I haven't blogged in awhile because I have been too busy enjoying my boys. Not much is getting done in my house except getting on the floor and playing cars and trains. I found the old emails I sent out before I started my blog. I thought I would share them to give you the back story and to also get my journey all in one place.
May 30, 2012
You have breast cancer. I found myself repeating that to myself as the doctor was explaining what happens next. You have breast cancer. It didn’t seem real. When we found the lump, my OB told me it was pregnancy related. When I saw her again, I asked her to look at it again. “Why don’t you just go get it checked out to ease your mind.” When they immediately sent me for a mammogram and I came back the next day for a biopsy, I still was not worried. My sister had the exact thing happen to her and it was benign. She said they are just thorough at that office. You have breast cancer. The week we waited for the results, we weighed the facts: my family has a history of lumpy breast, there is no history of breast cancer in the family, we found it in my third trimester, the bump wasn’t here 3 months ago.....the chances just weren’t there. But yet, here I was. Listening to my doctor talk about a lumpectomy and radiation and it won’t harm the baby. Oh, no, the baby! For a brief second I forgot about the baby. We had struggled with infertility, but were blessed to be having our second. So here I was - 40, the mother of a beautiful son, and 3 months away from completing our family with a second child. Really?!
June 2, 2012
We spent the next couple of days in a fog. My sweet son made me smile and cry at the same time. We were scared. We were ignorant of everything - what stage, how far along, what to expect, what are the statistics? I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. What could they say? And besides, I couldn’t talk without crying. I did call up friends who were knowledgeable. I did not want to hear sympathy in people’s voices. I found out that the cancer I had - invasive ductal carcinoma - was very common. That made me feel better. Our friend, who is 4 years cancer free, came by and talked to us. I think it is the first time I felt okay after the news. She gave us the facts and let us know that we were early stage and we were going to make it! I think I knew that, but was just so scared.
The lumpectomy is in 5 days and there is nothing to do but pray and wait until then.
June 3, 2012
We went to church hesitantly. I am not the type of person to wallow. I do not need to talk about it over and over to feel better. The first friend I encountered gave me a hug with a side of “I feel sorry for you”. I couldn’t take it. I hugged her back and just kept walking. For the past 5 days, I just wanted some minutes when I wasn’t thinking about cancer. Minutes of my stomach not churning and me feeling like I am going to be sick. I started having minutes where I didn’t think about it. Then someone gives me that look and my stomach starts again. Just say hi or thinking about you and move on, people!
June 4, 2012
Met with my oncologist today. She had good news and bad news. The cancer is hormonal, which we were hoping for, but further testing came back that I had a marker (her... something). So although hormonal is good, the marker kind of trumps everything as she put it. So our plan before today was lumpectomy and then radiation with hopes that chemo was not necessary. Well, now I will have the lumpectomy, but will hold off on radiation, but will definitely be doing chemotherapy....2 weeks after the baby comes. BLAH! I will do 6 sessions of chemo (21 days is a session) with other stuff that I cannot pronounce and finish with radiation. This will all take one year.
We are still optimistic that the lumpectomy will get all the cancer and I will be cancer free on Thursday. There is a chance that it has spread, but we are going to hope it has not. So although hearing we had to do chemo now scared us, she explained that it would be preventive at that time.
We are not sure how this makes us feel, but I think we both agree we just want to know what we are up against. We will know everything on Thursday after my surgery. It is scheduled for 1:45. It should take around an hour. They will take out a lymph node and we will get results immediately. They will keep me under and Jason will get the results. Again, the hope is that the node tested shows it has not spread, they close me up, and I wake up. If it has, they will go back in and get as much as they can. BUT we are really hoping it hasn’t and we can then concentrate on this sweet baby coming in less than 3 months.
We have been able to joke and talked about shaving my head. I will definitely want to do that versus seeing it fall out. It is the longest it has been in years (Murphy’s Law) so I will donate it. They have mohawk wigs, right?
June 5, 2012
Went back to my breast doctor for a CLIP test. I called her out on that one and told her it was a horrible name and it should be called a Flower test or something. It is called that b/c she put a marker, or clip, next to the lump. Today she used an ultra sound to double check it for Thursday’s operation.
I was able to ask her some questions I had written down and the most important one was...am I going to be okay. She said she of course won’t know definitely until Thursday, but everything indicates that I am going to be okay and live a long and full life. It was the first time a doctor said that to me. Made me feel much better.
Dr. Sam came by and talked to us and made us feel better. How lucky are we to have such wonderful people in our lives. Everyone is praying for us and it truly touches me to know how loved we are....
June 9, 2012
It is overwhelming when I think of the amount of people that were praying for us. And I think there were many more I am not aware of who were also sending good thoughts. "Thank you" is not enough. God is good.
Surprisingly, we slept pretty well the night before surgery. I was up at 6, however, trying desperately not to think too much. We got to the hospital at 10:30, checked in, and was shown to our pre-op room. We filled out paperwork and I was asked about ten times to verify my name, date of birth, and why I was there. I was tempted several times to come up with some crazy reason why I was there, but resisted. The anesthesiologist asked me a list of pre-existing conditions I might have. I answered no, but said, "I have pregnancy." LOL. He looked at me kind of strange, but didn't say anything. Then someone else came in carrying an ammo box. What!? It was carrying the radioactive dye that they shot into my breast. Not what you want to see when you are pregnant and scared about your upcoming surgery. She looked very confused because at that time they were checking the baby's heartbeat. Needless to say, we were both not feeling very confident about what was about to happen. So here we are scared out of our minds, staring at an ammo box that says RADIOACTIVE and the person carrying it looking very confused! Come to find out, she was not aware I was pregnant so she was confused. Her supervisor (really!? I want someone who knows what they are doing here, people!) came in and explained everything and eased our minds. Whew!
The nurse came for me around 2:30. Jason's brother, Craig, was there and asked to say a prayer. I had made it all day without crying until his sweet words. We went back and thank goodness everything went quick because I started having a panic attack. The last thing I said as the oxygen mask was over my face was, "Take care of my baby."
I woke up around 4:30 and I could hear them checking the baby's heart beat. I heard them say 154. I put my thumbs up. The nurses told me later they thought that was cute. When I finally was able to form words I hesitantly (because honestly, I was scared) asked Jason if they got it all. He said yes. "Are you lying to me?" No. I asked him about 5 more times over the next 15 minutes. How surreal. I am told I have breast cancer 8 days before. I don't know if it has totally sunk in yet, and now I don't have any cancer in me. I still have a hard year ahead of me once the baby is here, but this news certainly makes it a lot easier.
What is the next step for me? I have genetic testing on Monday. Again, I am sure I am only understanding about half of what we will find out, but one of the important things is whether I have the BRAC-something which will determine whether my ovaries need to come out. I am not concerned about not having ovaries. Thank you, God, for my 2 beautiful children or that may not be the case, but just not looking forward to being sent into menopause, on top of treatment, on top of sleep deprivation, etc. There is more testing being done on the mass, but honestly don't remember what we are looking for...
After all that testing is done, we get to breathe and concentrate on this sweet baby. She (I have been referring to her as a she and Jason is upset and keeps saying, "Our poor son is going to have a complex") has been moving around like crazy! Jack never moved around like this. I think she is telling me that everything is going to be okay and that I better get my rest because she is coming! Then 2 weeks after she (or he) makes their entrance, I will start chemo. I had the sad thought that my first year with this sweet baby will be going through chemo and radiation. But just as quickly I thought that my year of chemo and radiation will be with this sweet baby in my arms and Jack playing in the background and how good is that?
I remember the day after Jason and I got engaged and I sat in church and just cried. I was thinking that not only am I truly blessed that this wonderful man wants me by his side, but also all the many friends and family that comes with him. I have, once again, been reminded how wonderful our life is and how lucky we are to call each and everyone of you friends.
Dawn
PS. We just came back from a walk. One of the dogs left a present and without hesitating, Jason hands me the bag to pick it up. I am 28-weeks pregnant, just had major surgery, it hurts to move my right side, feeling dizzy, and I get to clean up the dog poop. Life goes on.....
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