Crawling Out

I can't believe it has been more than 2 weeks since we found out that the lesions have doubled.  I was in a bad place. Really bad.  In the four years since this journey has begun, I have never been that low. My family was freaking out.  Their normal fighter looked like she had given up.  I had not.  I just was in a place I had never been before and need new tools to navigate it.

I quickly realized that I was holding onto the hope of a medical miracle.  But man cannot do that.  Only God.  I quickly switched my thinking and I instantly felt better.  Man cannot tell me when I am done.  But my doctors were doing just that.  "We are being positive that this new chemo will shrink the lesions.  But.  BUT...it is time to have the talk."  NOOOOOOOO!  I was told to go home and have the hard talks.  Do I want to be hooked up to machines if it goes down that road?  Do I want to be revived?" No. No. No. No. No. No.

 Breath.  Breath.  I felt the room shrink.  I felt punched in the gut.  I was going to be sick.  And then I wanted to punch something.  It was not fun.

I went home and wallowed for about two days straight.  Really wallowed.  I was alone and I broke down.  I was bawling and screaming, "I am not done yet!  I am not done yet!  My boys need me!  Jason needs me!  I need to be here to see this family grow in strength and faith.  I am not done.  I am not done!"  That went on for a long time.

 In hindsight, I think it was the best thing I could have done.  I warned my family that was what I was going to do for two days.  BUT THAT I WAS NOT GIVING UP.  Just was exhausted and needed a break from everything.

But I have a foothold and I starting to crawl out.

About three months ago, I started getting dizzy.  It seemed liked every day it was getting worse.  But that is a side effect of chemo.  Turns out we now know why.  I have a lesion that is pressing on the 4th ventricle in the brain which is prohibiting fluid from flowing normally back and forth.  I have HORRIBLE vertigo.  It is like walking around with a blanket that makes everything foggy.  If I turn to fast one way, everything spins.  I would rather have a bone sticking out that this.  You can't shake it.  It is a constant reminder that you are sick.  We are hoping the chemo shrinks that lesions (quickly!) so this can be alleviated.

I started my new chemo - Kadcyla - Aug. 12.  I will go every 3 weeks.  Once drugs are mixed, it should take 1 hour.  But that usually means two hours by the time you check-in, access veins, and the drugs are mixed.  They can't mix drugs until you are in chair and ready.

We saw a new doctor, Dr. Ahmad Khalid, and he said if the lesion does not shrink, a shunt can be put it.  NO!!  I don't need another hole in my head.  Send good, positive thoughts to my brain stem and picture shrinkage.  Then picture the lesion sliding down my spine and going into the Earth.  The Earth will take it and get rid of it and make sure it doesn't hurt anyone else.

A lot of you have told me how much you like meditating.  Please continue to do so.  Picture white light going into my brain/head, grabbing those lesions, going down my spine, and into the Earth.  Over and over again.  Text me if you can and I will join you.  It worked that first time.  Why I stopped, I am not sure?  But it is time to look back and do what worked before.  Bring out the Dooziers, the Superheroes, bombs, etc.  Whatever you see when you close your eyes!  I am ready to receive whatever you send my way.

My team has been researching and talking to people who have done alternative treatments.  We are leaning towards Mexico.  We all agree that something new has to be done.  This good news/bad news is exhausting.  How about some good news that lasts forever?!?

Here is someone we are considering:

http://mananashealinghouse.blogspot.com

There are other places in Mexico we are also considering.  Send any suggestions you might have...

It will mean me going for a whole month.  Which, as you can imagine, is a huge undertaking with 2 small kids to get childcare for while Daddy works.  But I think it is time I am selfish and take care of me.  And only me.  And finally get healthy!  I would be working on my body, mind, soul, grievances, past hurts, and letting go of anger.  It will be intense, but makes sense, right?  Mañana would literally wait on me 24/7, feeding me herbs from the earth, lots and lots of healing tea, being my therapist, making me sleep, making me dig deep and release everything once and for all, and just love on me.

As a human, it is hard not to feel like I am just being selfish.  But why do we think taking care of ourselves is selfish?  We should all take care of ourself every day like that.  I know I am going to get comments and people who don't agree, but that is what I have to learn - trust my gut and do it!