash rag on it.  This now covers the small holes that are you saving grace from freaking out.  I felt the anxiety rise, but I took deep breaths and thought of my boys.  That helped and it was over soon.

Tuesday comes and I show up, go down to the basement where their office is (I always assumed because of the radiation, but have never asked), scan my card so they know that I am there, change into a gown, wait in the waiting area, and text everybody to get ready to mediate soon.  They come and get me and we go back.  They asked me my name and why I am there.  (I did 31 days before my breast.  Towards the end, I would make up names.  They told me they had a patient who would say, "My name is Chicken Little and I have come to get fried."  LOL) I then go back to a room and lie on a table.  And then the mask comes.  I was a little nervous.  I had been warned.  They are nice and explain everything.  Then they put the mask on, and snap me in,  and I start to breathe deeply in and then out.  That almost makes it worse because it emphasizes how hard it is to breathe and the fact that you cannot move.  Thankfully, the radiation/scanning part is literally 3 or 4 minutes.

The black "knobs" are snapped in so I it cannot move.

"Are you happy to see me or is that just your gown?" LOL

I am to do this for 15 days straight minus the weekends.  At this point, I cannot drive.  I am still overwhelmed and humbled by my friends who stepped up.  EVERY DAY, someone came to drive me to radiation.  And someone else came to watch the boys.  EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  The last 5 treatments, I actually had clearance to drive around town, but I wanted to be driven.  And I am all about finishing how I started.

But most importantly, my friends and family boosted my spirits on those drives.  We talked and caught up and talk about every day stuff.  It was nice to not talk about this.  It took my mind of things and I ALWAYS felt better when they dropped me back off at home.  Always.  There were some days that I was not feeling good mentally, physically, and emotionally.  But halfway to Kennestone, I was smiling and feeling normal.

Thank you, Friends.  I hope you realize how important your role is in the third and final fight.