Who Are You and What Have You Done With Dawn?

Most common side effects of Herceptin in breast cancer patients:

• Fever
• Nausea
• Vomiting
• Infusion reactions
• Diarrhea
• Infections
• Increased cough
• Headache
• Fatigue
• Shortness of breath
• Rash
• Low white and red blood cell counts
• Muscle pain
• Heart problems

The most common side effects caused by tamoxifen are hot flashes; vaginal dryness, discharge, or irritation; and decreased interest in sex. These side effects are not usually serious, but they can be bothersome.

Other side effects are rare but are more dangerous. These include:

• Overgrowth of the lining of the uterus (endometrial hyperplasia) and cancer of the lining of the uterus (endometrial cancer).
• An increased risk of blood clots in the legs (deep vein thrombosis) and the lungs(pulmonary embolism). Changes in the blood's ability to clot have been reported in patients receiving tamoxifen.
• A small increased chance of stroke.
• Ovarian cysts.
• An increased risk of cataract formation and the need for surgery for cataracts.

This is the information I was finding about 3 months ago when I was researching the drugs I was taking.  What I was desperately trying to find was RAVING B%$#@#.  I really tried hard to find it.  I tried hard to find it because I needed a reason why I was not myself.  Why I was constantly yelling at my husband and not being very  nice in general.  But no raving b%$#@# was to be found.

If the drugs I was on was causing me to act this way, it would be a lot easier to forgive myself and try to figure out how to stop and go back to being the old Dawn.

But they weren't.  So for a couple of days I tried to figure it all out.  Did cancer make me a b@#$%?  Was this the new me now?  I tried really hard to figure it all out, but I couldn't.  If I didn't know why I was acting like this, how was I to stop it?

I started talking to friends.  I talked to my counselor.  I talked to my oncologist.  And they all said it was expected and normal after the year I have had.  But I didn't like that.  I would hear the words coming out of my mouth and try to stop them, but they would still come out.  I would tell myself not to get on Jason when he came home, but I did.  I couldn't stop it.  

Besides being mean, I was also crying a lot.  I would literally be thinking how annoying my husband was and within five minutes, I would be thinking what a wonderful man, father, and husband he is and start crying.  

When I saw that in myself, I think that started the process of fixing this mess.  That just wasn't normal.  

My oncologist gave me a prescription for Effexor.  She said that her patients deal with this.  Patients are so strong during treatment and then there is this let down of emotions when it is all over.  When I got home, I looked it up.  It is for depression and anxiety.  I am not a pill taker.  They scare me.  Especially the side effects.  I am already taking one for the next ten years and wished I wasn't.  So I am not going to fill this one, BUT I will hold onto it.  

I am slowly crawling out of this hole I am in.  I have good days and I have bad days.  Just a couple weeks ago, my friend said I was looking good, I was looking so skinny.  (When I was younger, I was made fun of for being skinny so it is a hot word for me.  But I have gotten over that and know that people are giving me a compliment when they say it.)  Well, I kind of blew up at her and said something along the lines that skinny was bad, etc.  I saw her face. I hurt her feelings.  And even though I saw it, I couldn't say anything to fix it.  But for the rest of the week, I thought and thought about it.  I thought about why I reacted that way.  I thought about why I just didn't say thank you?  It made me realize again that I am not myself.

But I don't think that is an excuse.  It is a reason, but not an excuse.  We all have stuff going on in our lives.  ALL OF US.  That doesn't give us a right to be mean or cut people down.  My fear is that I would say something that a friend or family member couldn't forget.  How horrible would that be?

I have been saying a prayer every morning to be a better person.  To leave people smiling, not shaking their head wondering who the raving lunatic was in my body.  I need to accept that I am a different person.  I am now a mother of 2 and a survivor.  I want that to mean I am a better person than I was a year ago.  

A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars.
Carly Simon 

I wonder how other post-chemo patients are dealing with all these emotions.  I can't be the only raving lunatic out there, can I?