Nine

Today was the last day I could claim chemo brain.  Studies have shown that chemo will stay in your body for a year.  Tomorrow, Sept. 9, will be 1 year since my last treatment.  I was very conscience of my memory today.  On a walk with a friend this morning, I did start a conversation and forgot where I was going with it.  But, I know I have done that all my life.  Since starting chemo, my memory has been pretty bad.  Add new-mommy brain, and I was a mess.  I got to the point where I wouldn't even try to pull up a name or title or whatever I had forgotten.  But slowly over the last year, I have noticed that I am not staring off into space as much desperately hoping whatever it was I was trying to remember would come back.

I thought it was cool that my last treatment was on 9/9.  When I was 9, I decided my favorite number would be 9.  Whenever I could, I chose that number for my jersey while playing sports.  I love 9.

I still haven't googled breast cancer or anything that goes along with it.  But one thing I did try to find was what breast cancer looks like 6 months after treatments or 1 year after treatments.  I know that years down the road things would be good, but knew that was a long road.  So I searched for a blog or article telling me the truth.  What would it be like?

In honor of the number 9, I will tell you what breast cancer (to me) looks like 1 year out of treatment with the first 9 things that come to mind.

1)  My hair is crazy curly and still not a style that I would have ever chosen voluntarily.  I have gotten used to it, but it is still strange EVERY time I look at myself.  It is a constant reminder that I was sick and could get sick again.

2)  But with #1 having been said, I don't think about cancer every day.  And I did.  EVERY.  SINGLE.  DAY.  It constantly made me feel like I was going to throw up.  I am happy to say that doesn't happen as often now.

3)  Some chemo patients lose their toenails and fingernails.  I did not, but my once extremely strong nails are now brittle and flake and break all the time.  I wasn't even able to peel a price tag off of an item.  It has gotten a lot better, but they are still brittle.  I keep them short.  I always had long nails.  Just another reminder that I was sick.

4)  I have gotten numerous calls since being diagnosed about someone else who has been diagnosed.  At first, it bothered me.  I did not want to be a cancer "expert".  But the last time I was called, I was happy to talk and share my experiences.  I am happy that I am alive to receive such calls.  This will be part of my life from now on and I am okay with that.

5)  Just the other day, I found myself laughing hysterically.  I can't remember why, but I do remember realizing that I have started to laugh hysterically again.

6)  I have started thinking about watching my boys walk to their kindergarten class.  Before?  I had letters written in my head that their dad would give them because I wasn't going to be around see it myself.  This is probably one of the best things that a year has given me.

7)  I am still going to tons of doctor's appointments, but I have accepted this new way of life.  BUT, I went to a new doctor last week and when she asked me what kind of breast cancer I had, I wasn't able to tell her right away.  There was a time when I could tell you all the dates, the surgeries, and the names of everything.  Even though I was kind of embarrassed as she looked at me like I was crazy for not knowing, I was glad it wasn't second nature.  I am moving on.

8)  I am still trying to figure out who the new me is, but it isn't clouded by negative thoughts and fear and sadness.  Now it is me realizing that I am strong and can do this.  Now it is me realizing what is important and what is not.  My friend said something during our walk that I loved.  We have all these balls in the air (I have heard that part before) as moms.  She has realized that as long as she doesn't drop her boys, she has had a great day.  Isn't that great?!?  It is so simple.  Think about what is REALLY important.  For me it is family, friends, and God.  My OCD screams at me that the dishes are important and cleaning up that messy closet is important.  The new I-kicked-cancer's-a%^-Dawn wins this argument.  You will find me on the floor with the boys instead of doing dishes and I am finally okay with that.

9)  This is going to sound very sappy, but a year after treatment I know that I am loved.  I think about all the calls, texts, cards, emails, meals, prayers, help with my boys, and friendships that have gotten stronger through this.  And I am a lucky girl.  Truly lucky.

After a year, there are still some lingering bad effects, but there are definitely more good effects.  I will always be a cancer patient.  I don't think I realized that.  But when I am 95 and am still a cancer patient, I will proudly yell it to the world.

When I wake up tomorrow, I won't be able to claim chemo brain.  I won't be able to blame my memory lapses on cancer.  I can now blame it on the fact that I am alive and am filling my days with friends and family and tent making and running around the house acting like planes and kisses and hugs.  That is what is consuming my mind lately.  I will apologize ahead of time if I can't answer your questions.  I am busy living this life that wasn't taken away from me.