Stay Here, Mom

Jack is becoming very independent.  He will start climbing the stairs, turn around, point to me, and say, "Stay here, mom!"  He wants to go up without any help from me.

He is also becoming very sneaky.  He says, "Stay here, mom" if he is doing something he shouldn't be and doesn't want me to see it.  Thankfully I am on to that little bugger.

We just got back from a wonderful week at St. Simons.  We were walking around at the restaurant where we were eating while we waited for our food.  Jack pointed at me and said, "Stay here, Mom" because he wanted to walk on the deck by himself.  As I watched him walk up, I was smiling at his new phrase.  It got me thinking.....

Stay here, mom.

My doctors told me that my boys saved my life.  But let me digress a little....

When I turned 30, I was sad.  I was sad because I wasn't married and wasn't anywhere close to being a mother.  That month was tough for me.  My desire to be a wife and mother was so strong.  I was jealous of woman who didn't want to have kids.  I tried not to want it so much, but it was in there.  There were many nights crying on my couch because I ached for a husband and children.

I spent a lot of time praying over the next few years.  I knew God put that desire in my heart so I finally realized I had to trust Him.  I had to trust that He had a plan for me and that plan included a family.  I don't remember if I read it or someone said it to me, but it went something like this. "While you are waiting for your mate, prepare yourself to meet him.  He has not found you yet because he has not matured fully to be worthy of you.  So do what you have to do to be worthy of him!"  I really liked that.  So I started "working" on myself.  I found a wonderful bible study.  I attended church more regularly.  I started doing things that I talked about, but was waiting to do them with that special someone.  I went White Water Rafting.  I went to the movies by myself.  I went out with friends.  Basically, I became comfortable with myself and grew physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

It took awhile, but I finally met my husband when I was 35 and we married when I was 36.  We waited six months and tried to start a family.  It wasn't happening.  We went to a fertility doctor.  We tried Clomid.  We tried numerous artificial inseminations.  We decided to take the plunge and try IVF.  That didn't work.  We tried again - and it worked!  5 months after our son was born, we did another IVF and now have two beautiful boys.

My breast cancer was hormonally fueled.  I was pumped full of hormones before each IVF attempt.  And then, of course, your hormones run rapid while being pregnant.  When I went to my OB when I was 11 weeks pregnant, she did a breast exam.  There was nothing there.  Jason found the lump when I was 20 weeks pregnant.  In 8 weeks, it grew to be 6 cm.  My pregnancies caused the cancer to grow fast, but because it grew fast, we caught it early.

I certainly don't have this all figured out, but this is where I am at today.  I ABSOLUTELY do not believe that God gave me cancer.  That lovely thing called free will is to blame.  I believe it is something in this world that we have created, thinking it is helping us out, that contributed to it.  I picture Him up there reviewing my life.  He sees that cancer is coming.  So He does what He can to help.

He makes sure that Jason and I don't meet until I am older.  I have to be older so that I have difficulty getting pregnant.  I have to have difficulty getting pregnant so I seek out help.  The first IVF had to fail because this body needed lots and lots of hormones in a short amount of time.  We had to do 2 more IVFs for even more hormones.  And they had to be so close together.  I needed an unusually large amount of hormones so the tumor would grow fast so we could find it sooner.  If we hadn't of done all of those things, we may have found it too late.

I will be here to watch those sweet boys grow up.  I will be here to continue to work on myself and try to be the best daughter, sister, aunt, wife, and friend I can be.

So, yes, Jack, I will stay here.  I will stay right here because God sent me you to save my life.  I will stay here and love you more than you could possibly ever know.