Down For The Count

My doctors and nurses said I would handle chemo fine.  I was young and in good shape so the side effects would be minimal.  All their noses should be bigger when I see them again on Tuesday.

They did say that I would have nervous energy.  I will want to clean closets at 3 am.  "It doesn't last long so clean that closet."

I woke up Wednesday morning at 4 am just staring at the ceiling.  It took me about 15 minutes to realize this was the nervous energy they were talking about.  I tried to get back to sleep until 5 and finally went downstairs to watch bad TV.

Wednesday afternoon I started feeling pain in my lower back.  As the day got longer, the pain got more intense.  I have a high threshold of pain and don't complain.  There was a lot of yelping when I had to bend over.  Picking up my boys brought tears to my eyes.  And I was mad.

I was mad because I felt sick.   I ran 10 miles 3 days before we found the lump.  10 miles!!  And now I feel bad.  It really messed with my head.  And I was over my bland, boring diet.  I was not in a good place.

Part of this whole process is for me to not hold things in, to let them out, and move on.  So when Jason asked me what was wrong, instead of saying nothing like I usually do, I unloaded.  "I am tired, I am hurting, I am hungry, and I am scared!"

I went to bed at 9:30 and slept until 8.  I woke up Thursday morning with no back pain!  I was thinking, "Okay, I can do this.  One day of pain and back to feeling normal."  It only took about an hour for the pain to slowly come back.  And it was worse than yesterday.

I woke up Friday with no pain, but was expecting it to come.  It came, but it was significantly less.  Once again, I was hoping this was the last of the side effects.

I went to bed Saturday night hoping I was in the clear.  I must have woken up 8 to 10 different times VERY NAUSEOUS.  I would breath deeply and just try to get back to sleep.  I woke up Sunday and wasn't feeling well.  I won't go into details, but I spent a lot of time in the bathroom.  I was mad again and thinking that I couldn't do this every week for three months.

But, I didn't stay down for long.  #fancer

On the advice of Jason, I put on a sweatshirt and sat outside in the sun.

I slowly started feeling better.  My food natzi, my sister, Lisa, has added some food to my diet.  I got to eat some egg whites, ezekiel bread, tomatoes, and avocado.  It helped ease my stomach and my mind.

I am writing this now because I am hoping this is it!!!  I am going to go to bed tonight and visualize the chemo and cancer leaving my body.  Tomorrow is a new day, a new week, and a new attitude.

Thanks for being here.