Pictures

I've always loved pictures.  I love taking them, I love being in them, I love looking at them, I just love pictures.  Pictures capture so many emotions and elicit smiles, laughter, tears, and hope. But there was a time when I didn't like pictures.  There was a time in my life when I didn't like what I saw in the mirror.

I have been made fun of a lot in my life.  I was teased for being tall and skinny.  I was teased for my crooked teeth and, when I got braces, I got teased about the braces on those crooked teeth.  I was once told by a guy, "You are so pretty, if only you had boobs."  Females are funny, aren't we?  I have been given tons of compliments - before and after that comment - yet that one statement resonated in my head.  I would get dressed up and look at myself in the mirror and not feel pretty because I didn't fill out my dress.

Then something happened in my 30s.  I relaxed and actually started liking what I saw.  When I looked in the mirror, I wasn't quick to see the imperfections.  I know I am not what society considers beautiful, but I am not what I used to think - ugly.  (I could write a whole post on girls and low self esteem, but will store that in my "Posts For Later" file.)  I liked my breasts.  They were proportional to my body.  And I really appreciated them when I started running!  I no longer thought about getting some of "those store bought breasticles".

It was an intentional effort.  I forced myself to see the good things and ignore the bad.  When with friends, we would have to say what we liked about ourselves.  Basically, I decided to be happy.  Sounds simple and easy.  At first it is not so easy, but when you are not paying attention, it becomes easy.  I chose and I did.

Then came cancer and surgeries and chemo and radiation.  And that wonderful self esteem I finally had was slowly slipping away.  I am not sure when it started to leave, I just know that when I would be waiting for the shower to warm up, I would get a glimpse of myself in the mirror and those old feelings started creeping back.

But, and this is a big but (and I cannot lie), when I wasn't seeing myself in the mirror, I felt strong and beautiful.  Remember, I am annoyingly happy.  I walk around without a hat most of the time.  Apparently my self confidence is still there.  But lately, when I see my scars and markers and a right breast that doesn't match the left one, I want to cry.

I needed to remedy this.  I had a wonderful life to live and didn't want this to weigh me down.  I decided to work on choosing to be happy again.  I asked Jason to take some pictures of me.  Tasteful pictures of me that show my imperfections.  Have you seen the pictures of actresses who looked beautiful after cancer?  I wanted one of those.  Yes, I know they have makeup artists and lighting and airbrushing.  But I wanted to see a picture of me looking pretty despite the imperfections.

Something was also telling me that I needed to document this time in my life.  So Jason took some pictures.  It was pretty funny.  I tried to put my hands in strategic places.  I thought I looked at the camera in a way that showed beauty and toughness at the same time.  All that the pictures portrayed was a goofy-ass girl trying to look like something she wasn't.

Cut to stage left and in comes Gina.  I met Gina when she came to take newborn pictures of Jack.  She was patient when Jack was not cooperating.  We bonded over trying to get Jack to sleep long enough to pose him.  There was a lot of me breast feeding until he fell asleep and then slowly trying to remove said breast so she can get a shot.  When she left, I didn't think she got any shots.  When she sent me the pictures, I cried.  She is an amazing photographer (and person).

Before I could chicken out, I ask her to take some pictures.  As I told her, "Inside I feel beautiful, but at times, I don't feel that way on the outside."  I want my outside to match my inside. Her response?  She was speechless and honored that I asked her.  Within five minutes of agreeing on a time, I get the email from her that always gets me excited - Your pictures are live!  Charlie's 5 month pictures were ready.  I was not prepared for the link.  Gina blogged about me and I couldn't even finish reading it because I was crying so hard.  Please take a moment to check it out. http://www.redcoatmedia.com/2013/03/a-family-story-atlanta-family-photography/.  I knew she would do for me exactly what I needed.

The pictures are for my eyes only.  They are to remind me that I am beautiful and I am strong in case I forget.

Well, that is what I thought.  During our shoot today, Gina showed me one of the pictures we took and I started crying.  She captured exactly what I was having a hard time articulating.  So maybe, just maybe, I will share one with you.  I cannot wait to get that email saying my pictures are live.  I hope they give me what I have been missing - self confidence in this new body.  Self confidence that I am still me.  That I am still me and maybe just a little bit better.

Please, please do not send me comments that you think I am beautiful.  That will mean that I did not articulate myself correctly.  Many friends suggested I blog when I was first diagnosed.  It didn't feel right then.  Now when thoughts (good and bad) are in my head,  it helps to write them down.  I feel better when I press publish.   These thoughts of insecurity have been running around in my head and when I press publish today, I hope I will be able to let some of them go.  That is my intent.