Brave

I have been told that I am brave.  Brave to go through breast cancer while pregnant.  Brave to suffer through chemo and radiation with a baby and toddler.  According to Webster, the definition of brave is having or showing courage.  The definition of courage is mental strength to persevere and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.  The definition I like is to do something even though you are scared shitless.  Whatever definition you like I feel it is doing something you have a choice to do.  I didn't have a choice.  Okay, I could have said no to treatment, but I don't know of many people who would have chosen that in my situation.  When talking about being brave an imagine comes to mind.  A young child on the high dive.  Knees shaking.  Arms wrapped around their little, wet body.  Their eyes wide and staring at the water below.  Their fear is visible.  And yet, they jump.  They don't turn around and go down the ladder to solid ground.  They choose to jump even though they are scared.  That is courage.

I am not saying that what I have been through and what I have done is not courageous.  I can pat myself on the back because it has been hard, but I have done it.  I just don't feel that I deserve that much praise.  Millions of woman have gone through this and I am not that much different. I will take credit for going through most of it with a smile.  But I really didn't have a choice.

My sister, Lisa, has had a goal.  She wants to enter a body building show.  She has talked about it for years.  3 years ago, she started training.  She stopped drinking.  She stopped eating sweets.  She stopped being able to eat at most restaurants.  Which means she stopped having girl time.  She started really working out.  She educated herself on the human body and how exercise and food can change how it operates and looks.  

And for awhile, I began to wonder if she was ever going to get on that stage.  I mean - 3 years of this crazy way of life and no show in sight.  Who does that?  That changed about 8 months ago.  She found a new trainer and all of a sudden there was a show in the future.  I thought she was crazy with her food and workouts before, but now it was just nuts.  

She is entering a show on April 13.  As we get closer and closer, her schedule is getting crazier and crazier.  She is working out twice a day with a trainer.  She is doing cardio twice a day.  Even with all this working out, she has had to cut out one of her meals.  She is cranky and tired and stressed and nervous.  Oh my goodness, she is nervous.  The thought of standing up in front of an audience in a skimpy bodybuilding suit is causing her knees to shake.  The fear is evident in her voice and eyes.  She said she can't even think about it without wanting to puke.  Then on top of that, she has to move to the music as she poses.  We have called her Elaine because of that episode of Friends.  The girl cannot dance.  

As we get closer to April 13, I can hear it in her voice.  This sista is skerred.  But she could back out.  No one would blame her.  We would understand.  It is only going to get harder from here until April 13.  Most of us of couldn't persevere with what she has had to do so far let alone what she is about to do leading up to this competition. Most of us would have turned around and climbed down the ladder until we hit solid ground.  But she is going to do it.  She is going to jump despite her shaky knees.  That is brave.  That is courage.  That is my big sister and I am very proud of her.