I Am Done With Scary

As I have shared, one of the side effects of the pill I am to take for the next 10 years is uterine cancer.  I went to my GYN two months ago for an ultrasound to check everything out.  At that time, I did have a cyst.  My GYN wanted me to come back in two months to look at it again.  The hope was that it would be gone.

Today was that day.  I get on the table and we started the ultrasound.  The tech asked me what kind of breast cancer I had.  I told her and said something along the line was that it was not fun.  And then I said, "I am done with scary!"  I laughed and said that I liked that.  "I am done with scary."

She then gave me great news.  The cyst had shrunk!  I already pictured calling up Jason and telling him the good news.  I couldn't remember if I had told my mother, but I planned on calling her and telling her the good news.  I guess I was more worried than I realized because I was feeling very good.

I wait to see my GYN.  She comes in and just gives it to me.  The cyst has shrunk and that is great.  But.....

No!  Please, no!

This is what I heard:

"Your lining two months ago was 5 cm.  Today it is at 8 cm.  We need to do a D and C and figure out what is going on.  We will do it on a Thursday and then you need to take it easy for 4 days."

What?!?

I tried to calm down, but I felt like I was going to throw up.  I took a deep breath and tried to ask intelligent questions.

Isn't a D and C for miscarriages?  Yes, but they are also for exploratory reasons.

The thickening of my lining could be a sign of what?  Cancer

Do you feel that it is cancer?  No.  But let's make sure.  (Not too reassuring.)

Give me worse case, please.  If it is precancerous, then we will talk with a gynecologist oncologist and discuss whether a hysterectomy is needed.  We will also discuss whether the ovaries need to come out too.

What is the down side to all of that?  (Because to me, just take all that out if it reduces my risk.)  Early menopause.

I left there in a daze.  I sat in my car trying to figure out if I was going to be sick or not.  I called my BFF.  No answer.  I called my sister.  No answer.  I knew I was going to start bawling so wanted to get it out of my system before I called Jason.  But I called him.  And I was right.  Poor guy was probably freaking out because I couldn't talk.  Just cried.  I explained everything to him.  We hung up, I wiped my tears, and off to Kroger I went.  (Life goes on, right?)

I have been trying to analyze what I am feeling.  Fear, of course, but I think there is a lot of anger.  I am just mad.  I am feeling great physically.  I have started running again and I feel awesome during and after each run.  And I am tired of procedures and doctors and surgeries and reminders that I am sick.

And maybe that is part of what I needed.  I am still recovering.  My body is still adjusting.  And I am trying to do way too much.  Everyone is telling me that, but I don't want to hear it.  I lost a year of my life.  I lost time with my family and friends.  I am tired of being sick!!!

I will get a call from someone at the office to schedule my surgery.  She wants it done in the next month or two.

To end the way I began, I am done with scary.  So when I press publish, I am going to try to breath and not worry until I have to worry.

I am done with scary....